to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

[nincompoopascoop]

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

I think of raising them to think their father didn't love them, because unless I made all the effort I doubt he'd see them

You might find this a little uncomfortable, nincom, but please listen. Head on over to Relationships to discuss this more:-

Raising children with a father who treats them, and their mother, as interruptions is very bad for their self-worth. Nothing you do or say can prevent the damage - you can limit it, but the millions of small actions & interactions (and lack of same) happening in their home are what constitutes their emotional environment. As well as absorbing the message that they don't really matter, they'll also learn that women don't really matter: a man's role is to treat his woman as a domestic servant-cum-sex appliance.

You cannot prevent this when raising children in such an environment. They're hard-wired to see their parents as life models, as perfect, and to absorb all of their parents' emotions. This isn't anything you can override; it's biology.

If you separate from a co-parent who unfairly wields power in the relationship, you teach your children one massively important lesson - that we don't hang around with people who disrespect us or can't be bothered with us. That's a very affirming life model! Separated, too, you're free to create the emotional environment that is good for your kids: you're free to be honest about the amount of time you can spend with them, to keep your promises, and to give them your full attention whenever you can.

Several of my friends have done this, with astounding success :) What they tell their children? The age and fact appropriate version of "Daddy feels love for you, and cares about you, but he's a bit too selfish to live in a family. It's a pain that he doesn't keep his promises, but he thinks about you."

Making any sense?

I do like Jux's cinema suggestion! I feel you could really, really use four hours of just pleasing yourself; remember how nice it feels to be 'You'!

Well I hate the sound if him and his friend I don't know them.

Kick his arse out op. Really what will you loose here?

Yes! Cinema is a very pregnancy friendly equivalent of a night out.

Garlic making a lot of sense again. I grew up without my father who moved away to another country and really when I finally got to know him I realised what a lucky escape I'd had.

I also ended up being a single parent and my daughter's father was way too selfish and hopeless with children to be a loss, but she has managed to develop a good relationship with him now that she is an adult.

Good fathers are wonderful, but the bad ones are better from a distance.

"unless I made all the effort I doubt he'd see them"
I find this so sad. No just because of how he would behave, but that you can be so certain of it. And you are certain - it is, after all, what he is doing to his eldest right now.

"perhaps I am too selfless and he's normal"
No, it's really not the case. You are quite selfless and he is a selfish git. I think it would be in your best interests, and the interests of your children, to to be a lot less selfless towards him, because GarlicMayonnaise (23:10:26) is spot on. Your DC are currently observing and absorbing, and it is not good - for you or for them.

"it astounds me that he cannot see my point of view"
Have you considered that he does see your POV, he just doesn't consider it to be of any importance? It goes back to the idea of you being his Domestic Appliance. You exist to serve and service him, he is the only one that counts. You and the DC are a lifestyle accessory to appeal to his boss, to further his career, to take care of the humdrum that is beneath him. Which set me thinking - his eldest is 8 and your eldest is 6, so I'm guessing he moved from her to you pretty swiftly. Didn't see the need to take care of himself when he could snare another Domestic Appliance woman to do it for him. And, for all the support you give him, raising his children, feeding him, keeping his house, he considers you - a freeloader . (I agree that Twatmate is unlikely to have floated that first, but was repeating your husband's sentiments.)

The trouble is, you are an enabler of the highest order. No wonder he married you. You are a perfect gift to some men.

You have to start acting like him, or your marriage has no chance[unless you are prepared to carry on as you are, or worse, for the next 50 years]

Keep reading as the more you write about him the more he sounds like my ExH. I could only really see it when I was out of it.
I got the I hate it when you go out, the about four times in 10 years I did it and ultimately it was control. He hated me being elsewhere where someone else might say he does what! He also hated mumsnet for the same reason.

Yes, he sounds horribly reminiscent of my ex too - there must be some special Charm School they all graduate from, the Academy of Wankstains or similar, because they ALL have the same script.

If you have to beg, cajole or nag someone into being interested in their own children then it's game over. It will never have a happy ending. The risk is you just get more bitter and frustrated and children grow up in a toxic environment of misery.

I would have a Serious Talk with him and set a time limit for change. Then end the relationship. My ex suggested to me I could effectively be his housekeeper and we would 'parent' together I.e. I would parent and run the home whilst he went out. But he might occasionally have sex with me!

I was able to resist this tempting offer.

Is he really offering you and the children anything better than that?

Tell him gay marriage is legal and he can go and marry that lovely friend.

the academy of wankstains

This.

spero so true

Spero nearly as good as my offer I would go earn the big bucks,run the house, look after our child and run a second jointly owned property business and he would get to shag OW.

Lonecat - and you turned that down? But why? That would have given him such a lovely life!

I wonder if the problem with these men is that they don't believe anyone else is real or matters - only their own needs, wants and desires are ever recognised.

Spero what is even more laughable is that he went to Relate believing all of this was reasonable. The counsellor was gob smacked and sat there open mouthed at his suggestion.

O dear. But this is the fundamental problem isn't it? They really, really, really don't understand what they are doing. They think they are totally reasonable and anyone who disagrees is a nagging, unpleasant 'free loading fanny'.

My ex for example genuinely thinks he is in line for Dad of the Year, every year because he sees his daughter every couple of months and takes her on holiday. When I used to challenge him on this (I have given up now, having taken my own advice) he said 'its ok because some fathers are in the army or go on business trips'.

I wonder what his medal will say.

He just doesn't understand. I can feel sad for him and for her that he is so deficient, but I can't change him or make him better and I wasn't prepared to waste another precious moment of my life trying to prop up his inadequacy.

I don't know about an affair, but he's definitely frequenting places where people go out on the pull, and he's dressing up for the occasion and attending with a wingman who is single. A ONS sounds almost inevitable, if it hasn't already happened. Sorry, OP.

I worked with a guy who did this after his first child was born. He was an absolute toerag in every way, and we all felt sorry for his beautiful young wife. He actually lied to her about going away for work and went on a lads holiday to Spain, then returned to the office with lots of pictures of other women. Our boss was an old sexist pig who thrived on stories of his conquests and used to provide him with alibis at every turn.

Op - this isn't a mid life crisis. This is how he wants to live and will continue to live.

wow, if you put up with this, then you are a doormat, and its a shit relationahip example for your children.

i dont see why people get so hung up on sexual infidelity even when their partner is betraying them in every single other way

wow, if you put up with this, then you are a doormat, and its a shit relationahip example for your children.

i dont see why people get so hung up on sexual infidelity even when their partner is betraying them in every single other way

OP, are you listening at all ? Or was this this just a little rant of yours, some steam blown off and then back to Business As Usual ? Believe me, this game playing is what he has come to expect of you. Only you can change it...he will never "get" it...why would he ?

It is easy to tell the op to leave but she has four, FOUR children with this man.

I am not judging but I wonder why you would have so many children with an man who does not bother with his first child and you admit barely bothers with the children you have with him?

You are right that he is a selfish selfish man. He is so selfish that even if he understands your pov (is he an idiot? If he isn't an idiot then of course he sees your pov, how could he not? It's not rocket science) it doesn't matter to him, because he is selfish. Taking your pov seriously and actong on it would cause him discomfort and inconvenience and he is selfish so he won't. It suits him NOT to see your pov.

You could ask him if he'd rather be seen as utterly self-absorbed or stupid. If he would rather be deliberately not seeing it, or too stupid to see it. He will tell you whatever suits him best at that moment. Whatever he does or says in any and every moment of his life is whatever suits him right then in that moment.

He has to win. It is all about winning.

I don't think it sounds like there's another woman. It sounds like your DH is attempting to relive his youth. And it's absolutely pathetic. I never understand why people are so focussed on how good the past was when they've created such a beautiful present/future. He needs a kick up the arse. He also needs to learn to appreciate all the wonderful in his life now, instead of trying to live the wonderful from way back when. Just because he's a dad doesn't mean he can't go out and enjoy himself, but for heaven sake, he's royally taking the piss, OP!

My advice? Let him. Pack a bag and leave it at the front door for him. When he gets home, smile sweetly and tell him that while you think his recent hormone surge will do wonders for keeping the grey hair at bay, you married a man, not a stroppy little boy. As such, maybe he should see himself through puberty again without making you suffer

Love that, VinoTime. Excellent way of putting it.

I cannot understand you thinking it's acceptable for your husband to let someone call you "freeloading fanny". My DH has pulled aside a friend of his and bollocked him (privately) for speaking to his own wife in a much less insulting manner. If he said something like that about me I dread to think of his reaction, it wouldn't be pretty.

I know it's easy for us all to say LTB but please think about yourself and how this horrible man has been treating you and his children and how you can improve all of your self-respect.