to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

[nincompoopascoop]

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

Sad that you are defending him now rather than taking strength from being told repeatedly that you are being treated badly.

He didn't really care about seeing his son did he? Just enjoyed the drama around being the victim of an evil ex wife. Any decent man would have been desperate to see his son after three months, not volunteering to work away and think up lies to make himself look innocent and hard done by. He is treating you with the same contempt.

I think 36 is a bit young for a midlife crisis.

Fundamentally you can't change another person's behaviour. All you can do is decide what kind of life you want to live and what kind of example you want to set for your children.

A couple of Maya Angelou quotes that are relevant here are:

"Never make somebody a priority when all you are to them is an option".

and

"When somebody shows you who they are, believe them".

I cant express how much it infuriates me to read of a certain type of man who needs to be spoonfed every act of parenting and maintaining their own home and relationship.

For millions of parents around the world, washing uniforms, making packed lunches, reading bed time stories, lifting toys, signing permission is slips doesnt even require a thought. It's just all done because that is what being a parent is. And then you get pathetic wastes of space like OP's DH who needs it pointed out to him that going for drinks instead of seeing your child for the first time in 3 months is perhaps a bit FUCKED UP. Who in their right mind needs to even give that a second thought? Seriously. Anyone who would do what this man is doing, on that one issue alone, IS NOT A GOOD PARENT. I would ho as far as to say they arent a good person either.

Rant over.

OP i really hope for all your sakes that you have seen the light and will make steps to change your future ad those of your DCs. You all deserve much better and i know you know that. Dont leave it too late.

He's actually very controlling and seems to have done a good 'job' on you Op.

My ex dragged me through court to see our DD, as soon as he was given access he didn't see her again for 2 years . It's all about the power.

I hope you eventually see things as they really are and not as you hope they are.

his boss likes his 'family man' image. He'd hate his new one and it'd affect his treatment of him
He had a family before. He lost it and it took him what? 7 months? to get a new one on the go.

he can only go to work happily and chat with his friends about us all if we're in his life
If he got a new family he could chat about them though.

It'd be a very different (and lonely) existence to come home to an empty house and have days off all alone
But he wouldn't be doing that. He'd move in with his mate for starters and then move on.

I'm really sorry OP but I think you're grasping at straws.

sorry OP, its a really hard situation

you will have been told "whats so" by the MN folks so I shall not rub salt into the wounds

whats worth exploring is the WHY
why does he treat you like this?
WHY do you allow it?
and what are you scared of? clearly you are very vulnerable right now, and the thought of "leaving the bastard" is akin to climbing mount kilimanjaro right now I am sure

but you CAN start to assert yourself, to plan, to think about your own sense of self worth

baby steps OP, baby steps

wishing you the best

I think you are staring into the abyss. You have been mother to your husband and taken on most of the responsibility for the family, so he feels quite happy playing (literally) away from home because he has never had to think about how you cope; he is blithely ignoring problems because someone else, ex-wife, you, will shoulder them; he has a new person to take care of him, and I suspect he is not altogether thrilled about the new baby. Being five months pregnant is not a good time to take life-changing decisions; hang on in there until the baby has arrived safely, and then think very, very hard about what you want to do. Lose your temper for once and make him stay in and share more child care; he seems to have a very easy time of it so far, without any rows or confrontations.

Hmmm- I don't really like the tone of some of the posts on this thread. They seem a bit too much like an attack because ninconpoop hasn't agreed with some of the assumptions that have been made about her/her DH/their relationship.

Nin, take what you need from this thread and leave the rest. Sometimes people can get a bit carried away when they're giving relationship advice and they project their own thoughts/experiences onto others despite having very limited information to go on. You know that what he's doing isn't acceptable and you want him to change. You know that (worst case scenario) you could cope without him. Talk to him about it and see what happens. You don't want to carry on like this so you really have nothing to lose. Good luck.

me neither bumbley

a staggering lack of compassion and empathy

If a 'staggering amount of compassion and empathy' is what you are after, this is not the place.

This is the place where women like me will read these posts and we will respond. Because we have lived through it or are living through it and we don't want anyone else to have to.

If you don't want women like me reading and responding, don't put this kind of stuff on a public forum.

Or put a disclaimer on your post - 'only replies that are the electronic equivalent of a big hug and a concerned facial expression. Not any actual opinions or any advice because there is a risk you might end up telling me something I don't want to hear'.

lack of compassion and empathy ?

are you serious ?

Evidently so. And that's how men like this will get away with it. there will always be women who let them.

Nin I am sorry you are in this situation as it sounds pretty rubbish. From what you've said (and I have read the thread) it sounds like he is bored at home and looking for excitement. I'm not sure I'd conflate that into an EA or a sexual one with Twatmate - you are much better placed to understand the truth of that than any of us - but you yourself have said he's selfish.

You've had some good advice on here, not least from the pp who quoted Maya Angelou - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Power is then back in your hands to respond to that behaviour as you see fit. If it were me, I'd be seriously considering my options, and one of them would be leaving him if I didn't see a massive change in lifestyle for both of us. I don't think 7 nights out in three months is excessive, although I think his alcohol intake is. What's more worrying to me is that you don't seem to have much of a life outside the family home and he is not supporting you to have one - some me time is essential for all of us and he needs to do his share to make sure you have it.

I think how you are with your DSS is lovely and the fact you have a chatty relationship with EW says an awful lot about what a wonderful person you are.

I personally think you deserve a much better situation - whether that's with or without him, is obviously your choice, but it sounds like a major sea change is on the cards one way or another. Hope it's your choice in terms of how it all pans out

Going out and staying out isn't treating me badly - I don't mind him going out or staying out because I trust him. If I minded and he did it anyway then yes, he'd be adick.

I think many dads aren't as clued up on activities, school trips etc as mums. It doesn't mean they don't care, they just often aren't around as much. I think part of the problem we have is that dh works long hours so the kids and I are used to him not being there (hence him not doing bedtimes) and are probably set in our ways. When he is here, he feels a bit of a spare part.

I'm sorry but his behaviour is utterly horrendous, and dodgy as hell, from your own description. I'm not sure why you're now choosing to completely minimise that.
It's also really insulting to all the loving, excellent fathers out there.

And yes, I agree, he's probably somewhat bored of family life. He's either working or in the same old routines of school runs, activities, naps etc. Many women find this monotonous too so I don't feel it's fair to persecute him over it. If a woman had a capable SAHD for her children and was wondering if it was fair to take on extra work to progress her career she would absolutely be advised here to go for it, yet dh is a wanker for doing the same?

I'm not completely backtracking. I am annoyed that he has freedom and I don't but ultimately I love being with my children so wouldn't change that anyway so hardly fair to resent him.

I'm glad you are happy again and that your DP is going to be home for his son this weekend. Enjoy

He does have a choice to get involved (or not) with family life though . I don't understand how a grown adult doesn't know how food is put on the table or how clean washing gets into drawers and wardrobes. It's his choice not to help and you are letting him.

I really hope you get to have a proper no holds barred talk with him and that he changes for the better.

Think about what you're saying. No woman would be advised to take on additional work at the expense of seeing her child that she hadn't seen for three months.
She'd get rightly torn to shreds.

The sad thing is that when women try to tell other women in this situation that they do not have to stand for it there are always some people who will make them out to be the Bad Guy.

One has to wonder why that is

Do you think this thread has helped Op , as you seem to be seeing him in a better light now.

But I don't want/need/expect him to do those things doin. He works 12 hour days, I can do everything home-wise easily, I'm hardly going to just leave things for him to do for the sake of it.