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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is bu and what do I do now?

32 replies

Splashyhands · 18/05/2014 16:56

Will try to keep short, Dsis has hugely fallen out with me because I haven't asked her to be dd godmother.

The reason I haven't asked is because DH has 2 sisters who I don't want as godmother. I've had a lot of control issues with SIL1 and a lot of digs about dd seeing my family more that DH's. So, to avoid any issues I decided to have friends only as godparents otherwise I would have asked Dsis.

Dsis says she feels hurt and betrayed and that I haven't chosen her and that she thinks godparents should always be family. She's annoyed that she thinks I'm only doing this because I'm afraid of sils reaction and that my relationship with her is different to DH and his sisters and she and I are friends too. My family all think I should have her too because she's upset.

I have already asked 4 other people to be godparents and DH doesn't want me to have Dsis as he thinks it's not fair on his non controlling sister. He's also not very impressed with Dsis behaviour over this.

I'm gutted Dsis is upset, but also that she's pretty much cutting me out as a result.

Am I in the one being unreasonable here? Should I have asked Dsis? And how do I put it right?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/05/2014 16:59

Out of all of them, who is the most religious/attends church the most?

Perhaps if you chose that way, it might make it easier?

SpringBreaker · 18/05/2014 17:00

Yanbu. It is your child and you choose who the godparents are. Your sister is already her aunt and will always have that role in her life anyway.

SomethingProfound · 18/05/2014 17:02

YANBU, your sister is acting like a spoilt brat, stamping her foot to get what she wants, and totally disregarding your feelings and disrespecting choice you and your DH have made.

If she was as much your friend as she claims she would understand it's an awkward decision for you due to your relationship with SIL and be supportive. You have made the right decision IMHO.

Blueuggboots · 18/05/2014 17:02

My longest standing friend was devestated that I didn't ask her to be a godparent. She went on and on about it when I was 30 weeks pregnant and didn't need the stress
when she asked me who godparents were.
She didn't go to church, and the way she reacted to not being asked confirmed why I didn't ask her. godparents are supposed to be a good role model!
I stuck to my guns.
My child, my choice!!

MarathonFan · 18/05/2014 17:04

I always thought godparents were supposed to come from outside the family - that's the point, to bring new adult guidance into the child's life.

Thomyorke · 18/05/2014 17:05

Is there a family tradition? dp's family the god parents are always family members whereas my family there is no format and no expectation of being a god parent.

Squitten · 18/05/2014 17:08

We only have my relatives and friends as Godparents because nobody on DH's side is the correct religion. Could you select on those grounds?

GreenEyedGoblin · 18/05/2014 17:09

In most cases I've experienced, the God parents are purposefully NOT family - like a pp said, to bring new adult guidance.

My ds's have three of our very good friends as god parents. The way I see it, mine and dh's brothers/sisters already have a role as aunts and uncles.

Atbeckandcall · 18/05/2014 17:13

YADNBU

Maybe try saying to her that as it is BOTH yours AND dh's decision, you have BOTH decided to not ask any member of either families. TO AVOID A CONFLICT!!

If she still can't be reasoned with after that, be safe in the knowledge you've definitely made the right choice in not having her.

If it's any help my dm still harps on about how she now hates one of my dd's godparents. Never mind that my dm has no religious faith of any kind, doesn't believe in God etc and yet the godmother does (as do I). So it really shouldn't matter to them should it? And yet...........Confused

fishybits · 18/05/2014 17:13

DD's godparents are deliberately not family in order to offer a different perspective. Upset DH's family no end but as far as I'm concerned her Aunts and Uncles already play a pivotal role in her life.

They have "punished" DH by not asking him to be Godparent to any of the cousins but asked each other. I find it all rather pathetic and DH couldn't give a damn.

Original poster
Splashyhands · 18/05/2014 17:15

Thanks everyone. Neither sis nor SILs are religious or go to church. Dsis and I are Catholic, SILs are not, but one of my friends who is godmother is Catholic so that's fine as far as the church are concerned.

No family tradition just what my sister and some of my family always thought it should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Splashyhands · 18/05/2014 17:17

I have said to her that as dd's aunt she'll always have a hugely important role in her life, but apparently that's not enough. I hate drama Sad

OP posts:
1stMrsF · 18/05/2014 17:18

Aunties are aunties. Godmothers are godmothers. IMHO there is no overlap. The aunties already have a special relationship with the child. Creating godparents from friends creates an opportunity for new relationships. Aunties are not godparents. Tell her that?

NoSquirrels · 18/05/2014 17:22

That's all really silly! Your sister will get over it. If she's not religious and doesn't attend church then why does she care? It is a religious role.

Just state your position (DH and I have agreed on non-family members as godparents for any children we have), acknowledge her upset (I am sorry you are upset but I know you are going to be an incredible aunt and that's really important to me) and don't talk about it any more. She'll get over it.

NoSquirrels · 18/05/2014 17:24

BTW, as to how you "put it right" - stop thinking like that! You are sorry she is upset, but it is not unreasonable of you and your husband to choose who you want as godparents.

Original poster
Splashyhands · 18/05/2014 17:38

Nosquirrels you are right, thank you!

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 18/05/2014 17:43

YANBU. You could tell her your priest would have ha to have seen her attend a certain number of times before allowing her the role, and that there wouldn't be time to do that before the christening, especially if she NEVER goes to church...

diddl · 18/05/2014 17:46

Well she's Aunty-that's special!

But it sounds as if you would have asked her were it not for your sils, which is sad.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/05/2014 17:48

Godparents are supposed to take on the role of providing life-long spiritual guidance. Your sister is able to provide that through her role as the child's aunt. It seems that all she is interested in is being photographed with a nice frock on and being the-almost-centre of attention and if she can't get it by being a god-mother by jingo she'll get it by causing a huge drama.

If you've explained the situation re the SIL's then she needs to grow up or fuck right off.

leftangle · 18/05/2014 17:50

I'm godmother to one of my nieces and find it really hard as I don't want to treat her different from my other nieces. I'd rather be godmother to someone unrelated that I wouldn't generally have a special relationship with iyswim. Auntie is already a special relationship and will do all the godparent things.

Bowlersarm · 18/05/2014 17:53

YANBU.

We had non relatives as Godparents on purpose.

The DC already have our sisters as aunts, which is an important role in itself. I felt it was important they had people who weren't blood relations, to give them someone else they could turn to, or who would be personally invested in them particularly. Especially when they became older, and may need someone routing for them outside of the complications of family members.

BackforGood · 18/05/2014 17:54

I think YABU to not choose your sister if you otherwise would have because you don't want dh's sister - how is that fair on your sister ?

That said, the way she's reacting makes me wonder why you would want her - even if she'd hoped to be asked, she should understand it is entirley down to the parents and having a tantrum about it just shows her in a light that confirms you were right not to ask her.

I think it's pretty sensible, as a general principle to choose godparents from outside the family anyway - your sisters will always be their Aunty and 'there for your dc' anyway, in that role, so by choosing a friend, it is another adult in their life who can guide and support them.

As one of the earlier posters said, which of these adults would be the most likely to bring them up in the faith to which they are baptised in ? Surely that should be the biggest influence.

wheresthelight · 18/05/2014 22:10

A 'friend' of mine has severed contact as I didn't ask herto my godparent to dd (ibam godmum to her youngest and wwasn't even told about christening for eldest). My dp hates her, she has treated me like shit over the last few years and never gets off her arse to visit or phone unless she needs me to look after her kids - all reasons I didn't want her! I actually had no intention of even telling her about the christening except she outright asked and I am a crap liar.

My point is your kid your choice.

I think your reasons are very good and your dsis should respect them. But if not well it's her loss really!

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 19/05/2014 00:37

If anything happened to you and your DH, who would you want to rear your DC? I would ensure that person is god parent...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/05/2014 01:12

Momof2

That is not a god parents role, and would be something arranged by agreement then a will.

All godparents do is assist with spiritual support and guidance

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