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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking decisions over pull up etc

46 replies

uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 10:20

DD is 3.5 and wears a pull up at night. She is dry most of the time, but regressed to having some day time accidents recently, due to some upheaval at home, so thought it best to keep the pulls up on for now. She is getting her new big bed next week and I have been telling her that when she gets her new bed, she will stop wearing pull ups at night time. All good. Plastic sheets are bought!

MIL was very kindly looking after DD at our house last night. I told her about the pull ups.

Spoke to MIL this morning, DD didn't want to wear her pull up last night and wet herself during the night. Duvet, mattress covered in urine. I wanted to wait until we got her new bed, rather than stocking up on lots of spare bedding for a cot bed that she will be out of I days.

Add to this the background that one morning MIL took DD, then met me out for a coffee with DD and turned up with DD out of her nappy as DD had told her she didn't want to wear nappies anymore. Which was great given we were hours from home with no change. And we had been told by the dr to leave DDs potty training for a few more weeks after a UTI. MIL knew this.

So, there we are with two incidences where MIL has taken he lead with DDs toilet habits, and I believe she is selling it to us as DD asking. Coincidence?

AIBU to be a bit pissed off?

OP posts:
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 18/05/2014 10:29

Either have her in nappies / pull ups or don't. Everyone in on the decision - all this back tracking because of beds etc is just confusing for dc.

selsigfach · 18/05/2014 10:30

Yanbu. If she won't follow your wishes on important matters like this regarding your child's care, find a babysitter who will.

wheresthelight · 18/05/2014 10:30

It could well be your dd nit wanting to wear them but mil should be ignoring and following your instructions!!

My 8 yo dsd still has pull ups occasionally as she is lazy at going to the loo when in a situation where things. Are more interesting ie soft play centres etc my mil used to refuse to put her in them when she had them so we stopped her having them as it was ggetting beyond a joke having to strip wash dsd in the toilets every time (she wouldn't remind her to go either as she wanted it to be fun)

TarkaTheOtter · 18/05/2014 10:31

I would have the same suspicion as you.

JodieGarberJacob · 18/05/2014 10:32

Well both times your dd has said no to a nappy/pull up. Your mil may have thought that generally the decision lies with dd.

Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 10:33

bob we never backtracked. She has never been out of pull ups at night.

I need to be careful as as I am very grateful for MIL taking her overnight, but she needs to respect our parenting decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 10:34

Jodie, she tells me DD said that. I am not sure I believe her. DD knew the plan.

DD also comes back from MIL asking me if I have a baby in my tummy. MIL is desperate for another GC.

OP posts:
outtheothersidefinally · 18/05/2014 10:38

Pull ups at bight won't confuse her if she's out of nappies in the day. There's no rush for night time toilet training.

You're doing the right thing, following your instinct, getting daytime nappies out again due to emotional upheaval/illness to help DD until she can cope with pants again. She's a little human being and still young so there's no rush.

Re MIL reaffirm your boundaries/plan, or just wait until DD more settled re potty training until she has sleepovers.

Thomyorke · 18/05/2014 10:40

I do not agree with the conversation you have had with DD on a matter that she may have no control over, a new bed does not equate to her overcoming a bed wetting issue that she may not have any bodily control over. Your DD might have wanted to show MIL she was a big girl not needing pull up. It is more healthy for a child to be able to wear pull ups at night with no association of lazy/ being a baby/ not a big girl etc.

Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 10:41

Should I said, it as our house dd and mil stayed at last night. So it's our duvet, mattress etc is that soaked. I begrudge having to buy a new duvet for her toddler bed when is moving to her big bed on Friday!

OP posts:
TheIronGnome · 18/05/2014 11:05

I totally agree with Thomyorke aside from the disagreement with MIL you should not be making a deal out of nappies at nighttime, new beds, waterproof sheets. Children CANNOT control how dry they are at nighttime- it's dependant on a hormone being released. By making a 'thing' of it with a new bed=no night nappies you are setting your dd up for a fail.

And certainly do not buy a toddler duvet replacement for a few days, either get her a bed sooner or buy the right size duvet for the bed she will have and manage until she gets her bed.

MIL needs to respect your parenting decisions but you need to stick with pull ups at night until you have a very very high success rate of dry ones in the morning, not because she has a new bed.

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/05/2014 11:10

I also agree you need regular dry pull ups in the morning before stopping them at night. Dryness at night is about having the correct hormone in place to control this and 3.5years would be very early.

Lemonsole · 18/05/2014 11:17

YAB vvvv U if you think that a new bed will make your DD dry at night. It's hormonal, and it will happen in its own time. The only reason why she is asking to go without pull-ups at night is because her family have sent her a clear message that there is something shameful about not being dry at night. Wait until you have had a good run of dry nights before going commando - for some kids, like my DD, this may well be when they are 3.5. For my DS, however, it was 7.5. Both treated exactly the same. Both are within the realms of the expected range that reflects the wonderful diversity of DCs and how deeply some of them can sleep.

Lemonsole · 18/05/2014 11:25

Please look at some of the threads on the Potty training board, and we have a thread on being dry at night over on Behaviour and Development. Our thread is about our older DCs, but it should reassure you and your MIL that you need to let your DD know that pull-ups at night are just fine and dandy for her at the moment. They're less upsetting all round than wet beds, and totally age-appropriate. Oh, and don't be tempted into lifting her at night, as it most likely delay building their own capacity to wake up when they need a wee. A lot of us from the 70s and 80s have parents who claim that we were dry ridiculously young - but who we're lifting us at night and sitting us over a potty every 10 seconds. That's dry, but it ain't independent toileting.

TheTerribleBaroness · 18/05/2014 11:37

Why would you need to buy her a new duvet? Just pop it in have washing machine. It'll be dry by tonight, especially in this weather.

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2014 11:42

I really wouldn't take her out of pullups as soon as she gets her new bed. That has no meaning at her age.

I wouldn't take her out of them until either she is reliably dry for some time or she is reliably dry and she asks.

As to the duvet - it's warm! Either wash it and it will dry or just use sheets and a blanket (if you still have one)

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2014 11:43

Oh yes, and your MiL is very U. She should have done what you asked.

CrystalSkulls · 18/05/2014 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 11:49

Until last night she has been dry at night for 4 or 5 weeks. I am not forcing anything.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/05/2014 11:51

I don't think you can blame your mil here. Your DD said she didn't want to wear the pull ups. Maybe your mil couldn't face a tantrum so didn't insist.

Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 11:53

I'm actually really annoyed now. I'm not putting her through any trauma. Not did I ask about the reasonableness or otherwise of dd being dry, or not, at night. I was asking about MIL overriding my parental decisions.

If I wanted to ask about the approach we were using with DD I would have given all the relevant info. I didn't as that wasn't what this was about

OP posts:
DocDaneeka · 18/05/2014 11:53

Don't but a duvet. We're in the north and it is easy warm enough for sheets and a light blanket

Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 11:55

DD won't have thrown a tantrum about the pull up. I suppose mil show just let her go to bed at 11pm with a bag of choc buttons if that us what dd asks for.

This is why I don't get her to babysit often.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheauntie · 18/05/2014 11:56

It is a light weight duvet, we need one here. We are more north than most in the uk!

OP posts:
3catsnokids · 18/05/2014 12:13

How do you know your daughter wouldn't have thrown a tantrum when Grandma got out the pull up? She might not have done for you but might behave totally differently for Grandma.

I often see grandparents out and about with kids and some of them do struggle with their behaviour or with the physical demands of having them. But I bet they don't tell the kids' parents that so they struggle on regardless. So I don't blame them for 'cutting corners' to make their lives easier. If MIL knew that a pull up would mean screaming and a physcal battle to wrestle a 3 year old into it then I don't blame her for leaving it off. However if your daughter just said very calmly 'I don't want to' and MIL made no further effort to persuade her then yes, she should have tried harder.