....or is my aunt?

[GeraldineFangedVagine]

I had a c section 4 days ago due to having a massive pph in my first pregnancy and massive terror this time. my aunt agreed to visit me in London and said she would look after my 4 year old on the day. She then said she would stay with a friend. I find her friend odd as she always comes everywhere with my aunt.
So on the day my aunt brought her friend and my 30 year old cousin. They kept asking when id be finished etc and generally really stressing me out. Anyway during the surgery, at the end, a uterine vessel burst and I had another major haemmorhage, crash call, transfusions etc. baby is gorgeous and fine. To be fair my aunt looked after my ds till about 8.30pm then dp went home. I had previously said please dont bring your friend to the hospital to see me, come on your own. She agreed, then the next day said can she bring my cousin. I reluctantly agreed. When she arrived her friend also came. Kept popping in and out of the room being weird. My aunt asked me if I minded so I told the truth that I did (friend out of room) and now aunt isnt talking to me. saying how great her friend had been etc. turns out friend was listening at door too.
I feel really bad for a) upsetting my aunt when she did kind of help me b) offending her friend and c) caring about what seems like a trivial thing when I should be really happy. she did kind of minimise my near death experiences which has also really upset me.
Was I being precious or rude Im really not sure now. Thanks for getting to the end and letting me have a self indulgent rant!

I am usually first to day when people are (imo) being precious, but in this case you were most definitely not.

She sounds like a loon. Is she your only close family?

And congratulations on your new DC!!

It sounds like you went through a lot and only wanted to see close family. Which is fair enough. I'm probably way off the mark, but is your aunt's 'friend' actually her partner? It sound as though she thinks of her as family, and struggles to recognise that you don't.

I'm glad you're ok.

Oh and enormous congratulations!

well she shouldnt have asked within ear shot, and her friend shouldnt have been eavesdropping. you did say you didnt want the friend.
congrats.
and ignore

Is her friend actually her partner ? Sounds like it could be.

Sorry you had such a traumatic time and congrats on your new baby.

yanbu. Aunt should respect your wishes especially as you had such a difficult time. I know she helped you out but it wasn't such a great favour for a family member in need.

maybe friend is actually aunts partner and that's why she is so upset!

Enjoy baby snuggling and comfort food and dont let this bother you you did nothing wrong

I think under the circumstances you we're definitely not being unreasonable. The friend could have stayed outside or just popped in once to say hello and then given you space. Your aunt was being insensitive. Just concentrate on your new baby, your health and maybe just send your aunt an apology if you feel.

I wouldn't have wanted just any old body peering at me the day after my elective section and I didn't have half as traumatic a time as you did, you poor thing. I really just wanted my husband/dd, my sister and my mum. Anyone bringing a friend might have got a punch in the throat.

So no, YANBU. Regardless of doing you a favour, your aunt disrespected your wishes regarding bringing the friend to the hospital and that's pretty rude.

Great minds think alike! She is sooo her partner!

So what if she is her partner.

It's a very unkind thing to do YANBU

My first thought was that this sounds like more than a friendship as well.

I think there has to be give and take, and as you got a big favour from her you have to be a but willing to give, and if the friend was helping with your dd then it would have been nice of you to accommodate her. But if you don't want to you don't want to. You have just been through labour, and IMO that gives you a right to be unreasonable for at least a week.

Well you were nicer than I would have been anyway. maybe your aunt needs to understand that actually, at this time you don't really want random strangers that mean nothing to you popping in and out of her hospital room. The friend sounds like a petty teenage girl rather than an adult to be honest

Yanbu.

You get to dictate who you do and don't see when you're unwell your aunt was rude to ignore that. Her friend was rude for listening at the door.

You're not the one who should be feeling guilty here, I'd be bloody angry at being treated to a guilt trip over a situation that had been caused by ignoring my wishes.

We all say things we wouldn't usually when we're fragile and people who refuse to recognise context and overlook it in favour of supporting you deserve nothing less than the row they appear determined to seek out.

Congratulations on your newborn and I hope your starting to feel stronger

The friend being her partner doesn't make the aunt any less unreasonable, but it does explain why the aunt has a blindspot in relation to her.

thanks for the replies. her friend is deffo just a friend, shes married. She finds my area of London scary so stays with friend as she lives in a posh bit (imo) which is fine, but I just feel on this one occasion she could have tried to see my side. I dont see her friend as family at all and have no idea why her son came either. they ended up having a four day break in London. i just find it all really weird. She is my only close family since my mum died. I think partly the friend has no self awareness and my aunt doesnt see the problem.

Yes I agree this must be her partner.
is your cousin your aunt's dd?
Congratulations on your baby and yanbu in the slightest, even if they are partners it's perfectly fine to state a preference for individuals during childbirth and straight after!

Your aunt was not thinking of your needs first. YANBU

Your aunt was being odd and does owe you an apology.

Being married doesn't preclude them from being in a relationship.

But anyway.

YANBU! Enjoy your lovely baby.

but perhaps she your aunt is proud of you and your new baby. i visited a work mate's daughter with work mate, and held the baby

people want to see new babies, they are adorable.

I agree that them being married doesn't mean they couldn't be partners and good luck to them if they were, but I'm as sure as I can be that they aren't. They have been friends for 40 odd years which is fine and also fine that my aunt is fearful of London and wanted some support, but just this one day. My aunt used to visit alone but I think she feels if she stays with friend she cant tell her or wont tell her not to come. and why her 30 year old son whom im in no way close to at all.
Thanks for all the support and well wishes. Glad Im not being horrible. I think best me not mention it again and im definitely not going to apologise which is what Im desperate to do.

It was horribly insensitive of her. Some people see birth as just the appearance of a new baby, and not as being post op after severe abdominal surgery with complications (as in your case). You would never bring a stranger to see someone who'd had their appendix out. She was thoughtless.

Hopefully you can have a calm conversation about it all when things are settled. Thank her for her help, and then explain that you were simply in no state to receive anything but immediate family, and you were very taken aback that they turned up uninvited.

You are allowed to feel let down. But hopefully it will all be sorted in time :)

thanks for the calming, kind replies. I feel guilty as she bought lots of nice baby things and is obviously really keen to be involved. I dont want us to fall out but equally I dont want her to visit and bring friend every time. Her friend was nice to come with her and drive her around etc. so I am being a bit mean but I would never have wanted her there. When I found out she was involved I tried to get a friend to take DS but it was too late. I cant relax when she's here. Thanks for the good advice all. im going to stop obsessing over it now.

i think you will have to let the friend visit now though, are you feeling better physically?

Ffs, you've had a baby, nearly died and she makes at all about her??
I'm not one to read/comment on AIBU, but really, your aunt is being completely unreasonable. What a horrible thing that friend did, listening at the door! So disrespectful to you!

Try and put it to the back of your mind for the moment and enjoy your new baby. If you're still in hospital get the nurses to say 'close family visitors only' or 'no visitors'.

i dont mind the friend visiting usually. just find it odd she always comes as me and aunt live far apart and so visits are infrequent. sometimes id just like to see my aunt ifykwim. when she next visits I wont say anything. I was out of sorts that particular day.