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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set ground rules for meeting DD?

28 replies

Anonynony · 18/05/2014 09:13

Okay this is really hard for me and I want to be as normal and rational as I can be about it but I need your help! My ex and myself ended our relationship 10 months ago and he is with his new girlfriend officially 4 months now and has decided he wants to introduce her to our DD who's almost 3.

Honestly I'm not happy about it but this girl has really calmed him down as he had been going off the rails and not bothering with DD in the months after our break up so I am weirdly glad of the relationship as he has since been more respectful of me and his time with DD. I have done a bit of Facebook stalking Blush and even though she's only 23 she seems like a nice girl and I'm probably going to agree to her meeting DD in the coming weeks though it makes me so sad, it's just not a situation you imagine when you bring a new baby home Sad

I really don't want to be a controlling ex but I'd like to ask them to respect some ground rules like no pics on Facebook (she's very very active on Facebook and seems to post multiple times a day about everything), is it unreasonable of me to ask them to not be all kissy in front of her? Or should I just let them get on with it and mind my own business? Any advice please because part of me is totally irrational but the other part thinks sure what harm is another person to love her in her life? I'm also hesitate because just two weeks ago he told me he wasn't sure about the relationship and thought it would fizzle out Shock but now apparently he's completely certain!

OP posts:
harriet247 · 18/05/2014 09:16

Can you message her and apeak to her on the phone or ask to go for a coffee together?

FunnyFoot · 18/05/2014 09:22

I think the no pics on FB is a reasonable request however the no kissing is very unreasonable ( but you know that really).

I think given your DDs age and how long you have been apart will probably make an introduction to a new GF easier and they have been together 4 months not 4 weeks.
I understand it is hard for you and you will have conflicting feelings but it sounds as if the GF has had a positive affect on your ex so maybe she is responsible enough to spend time with your child.

Just try and distance yourself from their relationship OP and any rules you set out you need to ask yourself if it was the other way around would you abide by them and think they were reasonable.

SteamMopLover · 18/05/2014 09:23

If you follow the rule of no photos of DD on Facebook then yes tell him/her. But if you p,ace her photos online where strangers can see it, such as friend's pages, then you are being unreasonable yo stop him/her from doing the same.

About kissing, I think that is totally unreasonable to ask them that. Your daughter will not come to no harm seeing two adults expressing love.

I think you are just generally anxious. Talk with her on the phone. All will be well.

Original poster
Anonynony · 18/05/2014 09:24

This is what I was thinking, maybe sending her a nice message or something. I don't want relations to get off to a bad start because this could actually be a person who plays a big part in DD's life though my ex is acting like the whole thing is no big deal at all and making me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill being concerned.
I'm not sure what's normal in this set up.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 18/05/2014 09:25

Could you stand asking them to meet with dd for the first time at your house? Even if you are just there for the handover part before they take dd out? Then you could meet her too. It would be better for dd if you and the gf could be, well not friends but people who can talk to each other.

Original poster
Anonynony · 18/05/2014 09:27

Haha Okay maybe the kissing thing is a bit out of order, glad I asked here first!

The Facebook thing though, I do port pics of DD but my page is private and I'm sorry this sounds awful but she's my child. Her dad hasn't got a Facebook and I wouldn't mind him doing so if he did but I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of the girlfriend doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonynony · 18/05/2014 09:29

No savoy I couldn't stand that but I was thinking of inviting her to DDs birthday next month. That way it's a relaxed friendly environment and I have people around for some moral support. All really nice people mind who would be nothing but friendly to her!

OP posts:
harriet247 · 18/05/2014 09:30

You sound really nice Op.

PorkPieandPickle · 18/05/2014 09:34

I would just wait and see what happens with Fb rather than come across with 'rules'. She might not actually do that. It never occurred to me to post pics of my DSS as soon as I met him.

I would just take a step back and not really get involved. Their relationship is their business really, and it's not down to you to decide how they're introduced etc. you will get off with the new gf on the wrong foot straight away if you come across as controlling and not able to let dd's dad make his own decisions relating to her.

Chocolategirl7 · 18/05/2014 09:34

You sound very grounded and realistic. Sounds like a great idea to set some ground rules early on.

PorkPieandPickle · 18/05/2014 09:35

Just read your update, actually the birthday party idea sounds really nice, and not the awkward 'forced meeting' I was imagining!!

Trooperslane · 18/05/2014 09:38

I also want to post that you sound lovely op.

Birthday party is a great idea. Lots of people, you and dd the main attractions and you'll be too busy to feel apprehensive or too focused on her.

And you can also have a Wine too! Thanks

CoffeeTea103 · 18/05/2014 09:38

Op you sound really lovely and willing to make a very concerted attempt at getting to know her. The birthday idea sounds great! Also I think the no fb pictures are completely reasonable.

Original poster
Anonynony · 18/05/2014 09:52

Oh thank you all, sometimes I really need this place to ground me because when they first got together I was SO hurt and not at all reasonable, I honestly never thought I'd be alright with this meeting taking place Blush

I know "ground rules" sounds horrible but I'd rather mention them in a really casual way (maybe to ex and let it filter back) than get off to a good start then have to wade in a few weeks/months down the line. Like I'd like to meet her briefly at the party say then let them just get on with it from then on, I don't intend on being a fixture in their relationship don't worry Grin

Agh it's tough but not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Once again mumsnet to the rescue Thanks

OP posts:
ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 09:54

It must be really hard for you, but it sounds like your ex and his gf have a loving relationship and it will be good for your dd to witness this. I'm sure to start with they will be sensitive to this and will let your dd get to know her before being overly affectionate in front of her, but presumable she's aware that her daddy has a new gf so it won't come as a great shock to her to see them kiss.

As for FB I think it's entirely reasonable not to want pics of your dd posted for the public or for her friends that you don't know. However, my DSDs' mum has all her FB set to public and mine is private with only friends and family and I do sometimes post photos of them with my DCs when we've been for a day out or on holiday etc.

I realise now that I perhaps should have asked their mum if she was ok with this before I posted. DP doesn't mind at all and I share them with him, but their mum may sell have other views. If your ex's gf does make a mistake like that please don't be hard on her, it is difficult striking the right balance of being involved and loving to the DSCs without treading on anyone's toes, even as a mum myself. I can imagine for a younger woman with no DCs of her own, knowing what is/isn't acceptable or appropriate must be very difficult.

ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 09:57

Yes birthday idea is a good one, as long as it doesn't make the party awkward for you. It will be good for your dd to see you being friendly to ex and his gf so that she has 'permission' to be ok about it too.

You do sound very together about it all, you've obviously come a long way from feeling so upset about it all to start with ThanksThanksThanks

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2014 10:06

If the OP can see the GF's facebook page, then the privacy settings aren't set at all very high, so I don't think it would hurt to mention, it in a by-the-way kind of manner.

Don't quite know how you do that without making it obvious that you've been stalking looking, but then I suppose that would be the normal thing to do these days anyway.

MammaTJ · 18/05/2014 10:12

I think mentioning how public her profile is would be better than a nan on all pics!

What if their relationship stands the test of time and they have a baby? Your child could be very hurt by loads of pics of newborn and none of her!

ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 10:19

Yes, my dsd will ask me to post pics of her or things she's made and done on FB. It makes her feel part of the family.

Original poster
Anonynony · 18/05/2014 10:33

Hmm he's now saying he doesn't particularly want to bring her to the birthday because he's not ready to introduce her to his family!

OP posts:
purplemeggie · 18/05/2014 10:34

I think no Facebook pictures is entirely reasonable....I get really cross when people post pics of DS without asking....I think that children should have a right to determine their own online identity when they're older.

I can also understand your concerns that this may not be a lasting relathionship, although at 3, your DD will be quite resilient to people coming in and out of her life.

Would it help if you asked to meet the girlfriend before agreeing to her meeting your DD? I get that that might be uncomfortable, you must still be feeling pretty raw after only 10 months (but as an ex-wife myself I found that there was quite an advantage in being the reasonable one - it can help you head off unreasonable behaviour from your ex or their new partner) and then you will have a better idea of who you're trusting with your DD.

And Facebook stalking is totally normal....in this case, it's just responsible parenting Wink and I'm sure the girlfriend will have had a good stalk of you, too!

Good luck.

purplemeggie · 18/05/2014 10:39

Sorry -there were no other replies when I started typing mine, but I got interrupted by ds and when I hit post I realised it had all moved on a bit!

Lanabelle · 18/05/2014 10:43

ask to meet her first for a cuppa, she might actually be glad of it and you could discuss the things you have concerns about and the reasons why face to face. if she has been that good for him then she is probably a reasonable girl herself.

ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 13:43

He's probably concerned that he/she will get a less than favourable reception if it's you organising the party! If she's ready to meet your child she should be ready to meet the rest of the family, but I suppose it would be quite overwhelming for her to be in that situation as the outsider, not knowing who were your family/friends and who were his or what they've been told about her.

Bluetonic123 · 18/05/2014 14:27

As someone who doesn't have children but who is in a relationship with one I'd have no issue with not putting pictures of them on Facebook. I would probably expect this to come from my boyfriend rather than his ex though. I don't feel comfortable acting 'couply' in front of the children at all so I don't think the no kissing thing would bother me. I wouldn't kiss him in front of them anyway.

Also, I'd feel very uncomfortable about meeting the whole family at once at a birthday party.

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