To set ground rules for meeting DD?

[Anonynony]

Okay this is really hard for me and I want to be as normal and rational as I can be about it but I need your help! My ex and myself ended our relationship 10 months ago and he is with his new girlfriend officially 4 months now and has decided he wants to introduce her to our DD who's almost 3.

Honestly I'm not happy about it but this girl has really calmed him down as he had been going off the rails and not bothering with DD in the months after our break up so I am weirdly glad of the relationship as he has since been more respectful of me and his time with DD. I have done a bit of Facebook stalking and even though she's only 23 she seems like a nice girl and I'm probably going to agree to her meeting DD in the coming weeks though it makes me so sad, it's just not a situation you imagine when you bring a new baby home

I really don't want to be a controlling ex but I'd like to ask them to respect some ground rules like no pics on Facebook (she's very very active on Facebook and seems to post multiple times a day about everything), is it unreasonable of me to ask them to not be all kissy in front of her? Or should I just let them get on with it and mind my own business? Any advice please because part of me is totally irrational but the other part thinks sure what harm is another person to love her in her life? I'm also hesitate because just two weeks ago he told me he wasn't sure about the relationship and thought it would fizzle out but now apparently he's completely certain!

Uh Oh, you were all wrong about me being nice and reasonable
I'm freaking out a bit now thinking that never would probably be a better time for them to meet

I haven't said anything yet as I KNOW I'm being a loola but I had dreams about them all playing happy families and everything last night. Feel quite sick about the whole thing now.

Perhaps you need to try not to build it up in your mind, which is why sooner may be better than later.

I built up meeting my DP's ex in my mind until I was a bit freaked out by it, also his boss who is a good friend of the family.

As it happened both of those happened as a 'just passing' drop-in at his house, quick hello and a couple of pleasantries and then they left. It kind of took the power out of the situation by getting it over with but so quickly that it wasn't painful.

Perhaps that's how you should try and approach this situation too. Either just pop in to say hello next time DD is at her dad's or try and push for a brief meeting with GF and DD rather than thinking it will be a big happy family day out.

It's inevitable that there will be times when they all do nice things together, but bear in mind that there will also be plenty of time when they are just like the rest of us, doing chores, washing up and making dinner.

The GF might even find it all a bit overwhelming spending time with DD, having to share his attention, and decide to do her own thing a bit more when it's his weekend.

Don't imagine she'll be all Mary Poppins all the time! I must confess I made more of an effort with DP's DCs when we first got together, I'd buy crafty stuff and do baking with all the kids together, take them out on bikes etc. Now we just end up lounging around while they entertain themselves most weekends! It does become 'normal' very quickly for children and while this might not be the 'normal' you have always dreamed of, normal is good for your DD.

Do try not to let it get to you

You do sound lovely op and thinking about doing the right thing for your DD even though it might not be right/nice for you. Even with the update about feeling sick. Can't be easy.

On the whole Facebook thing, someone said what if they stand the test of time and have a baby and post pics of their DC and not yours, etc, etc. Well... on the flip-side, what if they don't last... and then his next gf of 4-months posts pics whenever she sees DD... then the next one does the same, etc. Over a couple of years you could have a load of photos posted by a string of different women, many of whom no longer have anything to do with you and/or DD. Nothing at all wrong with saying 'no FB pics for the time being' and then changing your position if/when they last and want to post pics of their/your DCs together in the future. You could let them know you're happy to discuss it again in, say, a year.

I can understand not wanting to introduce her to all the family at once at a party like that, but not sure I agree that he should be introducing her to his child if he doesn't want her to meet the rest of his family. Hmm... I don't have kids, so I can't decide if this is weird or I'm just being silly.