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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the inlaws to visti us

26 replies

Cookiechef · 18/05/2014 01:16

A bit of background, we live 45minutes from dp's family we have a ds who is 3 in two weeks.
Dp's mum and sister have visited twice on ds past two birthday and because dp's mum says she doesn't want to drive here dp has went and picked them up both times taking him away from ds on his birthdays which he wasn't happy about.
They expect us to visit every week, last year dp was in an accident that wrote of his car and we didn't find a new one for 3 months and had to travel on 2 buses to visit them even tho mil has access to her dads mobility car and he is happy for her to use it to visit but she won't.
This week sil asked us to look after dnephew we said yes but only if they could bring him here, they refused and got upset that we wouldn't drive up then take him back the following morning.
Also our ds had autism so when visiting them he gets up to alsorts and expect him to play with his cousin as they don't understand ds doesn't get the concept and is very into doing things on his own which lands all the adults having conversations about it and them thinking it's our fault he's not potty trained can't talk and just about everything else he does that his cousin does is our fault.
Anyway in two weeks we are having his 3rd birthday party and they expect dp to drive again but dp doesn't want to but he's also not got the backbone to tell them outright so will probably be talked into it, am I unreasonable in thinking if they don't come down on there own then that's not our problem.

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 18/05/2014 01:28

yanbu

I wouldn't bother my arse, if they can't be bothered then fuck them.

also, autism is well, autism . of course your ds is going to do things differently to his cousin, at a different stage or whatever.
even without autism, children are individuals, they're not pre-programmed ffs

they sound like tossers.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2014 02:14

I think it's reasonable to expect them to love your DS as he is.

If they don't/can't, then you really don't want to be exposing him to the constant judgements. At three he might not notice, but that could be different when he's older, and that wouldn't be something I couldn't sit back and take without murders

If you've said something to them about it already and they've ignored you, do you feel up to ramming the point home with you DH? That as your DSs other parent you're not going to let them treat your him like that?

You can meet their expectation that you'll go down every weekend with the expectation that they'll understand if you have something else on.

Can your car have a pre-planned problem making it impossible for your DH to pick them up?

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2014 02:15

And how cheeky is your SIL?? Shock

What form did her 'upset' take?

Did you go an pick him up?

Original poster
Cookiechef · 18/05/2014 03:27

She thought we were trying to get out of looking after her ds, we did not go and get him as dp was working that night doing a gig and did not want to be wasting to much petrol as we have a low income ATM.

OP posts:
AElfgifu · 18/05/2014 06:35

2 buses is no big deal at all,this journey is easier than the one my DC have every morning to school, then every evening home again! They can get the bus if they don't want to drive.

YANBU

bedraggledmumoftwo · 18/05/2014 06:44

Wow, yanbu. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without massive round trips because the ILs expect to see you every week. And it sounds like it is difficult when you are there, not to mention the financial cost. I would be cutting back a bit if I were you, if they are that bothered they do have the means to visit you.

and as for SIL, expecting you to do two 90 minute round trips so that you can offer some free childcare, double wow!

ALifeOfPie · 18/05/2014 06:48

Yanbu - its fine for there to be an imbalance (we visit the in laws about 3times as much as they visit us, but the distance is much greater) but if they put on no effort at all then it's fair for you to refuse.

quietbatperson · 18/05/2014 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 18/05/2014 08:05

YANBU.

They expected you to go up and see them when you didn't have a car with a young child in tow, but because MIL chooses not to drive you are being unreasonable?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/05/2014 08:10

MIL should not be using her F's Motability car for herself. It's only to be used for his benefit.

I'd tell them you're finding the time and cost of travel difficult so from now on you're going to alternate it. You will see them next Saturday as planned, but they can come to you for the next visit. If they don't come, then you won't be visiting them until you find it convenient.

SIL was especially rude.

KatieKaye · 18/05/2014 08:18

Cookie - you are definitely not being unreasonable!
It sounds like you and DP have very busy lives and getting two buses is hardly a major chore - more like an everyday event. Stick to your guns and tell them DP is needed at home to help with DS and the party preparations.
Going into a strop because you won't do a 3 hour round trip in order to do someone a favour is ridiculous and incredibly childish.
They don't sound as if they have made any effort to understand DS's autism - are they in denial? I can understand how it must be upsetting for you to have to keep telling them that his development may not be the same as his cousin's and that his life may be very different. Could DP have a word with them and explain things to them very clearly indeed and ask that they try to support you a little by not constantly emphasising the differences and instead concentrate on the positives?

Kundry · 18/05/2014 08:21

YANBU. DO you really want to be doing this every weekend for the next 20 years?

DP needs to find his backbone or you tell him he can go on his own as you and your DS are not going.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2014 08:24

We had all this when DD was younger, we were blamed for every delay she had and our lack of discipline was at root of everything.

Now she is 7 and non verbal and in nappies people are much more understanding (not saying your child will be like her)

It'S a hard time. They may come round. If not I would avoid them if possible, you will have enough on plate without adding more stress.

Hard when it's your DPs parents though I know.

Original poster
Cookiechef · 18/05/2014 09:21

Dp woke me up the morning to talk about it and has said to me he is not going to go and get them, he's staying at his grans next to his mums tomorrow night as he's working up there tomorrow so he will tell them then.
He reckons it's not going to sit well but it's not his problem.
About the buses it's not a problem for me or dp but ds isn't happy on them he's never been able to settle properly and one of the buses doesn't allow any buggy's on so it's an hour of trying to keep him sitting and letting him scream, the other bus is 45 minutes but he was in his buggy for that so wasn't to bad.

OP posts:
StarDustInTheWind · 18/05/2014 09:25

If they don't want to drive down, perhaps they could take the bus...

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 09:30

OP, when people talk about buses not being a problem, I don't think they're saying that in relation to you - I think they mean that it would not be difficult for DP's mum to use them if she doesn't want to drive. And I agree.

hamptoncourt · 18/05/2014 09:33

Yes OP why can't the ILS get the bus?

KatieKaye · 18/05/2014 09:37

Op - my comment about the buses was definitely not in relation to you, but to MIL. A long bus journey with a 3 year old, far less one with ASD, is going to be much more challenging for a single adult! It sounds like she just uses any old excuse she can.
SO glad your DP is going to stand firm! He can tell his mother he's going to be busy blowing balloons/making up party bags/cooking sausages/general party arrangements/looking after DS etc - which is probably the truth anyway!
If they cannot accept that your life has additional challenges, then that's very hurtful, and certainly not a reason why you should have to run around after them when you have your hands full anyway. Actually, it sounds a bit like emotional blackmail, as in "we won't come and see you unless you collect us and then take us back home again."
Stay strong and I hope DS has a wonderful birthday - without or without DPs family in attendance.

Original poster
Cookiechef · 18/05/2014 10:01

Dp is sitting joking he will be home tomorrow if all doesn't go well.
His df passed when he was a teen and he's the oldest of 4 siblings the youngest is now 12 so he feels obligated to help them out when ever they ask him for something.
I've only just managed to stop him lending out money every month to mil and sil as he no longer has the same job or income which we can afford to and never see the money again.
When I used to work between me and dp's old wage it was never a problem (partly because he didn't tell me the real figures) he was embarrassed to tell me for some reason, but now he's on a lower income and I'm on carers allowance so we can get ds to therapy's and both slow our life's down a bit as we both worked 48 hours a week until last year.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/05/2014 10:04

I would be really proactive about inviting them to visit. Whilst they probably won't take you up on it, at least they can't complain that you've excluded them.

Pimpf · 18/05/2014 10:10

Hope all goes well. Yanbu, they need to make an effort and not have you doing all the running.

KatieKaye · 18/05/2014 10:17

Oh Cookie, it must be hard for him, with all those expectations from his MIL and siblings.
they are being very thoughtless to put such demands on him, knowing the situation with DS - at least I'm presuming they do know?
maybe you should stop having to explain things to them, because it sounds as if they don't listen, because they don't want to listen and understand but just want DP to keep on putting their needs above those of you and DS? One tip is for DP just to say "No, I'm sorry, but I can't come and do X, Y or Z." No explanations, just a statement of fact. If pushed, he can say "Because that doesn't work for us." they need to accept that he puts his family first and that his family is you and DS.
You are not being unreasonable - as others have said it is DPs party that need to start making an effort. Just keep on inviting them and if they put unrealistic demands, then say "Oh, that's a pity then. When is a good time for you to come and visit us?" Change the dynamics of them demanding to you being welcoming but with an expectation they make the journey to see you (under their own steam) as well as vice versa.

Kundry · 18/05/2014 10:29

I suspect his family see him as their parent rather than son/brother given the history. He has to keep helping younger sibs out and contribute financially. Understandable given the ages when his father died but sad that his mum hasn't seen this happening and tried to make sure he didn't end up being responsible for every one. No wonder he now ends up feeling guilty and finds it hard to say no.

He will have to say no to his mum and it may well take some explicit but gentle spelling out to his siblings that they will also grow up and have families of their own.

OMGtwins · 18/05/2014 10:40

last post hit the nail on the head, their relationship might very well be one of they depend on his like a substitute father figure. glad he's choosing to stand his ground with them and hope it goes OK.

we have the same with my FiL, he never travels to see us and the babies (has been to visit twice in ten years and has often dropped out visits at the last minute due to illness, bit that's another story) even though they only live an hour and a half away from us... our MiL comes more frequently on her own. we started off going to them moreboften but as we have got busier and now have DTs we find it much harder to go visit. its sad for my OH as she doesn't see her dad very often at all and his behaviour makes her feel like he doesn't care, but its his behaviour and his issue not ours, as it is with your in laws.

good luck with getting it sorted so it works for you as opposed to them having it all their way.

OMGtwins · 18/05/2014 10:46

that wasnt meant to sound that harsh, what I meant to say was that their (DP and his family) relationship needs to evolve to accommodate how to things are now not how they were, and good luck with finding that new equilibrium xx

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