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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed MIL and other stories. AIBU to never attend an in-law party again.

42 replies

movingalot · 17/05/2014 22:19

DH's sister's DS had his communion today. DH is away on a work trip, and I was planning to be away too, with DD, so we had said to SIL that we wouldn't be going to the party. Fine.

By way of back story, DH travels with work a lot, so I have attended several IL family occasions without him. It is an effort to socialise with them all when I'm on my own (his three sisters are really close and v cliquey), but DH likes me to go along to kind of 'represent' him. However, there have been two occasions when, because he was away, his family assumed I wouldn't be attending, and made me feel like a stalker when I turned up Blush.

So, my plans changed at the last minute, and I was around after all. I wasn't going to make contact, but DH wanted his parents to see DD as they rarely see her, so I rang MIL yesterday evening to see would I call around at some stage over the weekend with DD. She sounded very enthusiastic, and said that they were busy for the whole weekend preparing for the communion so the easiest thing would be to come along to it. I said, no, as SIL was using caterers, and I didn't want to throw off the numbers by turning up at the last minute, but she insisted, and said that she would tell SIL (MIL and PIL fund all their family events Hmm). I texted SIL yesterday evening to see would it be ok if I popped in to drop off a present and see everyone, bu didn't get a reply.

Surprise surprise, when I popped into the party this afternoon with DD, I was greeted with shrieks of horror that I was there, eye-rolling by SIL, and no recollection whatsoever by MIL of the invite. She had been on the way home from a ladies boozy lunch when we spoke. I was totally mortified as everyone was joking about how I had changed my plans just to go to the party, handed over my envelope full of cash, Irish communion style!, dragged DD off the bouncy castle and legged it. WIBU never to attend another IL event without DH?

OP posts:
HeyBungalowBill · 17/05/2014 22:24

I know I wouldn't attend any more if I was in your shoes OP that's disgusting! How can they be so awful?

ViviPru · 17/05/2014 22:26

Rotters. You'll never do it again though, eh?

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 22:26

No, that would definitely not be unreasonable!

CoffeeTea103 · 17/05/2014 22:30

Yanbu, how horrible of them allShock.

FreeSpirit89 · 17/05/2014 22:30

How horrible! I woulda legged it with the cash and treated DD to something. Seem like horrible people.

TheCatThatSmiled · 17/05/2014 22:30

So your MIL invited you, you texted your SIL, turned up with a gift and they still made you feel like a gatecrasher?

Fuck em. I wouldn't even go to family events WITH my DH present.

Rude and mean.

Loverofpeas · 17/05/2014 22:30

Put your foot down.

mameulah · 17/05/2014 22:31

yadnbu

lizzzyyliveson · 17/05/2014 22:33

Make your mantra, 'if I'm not welcome, neither is my gift' and stick to it in future. How bloody rude of your inlaws. If that is their understanding of Christianity then I think they need to go back and look again for the place in the Bible where Jesus shrieked in horror and told people he didn't have enough loaves and fishes for them all and could they piss off.

gamerchick · 17/05/2014 22:35

yes put your foot down.

Why did you hand over a gift though.. just say you were leaving as obviously the MIL hadn't remembered inviting you and they wouldn't be wanting it then.

Then tell your dude to get the swines sorted out or you'll not be going along to anything with him ever again.

In fact I would tell them all to get fucked tbh.

MollyHooper · 17/05/2014 22:35

You should have been invited in the first place.

They are odd, steer clear.

Hairylegs47 · 17/05/2014 22:41

lizzzy very funny [big grin] I can just see big JC telling the disciples, 'Well, they should've brought a packed lunch! Free loading bunch of losers'.

Don't bother with them ever again, they certainly don't practise any form of Christianity that's worth being part of. It's their loss.

Original poster
movingalot · 17/05/2014 22:47

Oh good I'm not BU! Yes I think I have finally learned my lesson. I have to say, I considered leaving with my envelope and going shopping, but my nephew is great so he deserved the gift. Unlike his mother Angry

OP posts:
Groovee · 17/05/2014 22:47

I'd have legged it too OP.

Flyonthewindscreen · 17/05/2014 22:55

Make sure you tell your DH exactly what happened and that you won't be attending any more events "on his behalf".

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2014 23:36

How very, very rude.

You wouldn't do that to a stranger, let alone a close relative.

LizLimone · 17/05/2014 23:44

Why weren't you welcome in the first place if it was a family Communion? They sound kind of strange to overreact like that over a communion party especially since you had texted your SIL. Rude of your MIL to 'forget' inviting you too.

YWNBU to complain to your DH and not go to future in-law shindigs.

2rebecca · 17/05/2014 23:50

Bizarre your family weren't invited in the first place, bizarre MIL gets that drunk that she forgets inviting you, bizarre that even if you were unexpected they commented on it and made you feel unwelcome.
I'd be telling DH that if his relatives want to see DD they can arrange to come over preferably when he is there as you aren't being treated this shabbily again.
Leave them to their clique. They sound unpleasant.

greenbananas · 17/05/2014 23:56

I'm so sorry to hear they made you feel like this.

It sounds like a very odd family dynamic. As others have said, you should have been invited and made welcome right from the start.

Yanbu, so don't let it get you down.

Think you were right to leave the gift though. Much more honest and dignified than taking it away again. Sounds like you behaved completely reasonably throughout.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 17/05/2014 23:56

Rude
Rude
Rude
Rude

And being nationalist/culturalist, being Irish myself, if someone uninvited/unexpected turns up the norm is to pretend that this is the best thing in the world ever ever. . .

You NEVER make someone feel unwelcome, even if you are seething inside, our in family joke is we know who Ma hates the most by how welcoming she is to them. . . .

Don't get me wrong, my mother is a wonderful person, it would hurt her deeply if anyone left our house feeling unwelcome. Add to that the Irish need to be hospitable to any and every one.

Me, being a bolshy Culchie would be looking for their credentials Grin and calling them all plastics [deeply insulting to 'real'Irish]

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 17/05/2014 23:58

Bolshy, should that be bolshie?

TheCatThatSmiled · 18/05/2014 02:04

Exactly, what vintage says. I'm Irish. I invited two aunts to my very small (30 guests) wedding. One Aunt also brought her best friend, lovely woman, but never met her before, and my adult cousin, and his daughter.

I welcomed and hugged all of them, gave the little lass a small bunch of flowers to feel included (no other kids, not deliberately, just how it happened) and quietly panicked and ran around trying to organise more place settings. It was a bit of a squeeze, but was lovely and I had no intention of spoiling it for anyone.

Merel · 18/05/2014 02:27

Completely shocked by your story OP. If I was hosting a similar event and a virtual stranger turned up, I would be touched that they thought enough of my child and family to make a show. I would be happy to accommodate. Astounded that they would treat a family member in this way. You would certainly not be unreasonable to avoid any further gatherings with these people.

MammaTJ · 18/05/2014 05:03

What was your DH's reaction when you told him?

Original poster
movingalot · 18/05/2014 08:04

He's in an opposite time zone so I haven't spoken to him about it yet. To be honest, complaining to him will be more trouble than it's worth, as he gets really defensive about his family. In fact, I'm just considering that perhaps that's because he realises that they're a bit rude....

OP posts: