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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So child1 bit child2 ( both age 5/6) hard should kid 1 apologise?

55 replies

Rosa · 17/05/2014 19:08

At a party child opening presents Child 1 wants to see pushes past other children to get closer. Other parents are near and say no don't push to child 1 ( in a nice way like if you all stand back you can all see kind of thing) child 1 then bites hard on arm child 2- who naturally screams. ( there was no pre push shove from child 2 btw)
Parent takes child 2 away to calm down , rub arm etc and child 1 gets taken away by father. Child 1 returns still upset and still crying / shouting . Gets given cake .
Child 2 was not apologised to and parent takes child 2 over to 'make friends' again. Child 1 ignores child 2 and parents make no effort to apologise or speak to child / parent. No eye contact ( 2 parents 1 child )
Talking to the party giver it seems that the child was thought to have an austitic trait - but the parents have decided that this is not true. Whether this is relevant or not I don't know......
However AIBU in thinking this child should have apologised.

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 17/05/2014 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingtins · 17/05/2014 19:13

Of course they should have been made to apologise! If they did that at school they'd be excluded. SN might be a mitigating factor but still wrong and they should be made to say sorry then taken straight home, not given cake FFS!

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2014 19:14

Of course the child should have apologized.

SirChenjin · 17/05/2014 19:19

Yes, the child should have apologised.

I'm not sure why some parents don't make their child apologise in circumstances such as these - are they embarrassed and feel as if their parenting is somehow being called into question?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:19

Ooh contentious.

Was it your child?

lucidlady · 17/05/2014 19:22

My 2 year old bit her 3 year old cousin today. We made her apologise straight away so yes, Child 1 should have apologised.

Original poster
Rosa · 17/05/2014 19:22

Its not just me then. If this child has any kind of SN then i would have thought the parent might have apologised or anything ...Nope nothing. Not a word.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 19:23

Of course the child should apologise. If child doesn't apologise, child should be taken away from the party, and should definitely not be given cake.

The autistic trait is not relevant.

Original poster
Rosa · 17/05/2014 19:25

Yes my child was the one that was bitten. She can be an actress but the yell was massive and the bite mark was obvious. We went to make friends afterwards and nothing was said ..child carried on eating his cake.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:27

If he does have autism..and parents can be in denial.. then, yes , the apology might not have meant much to him but they should have said it to you out of politeness.

However..I would try to forgive and move on because they are probably struggling and dealing with an awful lot of problems.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 17/05/2014 19:27

Yes the biter should've apologised. Sorry for your little one.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:29

The whole thing about AsD is it makes learning social rules harder.

So, yes, they should have said something.

But changing his behaviour is probably a lot more difficult than not giving him cake.

I would be kind and be glad your DD will be ok soon and move on.

Ragwort · 17/05/2014 19:29

Of course the child (and most importantly the parent) should have apologised but perhaps they were embarrassed in a 'party situation' with lots of onlookers. But there is no point seething over it - it happened, move on.

Another child bit my child once, the other mother was so mortified and upset that I ended up consoling her in the end. Grin.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:34

Also, if he had ASD and was already acting like that then maybe shouting or taking cake away would have resulted in huge meltdown, and perhaps they didn't want to spoil party.

Just a thought. Although they should have apologised properly I don't think a thread slagging them off is very nice or healthy really.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:34

And yes my daughter has autism, but she has never hurt anyone, btw.

Ericaequites · 17/05/2014 19:37

Even if the child has ASD, he needs to apologize. If I were child 1's parent, I would have taken him home as a punishment, and bitten him in the car to remind him that such behavior is unacceptable. I know many on MN will disagree, but biting back is the only thing that worked to break me from biting.

Marylou2 · 17/05/2014 19:39

Your poor child, of course they should have made their child apologize. The child may have autism but presumably the parents don't.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:40

Biting a child with aSD would not teach him it is wrong.

It would just hurt his arm. Which is nice.

Biting any child is wrong.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:41

Anyway I will leave everyone to have a good froth over a one off incident involving a family who are probably going through an immensely stressful time.

bakingtins · 17/05/2014 19:44

fanjo how is it contentious? Are you saying there's an argument that pretending it didn't happen was ok???

My child has been the bitee twice - first time by another toddler at a friend's house when he was 2-3. The other mother was so mortified we ended up comforting her (similar to ragwort) Second time at school in YR, so more comparable to the OP's situation, unprovoked bite, huge fuss, other child had behavioural issues and is statemented but was temporarily excluded, her parents called in. The school apologised to us for their safeguarding failure, but not the child's parents several of their other children have been permanently excluded so what's a little bite?

Thankfully neither of mine seem to have had a bitey stage, but I know lots of friends have had bitey toddlers and have had to be hyper vigilant for a while, but none of them have carried on beyond the toddler age and none of their parents would ever pretend it was acceptable behaviour at any stage.

I hope your DC is ok. Flowers

Original poster
Rosa · 17/05/2014 19:45

I'm not slagging them off far from it.. The child did have a massive meltdown even when he was brought back. However when we went over to make friends again I just said " XX has come to make friends if you want to play after you have finished your cake " Mother diddn't say a thing. If they are dealing with it then of course they have my sympathy and to be honest dd who is fine now gets a gold star for even being willing to go back over with me.

I probably won't meet these people again but I was wondering if I was bu in expecting an apology !

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:46

Yes it's a shame for your Dd and I hope she is Ok.

Just I really think they probably are going through a real lot and have sympathy for them too.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:47

And your Dd will be totally fine and sounds like she doesn't face these challenges. So be glad of that.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:48

Bakingtins, my argument is yes they should have apologised but maybe they should be forgiven is all.

Contentious subject is because this will probably resonate with many people here and turn into a bunfight. Sadly.

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 19:48

I'm not sure why you are asking as it's obviously not unreasonable for the child to be expected to apologise. Do you honestly think anyone would think otherwise Confused

If the child has other issues then it's more complicated.

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