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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So child1 bit child2 ( both age 5/6) hard should kid 1 apologise?

55 replies

Rosa · 17/05/2014 19:08

At a party child opening presents Child 1 wants to see pushes past other children to get closer. Other parents are near and say no don't push to child 1 ( in a nice way like if you all stand back you can all see kind of thing) child 1 then bites hard on arm child 2- who naturally screams. ( there was no pre push shove from child 2 btw)
Parent takes child 2 away to calm down , rub arm etc and child 1 gets taken away by father. Child 1 returns still upset and still crying / shouting . Gets given cake .
Child 2 was not apologised to and parent takes child 2 over to 'make friends' again. Child 1 ignores child 2 and parents make no effort to apologise or speak to child / parent. No eye contact ( 2 parents 1 child )
Talking to the party giver it seems that the child was thought to have an austitic trait - but the parents have decided that this is not true. Whether this is relevant or not I don't know......
However AIBU in thinking this child should have apologised.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:48

People can never seem to see both sides of a situation.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:49

Except spa troll just did :)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 19:49

Spam troll. Silly ipad.

basgetti · 17/05/2014 19:55

If I were child 1's parent, I would have taken him home as a punishment, and bitten him in the car to remind him that such behavior is unacceptable.

How would you copying his behaviour teach him that it was unacceptable? Surely you would just lose the moral high ground, and also actually be a bit abusive.

lougle · 17/05/2014 19:56

I think ideally in 99% of cases the child should be made to apologise.

If the child has a condition that makes that very difficult then the parents should apologise in their behalf. I don't actually think the us any good reason why a patent can't say a quick sorry, whatever the needs of the child.

(I have one dd at special school, not a biter, and one dd who I suspect to be in the ASD spectrum, a biter but only to her siblings, mercifully).

nahidontthinkso · 17/05/2014 19:57

My son has ASD and can be quite aggressive. Fair enough he won't always apologise to the other child but i always make sure i apologise for his behaviour and i always reprimand him. It doesn't matter whether or not the child has SN, they still need to know that biting is not ok!

Parents should have apologised or at least checked that child2 was ok.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 17/05/2014 20:00

Did the parents not say "ma dai, sono bambini" as mitigation? Wink

Of course child 1 should have apologised.

But it doesn't surprise me in the slightest he didn't.

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 20:10

On the odd occasions when things like this happened with my ds who has ASD when he was young, I used to make him apologise. He needed to learn that that's what you do when you make a mistake or do something wrong, and the person on the other end deserves the apology.

Unfortunately my ds just doesn't ever feel sorry. Among others, it's just not an emotion he has the capability of feeling. But he is not severely affected by autism, and he will have to life the rest of his life in mainstream society, so I think it's important that he observes social norms because even if he doesn't fully understand it, it will make his future easier for him if he accepts it.

frumpet · 17/05/2014 20:26

I think that 'if' the child is autistic and only 5/6 the parents are probably new to dealing with it , so i would give them a bit of leeway . I do think that teaching the child the correct thing to say in that circumstance regardless of how they actually feel about the situation is probably the right way to go in the future . Then again i know plenty of children who will refuse point blank to say sorry , mine included at times . They are still very young at that age and its a drip drip process .

Have to go and try and remove the splinter from my bottom from sitting on this fence Grin

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 17/05/2014 20:39

It does sound like it would have been quite easy for one of the child's parents to say sorry. Of course today could be a very difficult day for them but it's natural to expect an apology.

zazzie · 17/05/2014 20:43

My son has asd and biting him would not teach him to not bite others. He would not understand the connection and would just be upset that someone had bit him. Ds would become overwhelmed in the situation described and may well try to bite someone which is why I have to watch him like a hawk and be ready to remove him quickly.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 17/05/2014 20:47

I have heard of the bite the biter method to get them to stop biting, it doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 17/05/2014 20:50

Shock anyone would suggest biting the biter!! Or any child for that matter.

sunshinecity17 · 17/05/2014 20:55

I don't really get the point of an apology if it's not meant.Punish the biter certainly but what is the point of a forced apology.How would it benefit your daughter?

cutefluffybunnes · 17/05/2014 20:56

They're not toddlers, where you might well shrug off the biting - at 5/6 Child A should not be biting. That's nasty. If no SN, child should apologise and be removed from party. If child has SN that might prevent that happening, the parents should certainly apologise.

!!Biting the biter!! What a stupid, cruel idea.

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 20:57

The other Mum was probably cross with the OP getting cross with the child rather than being cross with the OP for not offering different foods. Neither the child nor the mother demanded that the OP cater to the child's fussiness. The child wasn't rude and didn't complain, she merely didn't eat what the OP gave her.

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 20:58

Doh wrong thread. Blush Blush

mistlethrush · 17/05/2014 21:01

My 2.5 yo bit his friend at nursery (I think his friend wasn't going down stairs as quickly as DS would have liked) and he was required to apologise (and I did too)

sunshinecity17 · 17/05/2014 21:09

children of 5 do sometimes bite still and certainly (at my school anyway aren't excluded)

MoominAndMiniMoom · 17/05/2014 21:53

If there is SN, if the parents can't encourage the child to apologise, they should definitely have apologised themselves. As others have said, they may be struggling to adjust - but 'sorry' takes a second to say, and is just common sense and courtesy. It may not have benefited the OP's DD, but it sets a good example to both children about apologising for something that has happened.

Obviously if there isn't SN, the child clearly isn't being disciplined, and the parents are totally, inexcusably rude for not either a) making the child apologise, or b) apologising on his behalf. I still feel they're rude for not apologising anyway, but I think if you're never going to see them again and your DD is ok, this is one to step away from - and maybe use as an example to her of the importance of a) not biting and b) apologising if you've done something wrong.

I think the fence has just broken, I'm sitting on it so hard.

realitygone · 17/05/2014 22:39

Ffs, some ridiculous replies here.

If a child bites another child there should be an apology.

I have worked with children who has autism, adhd, asd and I have never come across a parent who would let their child bite another, not apologise on the child's behalf and then let them eat cake!!

They would take the child away for a time out, and until there was an appropriate hug / smile or sorry they wouldn't return to the party.

Encouraging inclusiveness for all children is important, but others cannot be used as punching bags as a result of that.

realitygone · 17/05/2014 22:39

Have not has..

realitygone · 17/05/2014 22:40

Yanbu by the way op.

MyBaby1day · 18/05/2014 04:01

Of course he should, (s)he would be made to if this was mine. Violence is unacceptable and will get this child nowhere. I'de have even warned after the apology anymore and (s)he would be taken back home.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2014 05:03

Realitygone calm down. Not one person has said they shouldn't have apologised.