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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to change the locks???

45 replies

JSG07 · 17/05/2014 17:20

I genuinely do not have a clue whether I am BU here or not.

Ex-H and I separated 18m ago and he moved out. I have stayed in the former marital home (jointly owned, with mortgage) with our 2 DDs, 12 and 7.
Anyone who has been through separation or divorce will know what a shitty thing it is and how hard on all the parties involved. Hence I didn't think for quite a few months to ask for his key back. When I finally did a few months ago he initially refused and then later said yes, ok, as long as I made sure he had access if he needed it to get DDs stuff, etc. (this has happened once or twice).

Since then things have deteriorated between us and we are barely on speaking terms. This is mainly due to his atrocious behaviour which is having a really bad emotional impact upon DDs. He thinks nothing of speaking badly to me in front of anyone, inc. DC and is often threatening me with various things if I don't give him exactly what he wants. He seems unbalanced and unstable to me now, and has always lacked emotional control. That said, there's two sides to every story and I am more than certain that I have played my own role in it too.

Anyway, he is totally refusing to hand the key back now. When he dropped DD2 off yesterday he said (nastily) "No, you're not having it. You live in MY house and you'd do well to remember that." (veiled threat). Also totally untrue as we are both named on the deeds and mortgage. He has paid the mortgage since we got it - he works full-time and during our marriage I was a SAHM by mutual agreement. Our divorce isn't finalised yet but I am now working, although not in a position to support us without his financial input.

I am genuinely uncomfortable that he still has a key and can have access at any point. He can be nasty and threatening but it's more the fact that I feel this is my home now and I don't want him in it. He has a new g/f of a year and he lives with her and they are planning to buy a house together so it's not as if he doesn't have a home elsewhere. This is v much mine and the girls' home and I don't want him able to have access. My current plan is to change the locks next week so he CAN'T have access - but this is very much a last resort for me. I have tried desperately to maintain a decent relationship with him since the split for the sake of the DC, but he's not able to do so yet (still, hurt and angry because it was me who initiated the separation). Now DD2 especially is suffering and I am desperate to remove as much control as possible from him that he holds over my life.

I hope that all makes sense! I don't think I've explained it v well. AIBU?????

OP posts:

TweedleDi · 17/05/2014 17:33

What is the proposed divorce settlement?

oldgrandmama · 17/05/2014 17:37

Gosh, that's a horrible situation, OP. Could you ask your solicitor what the position is about changing locks? I'm sure other MNs will have more useful advice - also, I believe there's a legal thread here that you might join (don't know where it is to give you the link - other MNs please do this for OP?

Joules68 · 17/05/2014 17:38

Legally you can't change the locks, but please be carefull you don't 'lose' your keys necessitating a change of locks!

gobbynorthernbird · 17/05/2014 17:39

YANBU. Get it done.

Greenkit · 17/05/2014 17:41

But it is still his house (jointly owned) and he could move back in if he wished...I believe

mineofuselessinformation · 17/05/2014 17:44

You only need to change one (lost key as suggested), then leave keys on the inside of all other doors.

wyrdyBird · 17/05/2014 17:49

well...reasonable and legal might not be the same thing.

Whilst I might speculate on changing the locks due to losing my keys.... and let him argue it out later....this is a public forum, and you should get proper legal advice.

Please don't assume you have necessarily 'played your role', if he is being aggressive and controlling towards you. It's not your responsibility if someone is bullying and threatening you - which he is.

I wouldn't assume he is hurt and angry, either: after all, he has a new relationship, and his life is looking good. His aggression may just be about you not toeing the line. It sounds as if he really can't handle that.

It's a shame he's decided to prioritise his anger over your DD's comfort.

Lonecatwithkitten · 17/05/2014 17:55

Okay the legal advice I had in the same situation is that you can not change the locks, but as a woman alone it would not be unreasonable to add a bolt to the door to improve security.
The faster you get the financial consent order in the divorce the sooner you can prevent access.

SuperSophie · 17/05/2014 18:42

I have a feeling that changing the locks might make things worse than they already are.

He's probably content with having a usable key without ever using it but, if you render his key unusable, he has every right to break into the house as he's as much the owner as you are.

A court order would stop him, of course, but do you really want all that hassle and increased ill-feeling?

AElfgifu · 18/05/2014 06:42

A friend of mine once found the locks changed on a house she jointly owned. She was advised to break the door down, which she did, with some help from another friend in a forklift truck. The police were called when a neighbour saw what was happening, but once they had ascertained that it was partly her door, they agreed that what she was doing was completely legal, and left her to it.

I sympathise with you, but please just be aware of this.

matildasquared · 18/05/2014 06:57

I agree with the others: legal advice before you go changing the locks.

In the meantime, you know better than us whether he's capable of coming in and messing about. If it were me, I'd consider installing a nanny-cam around the doors, at least to give you a sense of security/control over your space.

ocelot41 · 18/05/2014 07:34

How about installing a security chain internally?

hebe242 · 18/05/2014 07:36

My situation was exactly the same as yours about 2 years ago. I totally sympathise. However I was told by my solicitor you can't change the locks. You need to finalise your consent order for your divorce. Even if you are not divorced it'll give you more rights. You will not have to manage without his financial input he will have to pay his way. Probably not what you want to hear but I was unable to keep our home and it broke my heart initially but even though I live in a smaller property I now feel so much safer and happier knowing he has less control. It may be better in the long term. X

canyou · 18/05/2014 08:25

Does he only have a front door key and can you access the back door from q side/ back enterence? If so I would leave a key in the front door avd use the back door ,

Preciousbane · 18/05/2014 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aturtlenamedmack · 18/05/2014 08:43

I'd get them changed (lost key) and not mention it. He may not ever attempt to use his key, just likes to have it over you.
If he does find out, you do risk making the situation worse, or him breaking down the door. You need to weigh up whether its worth the risk.

Original poster

JSG07 · 18/05/2014 09:04

Hmm. Thank you for the replies.
I guess I'm not entitled to change the locks then :(
I can't put a bolt on the door because of the type of front door it is, and also this wouldn't prevent him coming in when I'm out. I should add that he uses his key to gain access whenever he sees fit. There's not a jot of respect there at all.
Surely there must be something I can do??

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 18/05/2014 10:12

You CAN change the locks but as it is jointly his property, he is legally entitled to break in and the police cannot intervene, nor can he be charged with criminal damage (to his own property). I used to work in domestic abuse support and would generally advise service users in a similar situation to lose their keys to the front door, necessitating a lock change, and install bolts on the inside of all other doors.

Hopefully this will be enough to help you feel safe. A lot if men might chance their arm in entering with a key but wouldn't break in, IYSWIM. If he makes any specific threats about entering your home, you can ask your solicitor to apply for an Occupation Order which is a short term measure that legally prevents him from entering the property until things are settled as part of your divorce.

wheresthelight · 18/05/2014 10:22

As others have said the legal position is you cannot change the locks and if you play the "lost key" card you have to provide homnwith a new key as he jointly owns the property. my exh tries to change the locks regularly on the house he lives in which I am still named on and I was instructed by both my solicitor and his what the law stated. An occupation order is your only option I am afraid and reporting his threats veiled or otherwise to the police as you could then get a harassment order that prevents him coming to the house

SuperSophie · 18/05/2014 10:49

"Surely there must be something I can do??"

I'm sympathetic to your situation but, if we look at that situation impartially, we have to admit that your husband has every right to access his own property whenever he pleases.

If you attempt in any way to prevent him from doing so, he's entitled to smash doors and windows into smithereens in order to regain his rightful access - in the same way that you yourself probably would if you arrived home one day to find your husband had changed the locks on your house and gone off to Spain for a month's holiday.

The only thing that will (legally) keep him off your property is a court order forbidding him to access the property but that is unlikely to granted unless you can show that he's been violent towards you or that he's made threats of violence.

His simply being a pain in your ass is not sufficient reason in law to deny him access to his own property.

My advice? Be as nice as you can be to him and don't do anything to make him be more of a pain than he already is.

Pumpkinpositive · 18/05/2014 12:26

Is the long term plan to buy him out or downsize, OP?

TweedleDi · 18/05/2014 12:43

Is the house part of the proposed divorce settlement?

Original poster

JSG07 · 18/05/2014 13:01

The house issue is a complicated one. I can't really go into it without outing myself but the long term plan is to for us to stay here for another year and then move. This house will probably be kept as a rental property.
The divorce is on hold for the moment as neither of us can afford the legal bills.

I do understand the comments about this being his house and therefore he has a right of entry, but what is correct legally and morally are two different things. If the situation were reversed then I would have no hesitation in handing the key back. My view here is that he is simply trying to retain control over me to some degree. It's very passive-aggressive.
However it would appear that the law doesn't provide an easy option. Which I can understand, it's there to protect rights as well rather than just enforce them. What I'd like to make clear is that this is 'his' house in name only and it's my HOME. He lives elsewhere, has done for 18m and due to his behaviour I no longer permit him to collect or drop off the dc at the house. So if I changed the lock it would have absolutely no impact on him.

OP posts:

wyrdyBird · 18/05/2014 13:16

I'd agree that what is correct legally and morally are two different things. I'm also sure you're right that his gaining access is not just about what's reasonable or right, considering his joint ownership - it's about trying to control you and invade your privacy.

Your relationship is over, he doesn't live there, and he doesn't need to be there. It's not the same, morally, as locking him out of the place where he lives.

However, the law says you are stuck.

What about a couple of locks on internal doors. Just to maintain some privacy. Of course he can break those too. Would he bother though?

WelshMaenad · 18/05/2014 13:43

He would have to take you to court to force you to hand over a key. But he's skint? Sucks to be him if you lose your keys, eh?

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