AIBU to change the locks???

[JSG07]

I genuinely do not have a clue whether I am BU here or not.

Ex-H and I separated 18m ago and he moved out. I have stayed in the former marital home (jointly owned, with mortgage) with our 2 DDs, 12 and 7.
Anyone who has been through separation or divorce will know what a shitty thing it is and how hard on all the parties involved. Hence I didn't think for quite a few months to ask for his key back. When I finally did a few months ago he initially refused and then later said yes, ok, as long as I made sure he had access if he needed it to get DDs stuff, etc. (this has happened once or twice).

Since then things have deteriorated between us and we are barely on speaking terms. This is mainly due to his atrocious behaviour which is having a really bad emotional impact upon DDs. He thinks nothing of speaking badly to me in front of anyone, inc. DC and is often threatening me with various things if I don't give him exactly what he wants. He seems unbalanced and unstable to me now, and has always lacked emotional control. That said, there's two sides to every story and I am more than certain that I have played my own role in it too.

Anyway, he is totally refusing to hand the key back now. When he dropped DD2 off yesterday he said (nastily) "No, you're not having it. You live in MY house and you'd do well to remember that." (veiled threat). Also totally untrue as we are both named on the deeds and mortgage. He has paid the mortgage since we got it - he works full-time and during our marriage I was a SAHM by mutual agreement. Our divorce isn't finalised yet but I am now working, although not in a position to support us without his financial input.

I am genuinely uncomfortable that he still has a key and can have access at any point. He can be nasty and threatening but it's more the fact that I feel this is my home now and I don't want him in it. He has a new g/f of a year and he lives with her and they are planning to buy a house together so it's not as if he doesn't have a home elsewhere. This is v much mine and the girls' home and I don't want him able to have access. My current plan is to change the locks next week so he CAN'T have access - but this is very much a last resort for me. I have tried desperately to maintain a decent relationship with him since the split for the sake of the DC, but he's not able to do so yet (still, hurt and angry because it was me who initiated the separation). Now DD2 especially is suffering and I am desperate to remove as much control as possible from him that he holds over my life.

I hope that all makes sense! I don't think I've explained it v well. AIBU?????

I would either sell up and move or try and live with the situation. He is paying the mortgage on it? I'm sorry, it would be legally and ethically wrong to change the locks.

Yes he's paying the mortgage - we were married for ten years so he has legal obligations to fulfil.
Legally I know I'm not entitled to change the locks but ethically I believe that I am firmly within my rights to do it.

But then you out yourself in the position of him breaking down a door to gain entry and then where does that leave you?

He has right of access and the courts will look very dimly on yiu for changing the locks should it get to them.

Ethically he should ask when it is convenient but there is nothing that says he has to.

I think (almost) everyone who reads this thread will sympathise with your situation and (almost) nobody who reads this thread will fail to understand why this whole situation is upsetting you.

If you want sympathy, you've got it.

If you want legal advice, you may NOT restrict his access to the property (inside the house or out) in any way, shape or form unless that restriction is backed up by a court order.

If you want practical advice, I'll repeat myself again - do as much as you can to be reasonable him and hope that makes him want to be reasonable with you in return. One thing is for sure: if he decides to make your life Hell, he can do so very easily indeed and then things will get a whole lot worse before they get even a little bit better.

He should ask before entering the house, deffo, that would be the right thing to do. What a tosser!

But he doesn't have to. And legally you can't change the locks. And 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I have sympathy for you, I would hate to live like that! But if you changed the locks, you would be in the wrong, not him.

That's why I think it's better to cut him out of your lives, get a clean break, sell up and take your half of the house.

It sounds as though he may be getting resentful having to pay your mortgage on top of his other life living costs.

Good luck OP.

I would be tempted to force the sale of the house instead of renting it out. He still has too much control. Can you buy him out?

Right...I would ask a locksmith to put an additional 'security lock' at the top of the door. You could lock this when you are out and just leave yourself the option of locking it at other times.

Have you had any legal advice at all?

"Have you had any legal advice at all?"

Yes, she's had plenty of very sound legal advice on this thread.

She can change as many locks as she wants. She can add as many locks or other security devices as she wants BUT her husband is then fully entitled to smash his way into the house at any hour of the day or night.

From a legal perspective, it's HIS house as much as it is hers.

Legal advice on Internet forums is usually over-simplified and often just plain wrong but on this occasion it's entirely accurate.

That wasn't my point, sorry it was unclear.

OP, many solicitors offer a free half hour initial consultation. Leaving aside your current situation about the key, have you been able to get any legal advice about the implications of your proposed housing strategy?

Hi, am just waiting for the Decree N, but he will not discuss childcare arrangements or financial arrangements. Just says the house will be sold and that I will not get a penny from him as apparently I have inheritance. I don't have this. unfortunately my father passed last year in Egypt, and was in a great deal of debt, if I had inheritance I would not be living stuck in the same house with this abusive pig!
So the situation now is; he gives me £130 per week to cover and anything and everything we need re food and fuel for the car. He pays my gym membership which he is cancelling next month, cancelling the kids swimming lessons and their membership, doesn't buy the things they need, just what he wants. I have just started uni so am using my student loan for the day to day but that's 8k for the whole year! If I need things like clothes etc he says I should find a rich boyfriend or get a job, while he spends hundreds on trainers and going out with his mates. He also won't move out of the house and is verbally abusing me infront of the kids, being absolutely vile, and disgusting saying ' dont marry someone like her, she is useless and earns no money".
I dont have a lawyer as we only have around 300k assets, and his salary is 65k..... I have been told that he won't be expected to pay me spousal maintenance as I am 34, so can be expected to go back to work full time ( kids aged 5 and 8). My uni degree is 4 years long and its very intensive. I will not be able to work and study and give the children the time they deserve. I get the student loan and perhaps childcare ( but only when he is not living with me). He has stayed in the house to prevent me from claiming other benefits.... He also says I can't move closer to uni as he will decide where I live, but its taking me 100 minutes each way, so I am loosing time with the boys, and late for lectures as cant get there on time after I drop them at their school.

I am struggling to work out costs for kids clothing, costs for the bills of the house ( he pays and won't give me details), insurances etc.

Has anyone been through this that has a reasonable form E filled in that they would be wiling to send me as a reference. We live in Maidenhead, so if anyone is in this area in a 4 bed house that could send me anything helpful I would be so greatful. Just trying to keep my head above water, and hold it together for the sake of my little kids and trying to get my degree so I can have a job that is enough to support us.... any help really appreciated.

My wife came to me to ask me to seek divorce which i did. but when i found out that she was not truthful i withdrew the divorce not knowing that she has replied to accept it.
i travelled and she quickly went to seek a non-molestation order with lies. The court granted it and asked for my response which i did but a date and not been fixed to hear my response.
However, by the time i returned from my trip, i got a letter from a solicitor stating that she want a divorce and she wants me to pay the cost and she wants financial support and everything imaginable.
she lives with our children in our matrimonial home while i have to look for somewhere else to live because i do not want to violate the court order until it is vacated. She lied all through in her supporting statement for the molestation application. Now i am waiting for supporting document for the divorce
i pay the mortgage and support the house always.

@JSG07

Yes he's paying the mortgage - we were married for ten years so he has legal obligations to fulfil. Legally I know I'm not entitled to change the locks but ethically I believe that I am firmly within my rights to do it.

There is no point focusing on what is ethical or moral, only legal matters. Unless you have grounds for an injunction, he is just as entitled (legally) to be in the house as you are. You can change legally the locks, but so can he if he finds himself locked out. So I wouldn’t waste your money on it. The best thing to do is to ensure the divorce and settlement process proceeds as quickly as possible.

Get a motion activated camera. I got one and I had to use Youtube videos to work out how to set it up. I only needed it for pets.
You can set the alarms to your phone and keep recordings. Only costs a few pounds. They are super quiet even when the camera is moving to track cat/person. Not big either. Set it up on a bookcase by a plant to disguise it.

Very useful.

OP there is only so much shit you can put up with. No you are legally not allowed to change the locks to prevent him having access but your insurance company would not be impressed if you lost your keys and didn't change them!

I changed the locks after months of coming home to find signs he'd let himself in, just to let me know he could. I told the solicitor I'd changed the locks and nothing happened. Be aware that he could try to break in and this is not an offence if you are the home owner.

If he's not trying to let himself in when the house is empty he'll never know.

put a chain on the door - you are alone and it is something the police advise for security. At least then he can't come in when you are there. I also suggest putting any valuables in a safe (jewellery etc) in case he tries to come in when you are not there.

ZOMBIE THREAD

But I would be interested to see what happened in the end @JSG07 . Did your divorce go through? I hope you're currently living a happy life without him!

If it seems the possibility of domestic violence, coercive control or abuse, I would think it OK. Though I suggest getting advice on this.

You're not meant to but if there has been any domestic abuse its easy to get court order preventing him. I did. Police changed the locks for me free of charge.

Old thread!! It’s probably no longer an issue...

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️