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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU not to invite this friend to my house again?

37 replies

Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 13:49

I've known this friend since school. She's a nice person and I care about her but the problem is that she is a heavy drinker and it's hard to interest her in activities that don't involve drinking. I've tried inviting her to the cinema and she isn't interested. She prefers clubbing but I don't drink and only occasionally go clubbing nowadays, I feel like I've outgrown it TBH. When I invite her around to mine she usually gets drunk. I can't limit her drinking by limiting the amount of alcohol in the house, she'll just go out and buy more. A couple of months ago I invited her over for Sunday dinner, which isn't a big drinking occasion so I just provided a bottle of wine and some beer. She got through that without much help then went to the local shop to buy more!

Last night things came to a head when I had a party and invited her, things were going well until she got really drunk and upset. She has a very difficult situation with her housemate at the moment and everyone is sympathetic but she got upset about that and brought up a situation that happened months ago involving an altercation with this housemate and had a go at another friend for not standing up for her at the time. It was out of the blue and he was very upset when she called him “pathetic”, so it escalated into an argument. She also had a dig at her sister, who is going through a difficult breakup at the moment, calling her a “fucking parasite”. She's not like this normally, just when she's drunk.

It didn't really spoil the night, because it was in the wee small hours, the party was winding down anyway and some people had already left but it definitely soured the atmosphere. One thing that really annoyed me was when we were trying to be sympathetic she said we are all “sheltered” and can't understand what she is going through. That pissed me right off, we all have problems, we just don't all get drunk and cry about them at parties! I'm quite a positive person, not because I'm Pollyanna and my life is perfect but because I would get very depressed if I dwelled on the negatives, so I try not to. This reminds me of school, when we were both going through fairly severe depression but because I don't talk about my problems as much as her she assumed I didn't have any. (I felt like I couldn't get a word in edgeways TBH!)

Today she's posted a sort of apology on Facebook, saying she got a bit “narky” and blaming PMT. I haven't said anything because I don't want to add to the drama but I am considering not inviting her to future events because I don't want to be stressed and upset in my own home. However I don't want to hurt her feelings by excluding her and it would be awkward because we have mutual friends and I'm friends with her sister. I can't really confront her about her drinking because she gets upset. One of the things she was saying last night was that she feels like everyone is judging her so that would make things worse. I'm just really at the end of my tether. What should I do?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 17/05/2014 13:53

I'd drop her like a hot potato.

I've had alcoholic/alcohol abusing friends. They wear you down and suck the life out of you.

One in particular turned into a real nasty piece of work after a few drinks.

Never again.

Harsh. But sometimes you need to put yourself first.

Flowers
CoffeeTea103 · 17/05/2014 13:56

Her behaviour sounds like it causes an awkward atmosphere for everyone. If you feel that you cannot approach her about this then the next best thing is just to not invite her.
Nobody likes being around someone who can't control themselves when they drink. She needs help, but unless she's willing to face up to it this is probably what to expect from her.

PeachyParisian · 17/05/2014 14:00

YANBU, she sound like hard work without putting anything back into the friendship.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 14:25

She's just messaged me on Facebook to apologise but hasn't addressed the key issue, she's blaming stress rather than the alcohol. I'm not sure what to say, I want to express concern and suggest she cuts down without sounding judgemental.

Incidentally I hate the stupid facebook feature that tells people you've seen their message so you can't ignore them take time to think of a reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 14:28

Apparently everything is fine with her sister and the other friend now, which makes me feel like I am BU to still be upset. Arrggh!

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 17/05/2014 14:29

Just say you are busy and not ignoring her but will send her a proper reply later.

Greyhound · 17/05/2014 14:47

I would drop her, tbh. She is clearly in denial about how serious her drinking is and how it affects her behaviour.

I've known two women like this. The first was a flatmate who got drunk regularly and often at inappropriate times. For example, we would arrange to meet at the cinema and she would turn up drunk. She was a pretty unpleasant, nasty drunk as well and ended up losing a lot of friends, including me.

The other woman was in a circle of friends I had in my 20s. She would come home every day after work and drink until she was on the point of passing out. At weekends, she was basically drunk continuously. She was horrible when drunk and said very cruel things to people. For example, she told one of my friends that I didn't really like him and also announced, to a room full of people that my boyfriend had once got her pregnant and she had aborted it (to my bf's knowledge, this was not true). Eventually, I just stopped accepting or offering invitations and it was a great relief.

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 14:58

I wouldn't invite her either. People make light of this type of thing but I would hate it if I were another guest.

She sounds awful.

quietbatperson · 17/05/2014 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2014 15:52

First it was "PMT" then it was "stress", who the hell knows what feeble excuse it will be next. She's a piss-artist and that's all there is to it.

You can either be brutally honest with her or avoid her. I'd recommend the brutally honest bit and then do the avoiding.

kickassangel · 17/05/2014 15:59

Have you tried addressing the alcohol problems with her? If you feel like you want to cool the relationship anyway, then you won't be risking much by raising this. It does sound like she drinks far too much and isn't admitting it.

I would give it one go of saying to her that her drinking is a problem and you only want to see her again if it's a non drinking event. If that means you don't see her again then she may 'need' to bottom out before she'll deal with it, and losing invites to social events may help her realize this.

Mintyy · 17/05/2014 15:59

"Thanks for the message. I was a bit upset that you made a scene at my party, its true, so the apology does help. Lets go out for a coffee or something non-alchoholic soon!! x"

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2014 16:00

"I can't really confront her about her drinking because she gets upset."
And why is her being upset more important than you being upset?

"She's just messaged me on Facebook to apologise but hasn't addressed the key issue, she's blaming stress rather than the alcohol. I'm not sure what to say, I want to express concern and suggest she cuts down without sounding judgemental."
Why do you think you are not entitled to be judgemental? You are! And frankly it is not in HER best interests for everyone to go along with her denial. Personally, I would respond with something along the lines of "It's not the stress that's your problem, it's your drinking." She's not going to change if everyone pretends she doesn't have to, and while not mentioning the elephant in the room may keep the peace until the next time in the long term it's a mistake.

restandpeace · 17/05/2014 16:05

I would be honest with her, its up to her to change.

HolidayCriminal · 17/05/2014 16:33

She sounds very alcoholic & needs someone to tell her that she is alcoholic in supportive but rather blunt terms.

HolidayCriminal · 17/05/2014 16:34

ps: a good friend would tell her that she is alcoholic, don't perpetuate the denial.

LegoSuperstar · 17/05/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 16:52

Yanbu don't invite her, she sounds awful!

MaryWestmacott · 17/05/2014 16:54

I'd be honest, she's not a nice drunk and she's always drunk.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 17/05/2014 17:01

I agree. I think you have to be kind but blunt. It will happen again and again.

Sandthorn · 17/05/2014 17:11

You can be kind about it, but I think you need to make it clear that you don't want to spend time with her when she's boozing. Tell her it exacerbates stress. Give her some examples of different stuff you might do together (I know you already have). But then the decision is hers, not yours... She can either hang out with you booze-free or not at all.

MexicanSpringtime · 17/05/2014 18:25

Yes, I second the idea, that even if she takes it badly, you owe it to her (because of the years of friendship) to tell her the truth.

I had a lovely neighbour who was an alcoholic and would come and telling me he was drinking because of something his ex had said or some such excuse and I never let him get away with it. Now he has been twenty years in AA and I like to think that I helped him get there.

CarbeDiem · 17/05/2014 18:51

I'd feel the same as you tbh so yanbu.

I'd reply by telling her that I was pissed off about the party/the sunday lunch/other times and say I was concerned about her drinking.
She may not want to hear it but why should you pussyfoot around her feelings when YOU are pissed off and upset too.
I'd tell her that her behaviour is seriously threatening further invites to parties etc... and that I really didn't want it to come that.
Good luck

oldgrandmama · 17/05/2014 18:53

Sorry to be harsh, but she's probably a lost cause, for now, so far as you're concerned. I assume she's bright enough to know she has a big problem. It's not YOUR problem and you really don't need to keep putting up with her drunken and embarrassing behaviour. You could either just stop any contact, or, being a nice, charitable, caring friend, tell her she really has to sort herself out, and WHEN SHE DOES, you'll be there for her. But you can't sort her out, can you? She has to do it and there's plenty of help out there.

Like I said - I'm being harsh, but you really can't take on her problems, OP. Only she can tackle them.

Susyb30 · 17/05/2014 18:59

Your friend obviously has a drink problem, but I couldn't turn my back on her. Help is what she needs, sounds like she's in a lot of pain and drinking is her way of blocking things out. The fact that she said you were all "sheltered" and dont understand what she's going through sounds like she feels isolated and angry about her situation. Do you have any idea what's behind her drinking? People who lash out like that when drunk arent just "piss artists" but people who are using drink to numb their pain. I feel sorry for her and as I said before wouldn't just give up on her. I too have a friend who has been sober now for 5 years..went through hell when her son died..turned to drink and turned into someone who would drink at every opportunity, shout abuse at friends and put herself and everyone who loved her through hell. One day realised she had to get help and went to an alcohol support group. Your friend has to realise this..nobody can do that for her! Talking about how she's feeling would help too. She must be embarrassed about the way she has behaved or she wouldn't be apologising. Good luck :-)