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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this rude (sorry PIL related)

30 replies

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 16/05/2014 07:34

PIL sold their house a while ago and now tend to move round lots of holiday lets. 6 months in the sun, a few months exploring elsewhere in Europe etc. all on a shoestring as they are pretty skint.

They have stored all their stuff at ours, which we said was ok (but didn't know quite how much there would be). So it is their base when in the UK. They are registered at ours for Dr and all post etc.

This does irk me a bit to be honest. They are quite volatile and went from not speaking to us for a year, to being ok again when we announced I was pregnant. Then staying with us for 3 months after she was born. Not to help or anything. Just to see her and enjoy a summer in the UK.

Anyway we just got a text to say 'we are going away from the end of June to early next year. We will have a couple of weeks staying with you before we go'. They arrive 2nd June so even though they also mention visiting DGMIL they are basically coming for 3-4 weeks.

AIBU to think this is a bit of a rude way to go about it?

No, 'can we stay with you before we go', or 'is that ok'? Just 'we'll be staying with you for a couple of weeks' by which they mean close to a month.

OP posts:

Famzilla · 16/05/2014 07:36

"Sorry, that does not work for us. Here's a list of nearby hotels."

Original poster

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 16/05/2014 07:36

This is a serious question as I may just be being overly sensitive. A month at Christmas drove me round the bend so I'm a bit negative about this stuff.

OP posts:

Oddthomas · 16/05/2014 07:40

What Famzilla said. Or get your DH to deal with it all.

calzone · 16/05/2014 07:43

Sorry. That will just not work for us as

My family are here

We are decorating.

Building works are happening.

Just No

What does DH say?

Birdsgottafly · 16/05/2014 07:43

Are you sure that your DP hasn't given them the impression that your house is their UK base, so they don't have to count staying with you both as a favour?

How you handle this depends in how your DP feels.

If he agrees with you, then it is worth risking the fallout.

If he is happy for his Parents to behave like this, then he takes the strain, whilst they are with you.

If it was my Mum in this situation, she would be welcome and not have to announce her visits.

NotYouNaanBread · 16/05/2014 07:47

"That's brilliant - can't wait to see you. There isn't enough room here for that long, so would you like me to find an airbnb or short term let for you? What date are you arriving?"

mimishimmi · 16/05/2014 07:53

Hmmm.... I wonder whom they expect will take on end-of-life care for DGMIL. Not themselves I'm sure. And then when it's their turn, will they have used up all the savings fromthe house that could have been used for care and expect to move in with you too?

Only1scoop · 16/05/2014 07:57

Oooo no chance

Can't bare houseguests for more than two nights don't care who it is.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2014 08:02

They sound like spendthrift freeloaders, if they're retired ad pissing their (not very big by the sound of it) nest egg up te wall long before ageing care related needs are even on the horizon. I think this is a deeper issue you need to tackle with your DH - do the two of you want to be enabl

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2014 08:05

Posted too soon

...enabling this lifestyle indefinitely at some inconvenience to yourselves? Perhaps it's time to ask them gently when they are planing to settle again as you need the space back and their clutter needs to move.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2014 08:09

In a nutshell I don't think this is sustainable. If they want a 'gap yah' or two that's maybe OK, subject to your consent. But expecting to be able to rely on you for intermittent free accommodation and admin support whenever they fancy it for the rest of eternity while they ponce about Europe with the money they save on housing by sponging off you is not OK.

How does your DH feel about it?

Kundry · 16/05/2014 08:12

Out of the country for 6 months means should be registered for healthcare wherever they are staying, not registered with a GP here. They have lost their entitlement to NHS care and are playing the system. Where are they going to live when one of them is ill and they rock up back at yours without a bean to their names? (Have recently experienced this at work - very sick person not entitled to any benefits for months as he had been out of the UK, he and family v shocked as they thought this only applied to Romanian benefit tourists)

Back to the main problem: You think they are storing their stuff at yours but live elsewhere and come back occasionally as guests. They (and I suspect your DP) think they live at yours when they are in the UK.

You and your DP need a serious talk.

Original poster

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 16/05/2014 08:31

The back end of this year will be the first time I think they will have been out for 6 months. Usually they come back for a week or something. By Jan though they will be skating close to the wind on this I agree.

DGMIL has a huge family so no panic there.

We all worry about what happens later in life and believe me we have tried asking for longer term plans but it just causes meltdown as it stresses them (mil) out too much.

The long trip is to see SIL who was the previous recipient of this behaviour and has moved as far away as possible.

DP agrees with me in the main but is an appeaser and the prospect of 6 months when they aren't around is the light at the end of the tunnel that makes him ok to just put up with it for now.

They know we have space but I don't see how we can lie about having stuff on. They would stay nearby so we would have to materialise any visitors claimed. And that kind of defeats the object of having the house to ourselves!

Thanks for confirming I'm not being funny about this. I think we ride it out this time safe in the knowledge there won't be another time until jan.

OP posts:

DowntonTrout · 16/05/2014 08:35

Having just had a thread about my PIL staying, I can sympathise. Mine didn't sell their house, they rent it out and live abroad. They did store all their stuff here for 5 years then DH got rid of it all.

I only had to put them up for a week. It was way long enough. I don't do breakfast or lunches, I show them the kettle when they arrive and the fridge, and they sort themselves out. ( even that turned out to be a mistake but that's another thread.)

Are you and your DH on the same page about feeling put upon? You don't say how old they are but are they expecting your house to be their home in later life? If something happens will one of them be expecting to come back and live with you? Whilst they are here can you get them to sort through their stuff and get rid of most of it? Say you need the space for a playroom/office whatever. If they don't want to get rid of it say " that's fine, it will have to go into storage then, shall if help you find somewhere?" Go out as much as you can, I felt that I never had my own space, especially in the evenings. All of us sitting there, no privacy. It drives me mad.

Original poster

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 16/05/2014 08:40

The stuff is mostly in the cellar and stored in cupboards. They do sort it.

I am making a concerted effort to highlight that it is our space by moving what they have left in wardrobes into storage (over wardrobes etc) this will make it a hassle for them to access it all when they are here but I think makes a point.

I could fill 3 threads with the annoying stuff when they stay but will spare you that rant!

OP posts:

DowntonTrout · 16/05/2014 08:45

Oh X posts.

They were silly to sell their house. They will never have somewhere to come back to. It is impossible to get back on the housing ladder once you have eaten into your capital. MIL mentioned they were thinking of selling again to buy somewhere abroad as when they're renting "it doesn't feel like home".

I think it sounds like you will have to put up with them this time but you and DH really need to sit down and talk about how long you allow this to go on for and what happens and what you are prepared to put up with in the future. Then you need to be clear with PIL about your expectations. So what if it causes a row and them not speaking to you for 6 months? They need you more than you need them. You have the upper hand here.

wishingonastar123 · 16/05/2014 08:54

YADNBU. They sound incredibly rude! They seriously need to learn some manners and respect. It isn't even giving you much warning either is it?
I'd definitely make up an excuse but try to be as honest as possible, lies are horrible as you end up having to tell more lies to cover them up.
So I'd be tempted to say something on the lines of "looking forward to seeing you but I'm really sorry we feel a month is too long, we can offer you somewhere to stay for a week".

Dubjackeen · 16/05/2014 10:27

Oh dear. This needs to be sorted sooner rather than later. What happens when their money runs out? Or when they get a bit older, and maybe are unable to travel, or need health care or whatever?
I remember a similar thread where PILs were taking over part of a family member's home, when it suited them, in between their travels. Sounds like you could be facing the same situation.

YANBU.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 16/05/2014 10:32

No no no no no! Put a stop to this immediately and do not give them an inch leeway. "I'm afraid we can't put you up, but here's a list of great B&B's many of which would do a deal on a longer stay I'm sure. Good luck"

CrapBag · 16/05/2014 10:35

You need to tell them that you want your house back and give them the numbers of some storage firms. If they don't like it, tough shit, they shouldn't have sold their house thinking you will keep all of their stuff indefinitely and can come and go as they please.

Their message shows that they think they can do as they like. Your DH needs to stop pleasing them and tell them that it isn't possible for them to stay with you (and you don't have to give a reason, it is not their home) and you cannot accommodate their stuff anymore.

They are piss takers. And they know it by refusing to answer questions about their intentions in the long term. My bet is they think they will stay with you!! Get it sorted now.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 16/05/2014 10:47

Say your planning building work and the builder is booked for that month. Then just blame planning at short notice.

Original poster

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 16/05/2014 11:17

Thanks for the sympathy. It is therapeutic!

They had their stuff in storage but we offered them the space. But there was a bit of a difference in the few boxes and what showed up. They have filled our cellar but we still have space. It would be churlish to deny them that.

I don't mind the space too much, it's more the sense of being able to stay for quite a while at quite short notice.

I genuinely don't think they know they are taking the piss. They have some weird ideas and self justify some odd behaviour. They still aren't speaking to one of their brothers because after he let them live rent free in his cottage and they did some painting and DIY he broached the subject of maybe getting some rent. After over a year of rent free living! Apparently he was being horrible and unreasonable to ask this.

Last time they stayed they got a spare set of keys cut for themselves. Without asking. When I asked MIL for them before they left she said 'we got these cut ourselves'. I said I would happily give her the money for them and thanks for a spare set. She really seemed confused about why she couldn't OWN a set of keys to someone else's house.

Anyway, yes there is a bigger issue but not one for today. And role on the end of June.

OP posts:

PollyS123 · 16/05/2014 13:17

YANBU. This must feel so encroaching for you.

Dubjackeen · 16/05/2014 13:30

Is it SIL they plan on spending six months with?

sezamcgregor · 16/05/2014 13:36

What a great lifestyle they're enjoying!

I would say when they visit that I don't want to cause any stress as I want you to enjoy your time with us, but next time you visit, I will expect some answers.

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