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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him home more often

41 replies

WednesdayRebel · 16/05/2014 04:11

We have a 4 month old daughter (17 weeks today!) who is our first. DH is amazing with her, adores her and is really hands on.

When he's here.

He works really long hours and is gone by 6:15 every morning, usually finishing work between 6pm-6:30, meaning he could be home between 6:30-7pm, coinciding with DD bedtime. But he isn't. This week, for example, went like this:

Monday- home around 7:15pm. He ran home 6 miles (it's only 3 miles between work and home) and sweated around the house 15-20 mins before capable of doing anything else
Tuesday - 8:45pm after work drinks for colleague farewell
Wednesday- 6:30pm
Thursday- 11pmish after work drinks with mate over from NYC. (We had already seen him and his wife on Sat).

Really getting pissed off that I'm on my own with the baby daily from start to finish. So AIBU?

OP posts:

Chottie · 16/05/2014 04:44

No I don't think you are. Can you sit down with DH and talk about this? You are both DDs parents, you need to have a break too. How about DH looking after DD regularly so you can go out and do whatever. Also how about arranging going out together as a family and having some fun?

stopgap · 16/05/2014 05:02

My husband is gone for all but forty minutes per day. He makes our toddler breakfast and reads stories to him, but he is never home for baths due to a long commute. All I can say is that he dedicates every waking minute to me and the children at weekends. Midweek, I rely on my mother in law and a paid sitter to get breaks. It's hard--I know.

paxtecum · 16/05/2014 05:54

Did he do those hours before you had DD?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2014 05:55

Have you pointed out how selfish he's being? Because he is. You have to renegotiate stuff when you become parents , work out what is 'your time' because there is so little of it. In our house DH gets to run home, go to the gym, whatever because it keeps him sane and healthy. Neither of us would go out twice in one week on a jolly without talking to the other one about redressing the balance.

He is treating you a little like the staff ATM.

Brabra · 16/05/2014 06:11

This week is a snapshot. Is it the usual pattern? 8.45 is pretty early for goodbye drinks. Your baby is 4 months old, do you have a good social life?

Brabra · 16/05/2014 06:17

This week is a snapshot. Is it the usual pattern? 8.45 is pretty early for goodbye drinks. Your baby is 4 months old, do you have a good social life?

Brabra · 16/05/2014 06:17

Ooops. Sorry for double post

stolemyusername · 16/05/2014 06:22

Is this a usual week, or is it just that everything seems to have happened this week?

If it's a one off is be inclined to let it go, but if he's out for drinks a few nights each week then yes he needs to consider you and dd more.

MaryWestmacott · 16/05/2014 06:24

What's a normal week like? I would imagine a colleague leaving and and old friend being over from NY are both unusual situations, outside of "special occasion" drinks, how often does he go out? (And are "special occasions happening 2-3 times every week?)

I think a calm discussion, if he normally won't have drinks then perhaps agree one night a week he runs home so is back late, if he's out that week, he sacrifices his exercise after work another night that week and comes home, does bath time, if he wants to go out for a run once your dc is down for the night, that's fine.

Lilaclily · 16/05/2014 06:24

You've only given 4 days & two of those he was home early

How someone can respond that he's treating you like a slave is beyond me

Just tell him Saturday you're going shopping & he'll be in his own with the baby all afternoon

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 16/05/2014 06:54

It sounds like you feel his life hasn't changed much. 17 weeks is quite little and he should still rushing home to take over IMHO. I agree with pp, go out on Saturday and leave him with the baby.

jeanlucpicard · 16/05/2014 07:35

YANBU he needs to sort out his priorities and stop taking his wife for granted. Going out twice or more in a week when you have a small child at home is selfish.

Weathergames · 16/05/2014 07:45

I dunno sounds pretty good to me my OH in is the Navy and uncontactable 4 months of the year. Monday to Friday when not at sea he's 600 miles away .

Seriously though sounds a bit unfair with the nights out - working is fair enough - can you have a night out once a week/month where he takes charge?

RoseberryTopping · 16/05/2014 07:49

It doesn't sound that bad, unless that's what it's like every week.

Why don't you organise to go out with your friends soon? Sounds like you're feeling a bit resentful which is totally normal in the early maternity leave days.

caeleth84 · 16/05/2014 08:00

I wouldn't be happy with that at all, it is very rarely (like a few times a month) that DH (or I) don't come home straight after work, even now when DS is almost 2!

At 16 weeks he was home as early as he possibly could and I was still desperate to have some adult contact by 16 each day...

We usually organize ourselves so that we take time "off" to do things in the evenings after dinner and bedtime on the week days. That way it doesn't affect DS, but we still get time to ourselves to train, be social, etc.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 16/05/2014 08:04

Well, you're both really lucky he has a job so close to home. So I'd say yes, YANBU that your DH is putting drinking after work before spending time with you and your DD.

Plenty of men work away from home for long stretches at a time, or have jobs that involve a lot of travel, and they don't have the option of seeing more of their family.

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 08:14

Is this a typical week, or does it just so happen that a friend is over from NY on the same week that a colleague is leaving work?

If this sort of week doesn't happen often, then I'd let it go.

I don't think it would be right to stop him having a run though, people should exercise.

NearTheWindymill · 16/05/2014 08:21

OP my DH has got home at about 10pm every night this week and last week. He leaves the house between 7-7.30. Nowadays he does these hours may be two weeks out of every four. When the DC were tiny he was building his career and he worked those sorts of hours every single week and usually at least one day every weekend.

If you DH is in a professional/corporate type of job and ambitious long hours go with the turf. The fact that he's home 6.30/7 on many many evenings sounds brilliant to me.

Only1scoop · 16/05/2014 08:24

Just tell him how you feel if its upsetting you.

Shroomboom · 16/05/2014 08:31

OP I feel your pain! I have a 7 year old ds and a four month old dd and my dh is hardly here. He works until 6.30pm Tues-Sat and is out doing various sports Mon, Thurs & Fri evenings. He plays golf once a week at least on top of this and sometimes works late Tues and Wed. We hardly see him!
This is not normal and amongst my friends dh's he's the one who's out the most, by a long way. It's been like this for years and probably won't change, but we are now used to it and I actually prefer him to get out and do his activities otherwise he's like a bear with a sore head
My advice to you would be to speak to him sooner rather than later about it. If this is what every week is like for you, and you're not happy about it, then perhaps you can reach a compromise. It's definitely important to communicate about it, otherwise resentment can build up. DH knows I tolerate it and am used to it, but recently turned down the opportunity to play tennis on a Tuesday evening too because he though he might push me over the edge

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 16/05/2014 22:17

If your oh was in the forces or you had both agreed his long working hours to feather his career, then so be it.

My oh didn't and when I was on maternity leave and had such a young child I expected him home helping out. We have never had any help and relied on each other to tag team. Oh couldn't wait to see ds and I couldn't wait to hand him over.

SaucyJack · 16/05/2014 22:21

Do you get to socialize during the day when he's at work?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2014 23:37

Do you get to socialize during the day when he's at work? Yeah, because coffee with a friend between chores, covered in baby sick, BFing and tired is exactly the same as going drinking with your mates from work until 11pm.

SaucyJack · 17/05/2014 00:39

It's not like working all day either tho if you're honest. Me and my ten-week-old had a three hour nap today while my DP was out at work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2014 02:43

You have a baby that sleeps, you lucky, lucky bastard. I had a non-sleeper. . All depends on the baby, really. And, the job.

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