To want him home more often

[WednesdayRebel]

We have a 4 month old daughter (17 weeks today!) who is our first. DH is amazing with her, adores her and is really hands on.

When he's here.

He works really long hours and is gone by 6:15 every morning, usually finishing work between 6pm-6:30, meaning he could be home between 6:30-7pm, coinciding with DD bedtime. But he isn't. This week, for example, went like this:

Monday- home around 7:15pm. He ran home 6 miles (it's only 3 miles between work and home) and sweated around the house 15-20 mins before capable of doing anything else
Tuesday - 8:45pm after work drinks for colleague farewell
Wednesday- 6:30pm
Thursday- 11pmish after work drinks with mate over from NYC. (We had already seen him and his wife on Sat).

Really getting pissed off that I'm on my own with the baby daily from start to finish. So AIBU?

Thanks for all the responses!

This is a pretty standard week. And a huge shift from before DD when he would be at work til late (7am-7:30/8pm) most days and then out til all hours 2-3 nights a week.

We agreed early on after DD's arrival that he wouldn't go out two nights in a row, after I lost the plot one night when he was in the pub while I was in tears on the floor of the baby's room, covered in sick, having literally not seen him for 48 hours.

But I feel like he could make a bit more of an effort to get home to see her before she goes to bed given he leaves before she wakes up in the morning.

PS saucy Your nap talk is killing me! DD is a reasonably good night sleeper but hates naps. Won't go to bed during the day without a fight and wakes after 20-30 mins. Last person to suggest I "sleep when the baby sleeps" copped an absolute serve.

'while I was in tears on the floor of the baby's room, covered in sick...'

In the kindest way possible, this doesn't sound like it is to do with whether your DH was home or not.

(Assuming it was baby sick and that it was because of that you were on the floor crying.)

What is it like at weekends? Does your DH have to work then of does he get the whole time off? To be fair to him it sounds like he has cut down if he used to finish every day at 7.30/8pm.

I usually bank on not seeing DH until bedtime (11pm) anything earlier is a bonus...that way I know i have to set myself up for managing the whole day. There does have to be a level of trust though that your DH is not just staying at the office because it's easier than coming home to do baths, or out 'networking with clients' when he is actually just out on the lash. Most people are having to work longer hours atm anyway, I'd rather he was working longer than out of work.

Could you arrange one night a week when he is definitely home by a certain time so you can have a bath and relax for the evening or go out to a class or something?

Sorry but I think yabu. My dh leaves home at 6 am an is never home before 8pm, would love him to be home at 6.30 to help with dd, even once a week would be wonderful.

OK, thanks. Good to hear of others in the same/similar/worse boat, even if it means I am BU.

If it's a lot of time spent socializing then YANBU as he should only be keeping up his pre-baby level of social life if you are getting time too e.g. he goes out 2 nights a week and then you get 2 nights out a week (more likely a lie-in on weekends and an afternoon out as I bet you're too tired to go out late but you know what I mean!).

There should be some give and take for both of you but he is being immature and selfish if he thinks he can keep up his pre-baby lifestyle. Work is a different scenario. If he has to do long hours /travel, as my DH does, and he is the main breadwinner then there's not a lot either of you can do. Doesn't sound like it in this case though!

My dh is home every other weekend if that helps, Wednesday!

It's really normal to be on your knees by baby bedtime. Very exhausting and he should be supporting.

Can't he come home then run after he's put DD to bed? Or come back, then go back out a couple of hours later?

My DH is out at work before we get up and gets back once the kids are a sleep. It's really hard

It is a shame some of you have partners who have no choice to be out of the house for long hours.

But the OPs husband does have the choice to come home earlier but is not taking it.

OP Yanbu

He needs to see that your life has changed whilst his has stayed the same, and the effect of that is to make you feel you are going it alone with the baby more than is necessary. Nip it in the bud now or there is a danger that you will always be the default carer.

YeGods

If you are struggling with ababy and doing it alone, then a husband who is not back from work and could be supporting and helping does have a lot to do with it.

Yanbu to want him to prioritize coming to see you and baby over drinks.

it sounds heavenly to me though, first because if my dh came home at 630 i would have a heart attack, and second as it sounds like your night sleeping is amazing- i would just go to bed as soon as the baby does, don't wait up for your OH. Sleep when they sleep doesn't just apply to naps, it never works for me during the day either.

We have a 5 mo and a toddler. My dh stays away for work at least two nights a week but usually more. Even if he's home he leaves before 6 or 7,and wouldn't be home till after ten pm, 8pm is coming home early! Luckily (haha) we have an early rising toddler so he does get to see her before he leaves on occasion, otherwise it is just the weekend when he often has to work too and sometimes he gets sent abroad and flies at the weekend, so we take what we can get. However, i do get particularly annoyed if he is drinking not working, as i feel he should put us first second after work, and if he stays out late and is then tired or hungover he is no use to me!

Well if he is out late every week day due to work, its something you might need to suck up, but if its socialising 2/3 nights per week, thats taking the piss quite frankly.

What is he like at weekends?

YANBU - he needs to realise that the baby is half his and when able to she should tale on his share of the responsibility, not swanning about and having a social life whilst you do everything.

When I was pregnant I was very worried about how my DH would be when the baby arrived because although his working day would mean that he would leave at 7am and return at 5pm (which is good I know) he has an active social life which included gym visits most nights or after work activities. This typically meant he wouldn't be home until nearer 7pm every night. The weekends are pretty full on as well as he was out for at least 8 hours a day on Saturday playing Cricket and 5 hours a day on the Sunday playing football.

I sat down and spoke to him about it all and he has completely changed his social life. DS is now 8 weeks old and DH has been the gym twice! He has also told his Boss that he will no longer be partaking in the voluntary after work activities. Although he was the captain of the cricket team he handed in his notice just before DS was born and he stopped playing football too. Every night (bar one, due to a meeting he is required to go to at work) he is home by 4pm. When he comes home he relieves me of DS for a few hours so I can have some 'me time' which usually consists of a nice hot bath

He is perfectly happy to have given up his gym and sport because he said spending time with his baby and helping me is far more important - which it is.

When a dad is choosing to do something fun for him as opposed to sharing the care and responsibility of his baby, knowing it puts his partner under extra pressure, well it just isn't right in my eyes.