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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a new relationship because of bad sex?

64 replies

Proudmummy2456 · 16/05/2014 00:32

Hi ladies,
Been dating this lovely lad for a few weeks now, he's really nice good job everything like that but the sex isn't really that good, no foreplay just straight into it until the inevitable happens after about 5 minutes. Plus he keeps stopping and starting to stop himself from cumming. My last partner was absolutely dynamite in bed so I might just be comparing it to that I don't know. I don't mean to sound shallow but good sex has to be part of my relationship but I feel like a bitch finishing him because of this.

OP posts:
PitchSlapped · 16/05/2014 07:28

I ditched my ex for being selfish and useless in bed. Its only been a few weeks

RoganJosh · 16/05/2014 07:29

Does he ask if you've come? If so I'd start the conversation there about getting you to come first. If he hasn't even been asking I would be a bit concerned that he doesn't care.

meditrina · 16/05/2014 07:33

If you know it's not working for you, then yes end it. It doesn't really matter whether third parties see your reason as adequate or not. But early dating is meant to be about auditioning someone for a role in your life. If you don't want them for any reason, then move on.

But I wouldn't mention the real reason to him or gossip about it to RL friends. This is an area where tact and discretion is needed.

Only1scoop · 16/05/2014 07:38

Eeeeuuuuu the 'I've got rhythm' bit would have put me off regardless of the crap sex.

I don't do teaching either Grin

A bit of guidance maybe but he doesn't even have the basics by the sound of it

LineRunner · 16/05/2014 07:39

"No foreplay"

That is really, really revealing. And not in a good way.

Have you asked him why?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 16/05/2014 07:43

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Last time I checked you were allowed to end a relationship for any reason you wanted. Smile

You could try to change things if you can be bothered but it does sound really selfish on his part.

Pastperfect · 16/05/2014 07:47

Nothing unreasonable about wanting good sex. The fact that you've tried to guide him and he is still not getting it would be the end for me. It all sounds like very hard work at the beginning if a relationship when you should just want to rip each other's clothes off

HavannaSlife · 16/05/2014 07:51

How old is he? If hes early 20s and never been in a relationship before I might havw a go at teaching him. If hes older and has been in relationships before id think he should already know the basics of foreplay!

I had one like this, he was 36, no amount of talking or showing was going to make a difference with that one

Birdsgottafly · 16/05/2014 07:52

I have had partners that I have to "teach", not just guide.

I don't hint at what I want and know what gets me off.

If you mean that you are both basically just bumping genitals, when you say "no foreplay", then I would get rid.

Even using sex toys wouldn't solve that issue, you would still feel frustrated, as time went on.

SuperSophie · 16/05/2014 08:07

The absence of orgasms for you and premature ones for him are bad enough in themselves but the situation is actually worse than that, isn't it?

If a woman really loves sex, the orgasm is just the icing on the cake - the cake being the preceding session of wonderful romantic lovemaking or just plain old wonderful wham-bam shagging.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and you can't make a good lover out of someone who just doesn't understand what good sex is all about.

The question is "If he slowed down and lasted until you'd climaxed, would you be happy with overall sexual performance?"

If so, keep him. If not, bin him.

Men (and women) can learn sexual techniques but they can NOT learn to be sexy if they're not sexy already.

It's all a matter of what you yourself want out of a sexual relationship.

Suzannewithaplan · 16/05/2014 10:58

With some men you get the impression they have no sense of sensuality and it feels as if sex is more like an eliminative function.

He wants a woman to ejaculate into and any pleasure that she gets from the act is incidental and not really his responsibility.

I have dropped potential lovers after the first or second time when it was clear that his 'technique' consisted of pump, pump, squirt.
Utterly infuriating.

revolutionarytoad · 16/05/2014 11:04

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want, you don't have to feel guilty.

worriedabout · 16/05/2014 11:08

I think YABU - I would always try to make someone good before dumping.

curiousuze · 16/05/2014 11:12

YANBU. Why on earth should you teach him, like some posters are suggesting?? Absolutely nuts. Just find someone you like having sex with, much more fun.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 16/05/2014 11:47

This thread seems awfully familiar Hmm

VenusDeWillendorf · 16/05/2014 11:52

I'd move on- life is too short, and if he's not listening now, he certainly won't listen when the honeymoons over.

Don't tell him why you're moving on though - some people can get quite huffy with women who want to be satisfied in bed.

squoosh · 16/05/2014 11:57

If I fancied the pants off him and thought he was eager to learn I'd stick with him for a while. If he's just using you as a spunk receptacle I'd ditch him today.

Original poster
Proudmummy2456 · 16/05/2014 12:05

Well he's 31 and I'm 24 so shouldn't he be teaching me things?! I'm really not sure what to do, like I said he's a great guy and seems like he would be a fantastic boyfriend in every other way apart from this. Not sure if it's a deal breaker or not, shall I just buy the biggest vibrator from ann summers and put up with it haha!

OP posts:
sezamcgregor · 16/05/2014 12:12

It sounds to me like he's not had much sex before.

My tactic would be to make him come through foreplay and then have sex with him when he's hard again and can last longer.

Suzannewithaplan · 16/05/2014 12:19

He's on his best behavior now, but he can't keep up the act during sex.

He's giving you all the spiel about having rhythm and you're letting him get away with it, my guess is that if you let him get his feet under the table sex won't be the only area in which you are short changed

expatinscotland · 16/05/2014 12:23

Life is way too short for shite sex. It's not your job to educate an adult.

Please, do not settle for someone who is shit in bed.

Dump.

You owe this person nothing.

Miggsie · 16/05/2014 12:27

He seems to see sex as penetrative only and this may be that either he is very inexperienced or very selfish.
If it is the first then there may be hope - if it is the second then it's a deal breaker.

I read an article a while back that said that women are capable of orgasming 100 times in an hour - DH and I have done a lot of testing of that hypothesis although being only 1 couple we are not a statistically viable sample! A caring partner should be able to get you to orgasm at least 3 times before penetration. He may genuinely think fast is best - so you will need to talk to him about it, you need orgasms too! Otherwise you will have the dullest sex life imaginable and I would pack it in. I once ended a relationship as the sex was very formulaic and dull - it felt like he was doing a checklist not making love and it isn't shallow - it's about whether you have a loving partner who cares about your pleasure.

At only 24 there are plenty of other blokes who I'm sure would be quite happy to help you orgasm many times so it isn't hopeless.

You will need to have a very assertive talk to him and tell him women want more than 10 minutes.
And he will have to practise not getting too excited too fast- I am reliably informed by an old friend of mine here.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2014 12:29

You don't need to do anything. At 24, you should be having loads of great sex. Bin this guy.

2rebecca · 16/05/2014 12:34

If I was otherwise happy with the relationship then I would broach your disatisfaction. I think this is a potentially fixable problem and I regret not having been more upfront about poor sex in other relationships.
If he comes after 5 minutes then the main way you are going to get satisfaction is for foreplay before hand and probably manipulation (horrible word) afterwards. I hate stopping and starting and would rather have foreplay, quick vaginal sex and then him concentrate on my orgasm. I'd try telling him this and discussing what pleases/ doesn't please you both.
If he has a huff/ won't change then I'd dump him but age and sexual knowledge in men aren't at all related. It tends to depend on how assertive other women have been in telling a bloke how to please a woman (and we all vary but few women orgasm after 5 minutes or half an hour of stop start vaginal penetration only).

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 16/05/2014 12:41

yanbu. my ex partner was like this but my new one, is, as you put it "dynamite" in bed. ltb

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