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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this unfair...

49 replies

Loopylala7 · 15/05/2014 23:04

My DHs grandparents are generous people and are besotted with our DD1. When she was born they gifted her some money which they said should be used to set up a bank account which was much appreciated.

2 years on, DD2 has just been born. Again GGPs gift money, however state very openly that as she is a second child she will only get half what her sister had. DH is in my mind anyway, quite rightly upset that they should treat them so differently. I wouldn't be bothered if it was down to financial difficulty or if they had expected us to spend part of DD1s money on baby equipment to be reused for DD2, however they were quite insistent that it should all be put into a savings account. From what I understand they are financially well off so I cannot see this would be a concern.

I'm not sure if they think we are planning on having another dozen children, hence the reigning money back for child 2, but we aren't, and I think they should have considered that we might have more than one child in the first place when such a decision was made. I would have preferred they gifted DD1 less, and given the same to DD2.

I feel like saying to them that we are going to take some of DD1s money out and put it into DD2s account just to make a point that we don't like them being treated so differently. Sorry rant over

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 15/05/2014 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 15/05/2014 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 15/05/2014 23:07

I would do that but I wouldn't say anything.. why invite aggro sometimes?

UncrushedParsley · 15/05/2014 23:07

It does sound unfair. If you can sort it so both have the same, I would. Woulnd't bother addressing it with the grandparents though. Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse...

CoffeeTea103 · 15/05/2014 23:10

Just transfer some from the first dd to the second dd account. No need to tell them, why cause unnecessary issues. They were generous to do so in the first place.

AlfAlf · 15/05/2014 23:14

That would leave a bad taste in my mouth. I cannot stand that type of unfairness.
I would either top up the amount given to dd2 myself if I could afford to, or redistribute to make it fair.
Also, keep I'd my eyes open for further preferential treatment being given to dd1 if I were you. Apparently they already view dd2 as somehow less, and may treat her accordingly. That could be so toxic, and not something I'd want my dc to witness too much of!

AlfAlf · 15/05/2014 23:14

That should read I'd keep my eyes open!

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2014 23:15

I would thank them for their generous gift and say that you will divide the money between all the children you decide to have.

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 15/05/2014 23:21

Thank you, glad to see that many of you think in the same way as me. I think I will redistribute as I'm the named parent on the accounts anyway. I like your suggestion LaurieFairyCake, but way to much of a coward to say it to them!

OP posts:
SuperSophie · 15/05/2014 23:25

Stealing from your first child to give money to your second?

Tut! Tut!

Icimoi · 15/05/2014 23:26

I do hope they don't plan to carry on this way? It would be incredibly unfair if DD2 gets birthday presents that are worth half as much as DD1's.

It could be worth asking them, because if that is their intention they need to be told not to bother at all. On the other hand, if they say that of course they don't intend to do that, you could ask them why they recognise that it would be unfair for birthdays but don't see that it's unfair now.

Canthisonebeused · 15/05/2014 23:27

It's a difficult one. It's up to them what they do and don't gift, however I would think it's fair if you evened up the money so both dcs and any subsequent dcs have equal. But I'm not sure it would be necessary or reasonable to tell GPS that's what you are doing as I think it would come across as entitled. Could you just open one extra bank account if it's considerable sum and add any gifts from gps and divvy out to all the children you have later on in life.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/05/2014 23:36

What strange people they must be! Bizarre, warped thinking Confused

SistersOfPercy · 15/05/2014 23:37

I'd split it equally.
When ds was born we took out an endowment for him maturing on his 21st. When dd came along 4 years later we were paying a mortgage and couldn't afford it.
Ds turned 21 this year.The cheque came and we split it between them (on the understanding dd can't touch her share until she's 21). It seemed the fair thing to do for them both.

In your case I'd pool the amount into a good interest bank account and split it between them when the eldest reaches 18. It's not stealing in any way, it's treating them equally.

stonecircle · 15/05/2014 23:43

My MIL and PIL are a bit like this with a noticeable tendency to be more generous towards DS1 than DS2 or DS3. Their birthdays are all around the same time of year and I've noticed significant discrepancies in the value of their gifts or the amount on the cheque now they are older. Makes me sound grasping I know and I put it down to my ILS getting on a bit and not remembering what they've done for each child.

I was mightily put out when, after a fairly feeble set of GCSE results they sent DS1 £100 but two years later, after getting 10 A*/A at GCSE, DS2 got £20. DS1 was given a cheque for £2000 on his 18th birthday (despite my pleadings that they should tuck it away for a bit - preferably until he was more mature!). DS2 is very mature, good with money and is 18 in just over 4 months and am sure he will remember the unexpected big cheque that his brother got. So I just hope they have the decency to repeat their generosity!

We have a trump card though - about £4-5k left to DS1 and DS2 (DS3 wasn't on the scene then) by DH's grandma. It's in an ISA in my name and I fully intend to use it to redress any imbalance rather than split it 3 ways.

NoodleOodle · 15/05/2014 23:45

Weird. I would redistribute too, without mentioning it.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/05/2014 07:17

It is weird but mentioning it would make you sound very entitled.

Am not sure re taking DD1's money as its not yours to take but if you do it to even the amounts then surely in future you have to make sure everything is equal if thats your stance. So do you never plan to reuse anything from DD1 for DD2 given you feel they should have the same treatment so everything new each?

meditrina · 16/05/2014 07:21

Unless the sums of money are too big for you to cover, I'd top up DC2's account to the level of DC1's.

I don't think it's right to deprive one DC of something that was given to them, just because a sibling received a less generous present. You'll get away with it, of course, if you do choose to take DC1's money. But I wouldn't feel right doing that.

Only1scoop · 16/05/2014 07:25

I wouldn't say anything ....very generous of them even if they they have weird ideas re gifting etc.

You are hardly going to change how they feel.

sandgrown · 16/05/2014 07:29

As a GP I find their behaviour strange but maybe they reviewed their financial situation and realised they were overgenerous in excitement of first GC. When your children are older I would discreetly share out the money but if they continue to give your first child more I think you would have to find a way to say something. At the end of the day it is their money to do as they please even though it seems very unfair !

DodderyOldSoul · 16/05/2014 07:37

Just move the money, and don't tell them.

However , if it continues when the kids are older, you hVe to act. It's not entitled to mention it.

It's your job to protect and care for all of of your children, and this means avoiding a massive potential cause if resentment between siblings because GPs are being stupid, and possibly getting a kick out of having a bit of power and control over your family.

I would go for broke; thank them for any gifts, but say that it is important that when there are comparable events, especially as the children get older and , you would like them to be treated equally, or not at all.

Stress that you are so grateful, but if they are going to single out one child you would rather not have anything.

Have these people never heard of Will and Ed Grundy?

RedRoom · 16/05/2014 09:14

Yep, I'd move the money across too. So unfair to treat one child to more than the other. It doesn't sound like it was for financial reasons- they said it was due to her being a second child. I'm not sure why that makes her less important, but it might be first child = heir mentality.

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 16/05/2014 23:11

Happymummyofone, I do not expect new everything for DD2, am reusing a lot of her sisters things. My annoyance was that they were specific that the money was for saving, not spending on baby clothes/equipment etc which I would of happily reused.

They specifically stated it was because she was a second child she would receive half. DH is horrified that they would do this, and whilst grateful for a gift, as others have stated treat them equally or not at all. If there was a financial problem, we would be understanding, but we know its not due to this. Weird reasoning in my mind, but glad most of you agree.

OP posts:
Andro · 17/05/2014 00:04

If they were that adamant, I'd be careful about re-distributing...they may make a point of telling DD1 about the money.

CurlyBlueberry · 17/05/2014 00:13

Out of interest is your DH their only child?

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