To think this unfair...

[Loopylala7]

My DHs grandparents are generous people and are besotted with our DD1. When she was born they gifted her some money which they said should be used to set up a bank account which was much appreciated.

2 years on, DD2 has just been born. Again GGPs gift money, however state very openly that as she is a second child she will only get half what her sister had. DH is in my mind anyway, quite rightly upset that they should treat them so differently. I wouldn't be bothered if it was down to financial difficulty or if they had expected us to spend part of DD1s money on baby equipment to be reused for DD2, however they were quite insistent that it should all be put into a savings account. From what I understand they are financially well off so I cannot see this would be a concern.

I'm not sure if they think we are planning on having another dozen children, hence the reigning money back for child 2, but we aren't, and I think they should have considered that we might have more than one child in the first place when such a decision was made. I would have preferred they gifted DD1 less, and given the same to DD2.

I feel like saying to them that we are going to take some of DD1s money out and put it into DD2s account just to make a point that we don't like them being treated so differently. Sorry rant over

No, my DH is not their only GS, he has a sibling and weirdly they always talk about how they treat them equally (only 2 GC in total). GPs only had one child, DHs Mum, who told us about the comments. She was unimpressed with their attitude too, and whilst we weren't present at said conversation, apparently she told them their attitude was wrong and they should be treating both GGC the same. My poor DD2 has only been in the world a few weeks and they've already cast her off as being not as special as her sister :(

Why didn't you/dh express your surprise / question them about it as they said it to you ?
Throughout P1, I was thinking the same as everyone else - just either share it evenly, or 'top up' your dc2's savings a/c from your own money, but I have to say if they specifically handed over the cash/cheque, making it clear they were doing this on purpose, then, at that time, I'd have asked them about it.

I'd definitely redistribute. When I was growing up whenever we visited my paternal grandparents on leaving my sister and I would be given 50 pence whilst my brother would receive a pound.

When my grandmother died she left my brother £1000, which in 1986 was a considerable sum, and nothing to my sister or me.

It hurt then, and even a tiny but now, that firstly my grandmother so obviously had her favourite and secondly that my parents didn't make an effort to share the money. I know it may have been trick from a legal perspective but my brother was 15 and I think it would have been a good life lesson for him.

BackforGood I feel it ought to be my DH who says something as its his family. He won't though, but even if he did they would probably think that I put him up to it.

TBH they never ask to see DD1s bank book, so I could just redistribute without them knowing.

I think what your Gran did to you and your sister Garcia is awful.

As DD2 is only a few weeks old might it be worth letting this 'sit' uncomfortably for a while and give your DH's Mum time to have her opinion sink in. Perhaps they will discover it doesn't feel quite right and change it themselves.

If nothing doing by DD2's 1st birthday, say, then decide how to redistribute or use the extra in DD1's account for something of joint benefit.

My mum died when dd was just wks old. We set aside money from her estate to be given to her at a later date. With dd2 arriving in a couple of weeks, the money will be shared between the 2 of them.
Mum bought dd1 a lovely dolls house that we didn't know about. It arrived after her death in time for Christmas.
We don't have room to buy another one for dd2. They will share it and when older can decide between them what they want to do with it.
I kept some of mum's jewellery with the intention of giving a necklace to dd1 when she got to 21. I will do the same for dd2.
My Dsis doesn't have children yet but has kept jewellery in case, for the same purpose.
We know our mum would want the girls to be treated fairly and equally. I will try my best to do that.

One set of my GPs did this to my sister and I when we were growing up. Sister always got more because she was older (2 years, not huge gap). My mum either topped up or redistributed so I didn't find out until I was about ten.

Once I found out I was hurt. So I would watch out for this pattern repeating with every gift and nip it in the bud by confronting them if it ever happens again.

I would tell them ask would want them to know.

My dh has a brother and a sister and his sister was taken to Disney land by dh's mother's sister numerous times during his childhood. Dh's parents showed signs of favouring one of my doc and I told them it wasn't going to happen. That they weren't going to do to my doc what they enabled dh's aunt to do.

I think you need to somehow nip it in the bud now. We have an ongoing similar situation in that FIL will give my DC money for Easter/Christmas/spending money for hols and give the eldest more than other two. Every time. Apparently her things cost more, which is a crap excuse because a DVD/cd for example is the same cost however old the child. Luckily eldest DD is pretty outraged by this two and will always share her money so all three get the same.

TOO not two!

Wow, this situation is more common than I ever would have thought! In a family I know, the grandmother suddenly and quite randomly decided to give the eldest child, a 3yo girl, one of her rings. Because she liked it. She gave nothing to the girl's younger sister, or to their parents.

The ring is worth somewhere upwards of £30,000. Earnest discussion ensued as to whether the 3yo and her sister's interests would be best served by keeping the ring/money for 3yo to spend as she chooses when she's older, or using it to pay off the family mortgage now.

Very generous of the grandmother to give such a gift, of course, but it did seem a little short sighted, perhaps, for her not to have considered what impact it might have on the whole family.

I do think they should have been given the same but the point i was making is that most parents spend more on the first child than subsequent ones. You are happy to do the same but its wrong when the grandparents do so double standards. Why dont you just put the money towards it yourself as you didnt need to spend on on several items?

I think that it is different, parents spend more on a first child as they are buying from scratch. The older grows out of the clothes, baskets, cots & toys etc and they are saved for any future children. It is just sound family economics. I think the GPs giving them cash to be saved for the future is different, when they are 18 and old enough to have the savings they should receive similar amounts.

We were given savings for DS1 when he was born from my BIL instead of a wedding present. We have now put these plus some other cash given to the children into an account in my name which will be used for education, house deposit for all the children when they are older.

When DS1 was born we started a pension and CTF for him, once the DTs came along we can no longer afford to keep up the same level of saving. We are saving into their CTFs for them but at some point we will need to even out the savings.

That was very generous first time round. I guess it was nice to give money to DD2 but don't quite understand how they decided to deliberately halve the amount for DD2 but I'd quietly redistribute.

Yes exactly what AlfAlf said. Their card would be well and truly (albeit quietly) marked from now on. Odd people.

Redistribute???

I'm sort but that's STEALING from your first child to give to your second!

Yes I too would be upset at the disparity but neither child needs to know how much the other got and if it's so important to you, you got a lot of time to too up the account of the second child yourself, rather than stealing from the first child to do it.

I'm sure many people won't agree with my use of the word 'stealing, but that's exactly what it is when neither the giver or receiver of the money has agreed.

Agree joysmum but sadly its seems rife on MN. After reading on here that people use childrens birthday money and vouchers to even things up, buy household items or items for other siblings I no longer gift them. Its a shame as children like to spend them but it stops the above going on.

OFGS dont you think the children will discuss it when they're older, of course they'll know dd1 got double what dd2 got, the mum has to sort this out before they are old enough to realise

When a rellie of mine left £3,500 to my DSis and £2,500 to me I did not think it was unfair, I don't think it troubled me at all. Hers to do as she likes. Same in this case. YABU.

In my case my children knew that DS's money was going to be split with DD. Fortunately I raised a pair of pretty well rounded, not grabby children who appreciate that giving one more than another would be unfair.

My case was different as I was the giver who'd initially set the endowment up for DD, but both kids fully understood the reasonings behind it and DS certainly didn't feel like we had 'stolen' his money.

Just to clarify, we get a single cheque at Christmas from one set of GPs for all the children for their education, this goes into an account for the future. It is much appreciated. They aren't old enough for people to give them vouchers or cash for birthdays or Christmas and when they do it will be theirs to splurge on toys or whatever they want.

I would say "thank you so much for being so geberous with both of ours dcs and the money will come in handy as they grow. Whilst it is your money to give as you wish, it sits uncomfortably with me that you see dc2 as less important than dc1. Id rather you treat them equally in future, even if that means a smaller, or no, gift each. You will understand, of course, how important it is to us to treat the dcs equally"

Utterly unfair!

My Nan thought DSIS was spoilt, she thought all younger DCs were*. As a teen she'd slip me extra pocket money. I always split it with my sister!

DDad's obnoxious little brother was, but he was born 8 years after DDad when DGrandpa had a well paid job, not an RAF posting and the chance of being killed.