To think you can just be sick. you don't have to be a hero too?

[Deverethemuzzler]

This is not a thread about an individual.
I don't want this to be about someone in the news.
I respect them and their family.
I would prefer people not to refer to anyone by name on this thread because I don't want this to be googable and for it to be turned into something it isnt.

This is about what our society has become.

I don't respect the media. I don't respect a society that feels it has to add inspirational labels to sick people in order for them to matter.

There has to be an hook to hang their admiration on and they can only care if they are given a BIG reason to do so.

A child has died. It is a massive personal tragedy. Every time a child dies a family dies too.

People who are sick should be allowed to be sick without being expected to be an inspiration.

To live with chronic and life limiting illness is enough. To get though each day is enough.

Why do we expect so much from people who have so little spare to give?

To everyone out there living with cancer, whether it be yours or your loved one's....I wish you the strength you need to get though another day.

The timing? People die every day.

I call this phenomenon of grief tourism the 'hug 'em a little tighter' mentality. It's right up there with Lifestyle Police, a false sense of security that if you do x, y and z Bad Things will not befall you. It's a selfish form of isolation and self-protection.

Miscellaneous you are not stupid. You were pressured. You did what you were expected to do.
Its not your fault.

I have a friend on FB. She got lots of support when her child was ill. Lots of 'hugs hun' 'you are all so brave'
until

she put a photo up of what the illness was doing to her child. A photo of her child's face.

She then got abusive messages and comments and her photographs were reported to FB.

The reality of the disease did not attract any hugs or huns. I attracted disgust and hatred.

OP I've just realised your normal posting name (am a bear of little brain today, sorry).

Big hugs to you and

I completely agree with all of what you are saying. And I'm starting to agree on some of the fuck yous too. x

Devere thanks. Hard not to beat oneself up about it considering the result of buying into the 'war myth'

Bloody hell love, few of us are strong enough to resist it!

It is relentless.

OP, you're right, I'm with you on everything you have said.

When you idolize someone you end up building a big facade around them...then the person inside disappears and nobody notices....

The concept is partially nicked from Prachett but I think this is what you are talking about and if so I agree.

Somebody does a good thing but then they have a media image and then one day the image doesn't match the reality and it becomes horrible...or maybe nobody remembers who you actually were...just what the media made you.

i think you missed my fucking point.

Kormachameleon, well said. My dad, loved us, wanted to be with us, fought that with every inch of his being but he was tired and sick. Cancer killed him because it is a disease that does discriminate between good or bad people, young or old, public or private individuals.

He was/is a hero because he did an amazing thing.

That he died is is not at all connected (in my mind) to his fantastic achievement. He was the sort of person that would have been a hero anyway, he would achieved wonderful things in his life on behalf of others.

The tragedy that is being focussed on in the media is that the world has lost such a caring and giving man who would have done so much more than he already did, if only he had been given the chance to do so. The heroism is in that 19 short years he did more than everyone on this thread put together will do with our lives.

OP I agree with you. And I also believe it extends past people suffering a drawn out, horrible illness. I would apply it to families of victims of terrible accidents as well.

I would say most people haven't had their tragedy and grief plastered all

Didn't even click post, no idea what happened there I'm very sorry

..plastered all over the news and social media and therefore won't know what it feels like. Which is okay because it's not something I would wish on people quite franklyp

Ffs.

I apologise again for my shitty posting. Of all the threads for it to happen

I agree with you OP.

I can only feel an abstract, objective "sadness" at the idea of this person's tragic passing. Because I didn't know him. I can make some assumptions and definitely be inspired by his attitude and spirit. But only abstractly.

I truly believe celebrities get in in these things to boost their own profile and non-celebs "mourn" the passing of a stranger because they have a fascination with suffering and the association with a degree of fame.

You are spot on to describe it as weird.

I say this with all due respect to the deceased and his family who must be going through utter heartbreak.

It's hard to call to be honest.

On one hand it is admirable to be positive and optimistic in the face of death. But it does seem like people expect cancer patients to all be sunny and cheerful. Not everyone is happy about being tired and exhausted throughout chemo. It also takes away from family members who are dealing with the situation as well. Why should they be allowed to be upset and angry at the situation when the dying person isn't? It minimizes their feeling and makes them look "bad" when they act human about their child dying instead of saying the expected "Oh he was so brave! I was just happy for the time we had!".

That said, I know people that are a pain in the ass during hospital stays and while I don't blame them for being down on themselves during a rough ordeal, it doesn't exactly make it easy to visit them for long periods of time either. It's the same reason people have a hard time hanging around depressed people and why depression wreaks such havoc on a relationship. Sickness doesn't change this fact, in fact it adds more stress to the situation. It's unfair to expect them to be pleasant during such an ordeal, but it doesn't change human nature of wanting to be around people that you have a good time with.

Anyway, cancer sucks. It kills good people and bad people. The disease itself doesn't make someone a "hero", how you choose to face that death can be inspirational to some people who have yet to come to terms with their own mortality though.

The fight and war and brave terminology pisses me off too.

Mum died last year from cancer, and while she was well she did some pretty great stuff, but once she was ill shegradually faded. No battling, just doing what she could to get through.

Surely it's up to the person in question and how they want to deal with it - some want to make their mark or make a difference - a younger person who hasn't had children, had their career etc might have a different wish than someone who had done all that and just want to pass their time with loved ones - we will all deal with these things differently.

I know what the op means, sometimes people / the media try to own other people's tragedies. It cheapens it and detracts from the real hell that the individual and family have to endure alone.
Being ill and dying and grieving are lonely. No outside really wants to know.

Having said that, hats off to anyone, ill or well, who raises awareness and money to relieve the suffering of others.

It's often a very narrow view of making a difference or making a mark though. It usually involves doing stuff for charity and being in the media.
To me the death of someone I don't know is the death of someone I don't know regardless of how much money they have raised.
If I know them then the charity stuff is also irrelevant. To the media it isn't though and we're supposed to care more about someone who has raised money for charity than someone who hasn't.

I get where you're coming from OP. My Uncle's got a pretty nasty form of cancer right now (aren't they all) and people keep saying "Oh he's being so strong" "Oh it's good to see he's fighting on as always"

Personally if I was my uncle I'd tell them all to feck off - it must be hard enough being extremely sick without having to live up to some stereotype of being a hero as well. Yes it's not good to wallow in depression or get into a cycle of thinking "why me?" but that doesn't mean you can't have times where you're exhausted and you're miserable and you're fed up and angry and pissed off at the world.

But no, let's just make this person an inspiration and separate their heroic attributes from who they are and how they're feeling so they have to put on a front to make other people feel better.

I hear what you're saying OP. There is a nasty seam of emotional rubbernecking encouraged in media and society today. It serves up people's tragedies and losses as a way for them to think "Oh how awful!" before moving on with their life.

I cannot imagine how under siege Stephen Sutton's family are now. The emails, letters and phonecalls they'll be getting from people who want to latch onto his death at the worst time of their lives.

When my daughter died in an accident I had approaches from journalists via letter and Facebook wanting to put together 'A sensitive tribute' and they'd make a donation to charity. It was as though they thought I should offer up the awfulness of my girl dying to give their readers a vicarious window into something they'll hopefully never have to know about firsthand.

And even a year after, when family ran a major race to raise money (I know - the fundraising narrative strikes!) the local paper weren't happy just to say that an amount had been raised for a charity in memory of X; they wanted to write a 'tribute'. Bollocks to them, they got nothing.

Sorry. That post was all 'me, me, me' but I don't think people realise how the media can be when people - and especially children - are ill or die. It's intrusive and in many cases a total fucking disgrace.