To think you can just be sick. you don't have to be a hero too?

[Deverethemuzzler]

This is not a thread about an individual.
I don't want this to be about someone in the news.
I respect them and their family.
I would prefer people not to refer to anyone by name on this thread because I don't want this to be googable and for it to be turned into something it isnt.

This is about what our society has become.

I don't respect the media. I don't respect a society that feels it has to add inspirational labels to sick people in order for them to matter.

There has to be an hook to hang their admiration on and they can only care if they are given a BIG reason to do so.

A child has died. It is a massive personal tragedy. Every time a child dies a family dies too.

People who are sick should be allowed to be sick without being expected to be an inspiration.

To live with chronic and life limiting illness is enough. To get though each day is enough.

Why do we expect so much from people who have so little spare to give?

To everyone out there living with cancer, whether it be yours or your loved one's....I wish you the strength you need to get though another day.

OP

I think it's great such a lot was raised for a lesser-known charity. I think it's natural and forgivable that people feel they can somehow inoculate against or redress the real tragedy with money because otherwise they'd feel helpless, and people don't like that.

So what is a sort of understandable reaction gets blown up and blown up by the media until it becomes offensive

--I'm talking, BTW about people who think how sad and who donate money

It not just cancer either.

There are so many illnesses and so many are ignored because they don't 'fit' what the media want.

But the ones that do get attention come with the same terms and conditions attached.

You must smile
You must battle
you must be humble
you must be brave
you must never, ever, ever give up.

And if you can manage the above whilst providing us all with regular updates and don't forget to respond to our PMs and DMs and you best like our comments too.

I think I might have just stated what other people are saying in a different way

I think you are downright out of order starting this thread today. If it wasn't about a particular person it could have been started on any other day of the fucking year!

Sick and bereaved people are expected to raise awareness and money.

Lots do and they do a wonderful thing.

But it is expected.

Why Fairy?

I sort of understand what you're saying OP, but I don't agree with your interpretation of this boy's situation/legacy.

People ARE allowed to just be sick. There's nothing wrong with that. They don't need to fight bravely, they can succumb quietly. They can be afraid and sad.

We just don't hear about those people. These people are the majority, aren't they?

I think it's a bit of a leap to say that SS will have done other teenagers with cancer a disservice because it will be impossible to emulate him. No one has to even try.

Who expects it?

Have you just come across some particularly demanding people?

Nobody has said that!

Why on earth would you even think that?

How many times can I say it.
This is about our screwed up society and the way it takes over and invades.

No. People are not allowed to just go quietly. Not unless they hide.

As soon as they are visible it starts. The 'be brave, carry on, don't give up, don't let go'

Whatever level it is on.
It is there.

It may seem as though there are heroic epectations of sick people but possibly if you keep the "news" at arm's length and focus on reality around you, it may seem less so?
Friends and family I have lost to illness were not "heroic", just themselves. It seems to me that people die as they have lived whether that is with grace, bitterness, stoicism or drama.
I agree that many people seem to get caught up in the soap opera of strangers' lives, even at the cost of attention to their real lives, but I also think that many do not. I think of one friend who was so caught up in the drama of a missing toddler that she was constantly online, crying and unable to sleep. Meanwhile an au pair was caring for her own toddler. I thought that was bizarre.

I totally agree OP.

I dont know if it's expected but it is not surprising when many do. I do think though that fundraising has exploded in recent years as a thing to do. And i dont mean just by sick ir bereaved people. I mean the bun sales, the marathons, the beard growing, the mountain climbs, the fashion shows etc. hardly a week goes by where my FB page doesnt have someone new saying they are raising money for X. I think it's become very common now for people in general to fund raise and i suppose the closer you are to an illness the more you feel A) able to fund raise and B) understand better the need for fund raising.

It happens every time there is a news story.

You see it on MN and NM and facebook.

'I am crying'
'I am heartbroken'
'I can't sleep'

One person said about Peter C 'Its like losing one of my own'.

Someone on a fundraising page 'I hope my children grow up to be just like you' On the page of someone who never got to grow up.

I was told 'you mustn't give up hope' so many times after my DD became terminal. By people who hardly knew us.

Did they offer to help me prepare my DD for her death? Did they offer to help me find a way of telling her she was going to die?

No. Much easier to tell me I have to ignore her impending death because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Is there something about people on FB compared to other people which makes it statistically lore ikely they will be crass and insensitive though?

I don't really agree that you have to be a certain way when you are sick. You can, and should, keep it as private as you wish. And behave in the way you wish. Media stories don't have to change this.

I actually agree with you . And I have followed this brilliant young man for a while because he is an inspiring fella but and I know this is going to sound shitty but I was actually dreading ( and I truly wanted him to be well ) him making a miracle recovery once the bandwagon started .

Not because he shouldn't be well because bloody hell he should be , if someone can be this amazing while dying just imagine what kind of Dr he would have become .

But the miracles just don't happen , if wishes and prayers worked then the many families going through this shit would be living a happy life .

YANBU

I completely agree with you.

Getting sick and dying is part of the human condition. Like every other area of our lives, the media want to commercialise it and package it up for mass consumption.

I used to work on a TV programme long ago where we'd have to call random members of the public who were going through terrible things in their lives and persuade them to appear in a TV debate and fight a moral angle.

The attitude and competition within the TV company about recruiting these "case studies" (that's what they were called) was awful. Our boss used to talk like this every morning:

"Could we get an illegal immigrant to expose himself and risk deporation to come on the show? Tell him if he's on TV, the public will support him. Could we get a street prostitute who is in trouble with her pimp to debate with a politician about the legalisation of prostitution? Tell her she might get famous. Can we get someone suffering from leprosy in a debate about the importance of physical attractiveness? Tell them we're raising awareness or something. Can we get someone who has been raped or abducted? Offer them a wig if they need it? Someone terminally ill? Bingo!"

It was so vile, I left as soon as I could get out of my contract.

But the point is that "society" would watch this show and they would sympathise with the prostitute, the illegal immigrant, the rape-victim, the terminally ill person BECAUSE THEY WERE ON TELEVISION. Because that person's particular wedge of the human condition was commercialised and packaged up in a glossy TV show and fed to them in a manageable bite (wouldn't want it to be too grizzly and realistic or that would put them off) while they drank their cup of afternoon tea.

Yanbu and it's an important message any day of the year

I treat terminally and chronically ill and each and every one of them have needed time to just be sad, scared and fucked off with the crap that is their life at the minute and that's NORMAL.

Most try to paste on a smile going out my door to reassure family and that's hard to watch. There is like you say an expectation of "brave battles" which most people just aren't able for…it's heartbreaking to watch.

Hedge
because even though this has happened nobody is actually talking about children dying of cancer are they?

Somehow, despite this being what has happened, this being the most important thing about the whole story

no one is talking about it. They talk about the money.

Its easier to talk about the money.

But I am the one being accused of being insensitive and goady and whatever.

I completely understand you OP.

My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990....she died just before Christmas last year after multiple recurrences and eventual metastasis, and she did a lot of fund-raising.

She was an amazing person...giving, warm, kind etc. She was an absolute inspiration to anyone who met her...but that was just how she was. Nothing to do with her illness. She would have been the same without cancer...and cancer would be the same without her. I get frustrated when people talk about "battles" and "fighting". People are people....diseases don't discriminate. While we should not look down on people who are ill who do amazing things...we should not only acknowledge them for it...

It is always sad when someone dies...just because they didn't do loads in the public eye does not mean their loss is any less...there are still people who loved that person...

I have always thought of people who behave like this....We call people who constantly strive to take the spotlight "glory hounds". I think that people who seems to thrive from sharing misery "despair hounds".

Maybe I seem harsh...but I've been through losing my best friend and mother...I don't need the public to accept them.

I understand people are affected by stories in the public eye, and there's nothing wrong with feeling sorrow at the loss of a person BECAUSE they are in the public eye. I just sometimes find that I ask the question....would you have cared if they weren't in the papers.

I guess you could answer "Well we wouldn't have heard of them", and that's a fair point, but it is something worth considering.

What do you want to be said about the children dying of cancer though?

Whatever is said we will all agree it's shit, and then thoughts will turn to what can be done to help. And that's why the talk ends up being about money, because there's bugger all else a stranger can do except give money.

OP, I want to say I understand but I don't, because I have not the first clue about the realities of your life or the things you've had to face. So saying I understand seems utterly trite. But I do sympathise so much because I can imagine that the media coverage of late has been incredibly upsetting for you in particular in a way I just can't begin to comprehend. I can't imagine the feelings it all brings up.

But I will hold your hand and listen.

for you OP because it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Social media does give people a heightened sense of involvement - leading to them being 'devastated' at the loss of someone who they did not actually know. They read the news story, feel sad, ensure everyone knows how sad they are by posting online about, but then go back to their real lives totally unscathed. Nothing has really changed for them. Whereas the people personally involved are still reeling. I think it's wrong.

Good god this is mean spirited in the extreme.
It was HIS cancer, he chose to make it public, HE chose to live out his battle on social media and doing so he raised shit loads of money and awareness. People say they feel sad and you have an issue with you? You'd have to have a swinging brick to NOT feel sad about it ffs. If it was a child who'd not raised loads of money and not been on social media i'd still feel sad as I have empathy.