...to be really upset about this? Bit of a long one...

[notaflamingclue]

First AIBU thread so try and be gentle ladies...

DD, nearly 15 months, has had a hell of a time of it recently with an unexplained limp. This week she has had blood tests, x-rays and an ultrasound and been examined by about 15 different healthcare professionals. She can spot a doctor at 20 paces, white coat or no, and she's been really upset at every examination and test. Happily there is nothing structurally wrong but last night the consultant wanted to repeat her bloods this morning, and for some reason in order to do this they wanted us to stay in over night (remember she's perfectly well in herself, she just has a limp). He was not at all worried about her overall health and felt that the limp was likely to just go of its own accord.

Against my better judgement I agreed to stay overnight and spent over 2 hours trying to settle her to sleep on a very busy surgical ward for children of all ages. We had a teenager, a very unwell (and therefore crying) little girl of about 3 and several youngsters who were having operations either yesterday evening or this morning. The place was like Piccadilly Circus - which I totally understand is unavoidable, but of course meant that DD was totall manic and unable to settle. This after an incredibly stressful day and next to no naps.

She eventually had the inevitable meltdown and I went out to the nurses' station to ask if there was anywhere quieter that I could take her, because she was unable to settle down. The nurse finally looked up at me, gave a funny little laugh and said, "What do you expect me to do about it?".

I was so flabbergasted I must've mumbled a few things like, "She's not even ill; this is ridiculous (in response to her attitude, not necessarily the situation)", to which the reply I got was, "Well that's what the doctor says, I'm just here to do my night shift."

I didn't handle it well at all. I rushed back to the bay as quickly as possible, and said I'd call my partner to come and pick us up, and sat crying to myself waiting for him. When we left the nurses said that they had already informed the team looking after her that we were going and said to me that I had been "very aggressive when I came to speak to them." Not once, in over 2 hours, had they come to check on DD and they seemed to me to display a staggering lack of empathy, given that they are on a paediatric ward and dealing with parents of ill children all day.

I honestly don't think I was aggressive. I was definitely frustrated, worried and upset, but I was not aggressive. I asked for help and they humiliated me, then the nurse and her colleague closed ranks and proceeded to try and gaslight me into thinking I may have been aggressive.

So, AIBU to complain about this? I hope not, because I already have. I hasten to add that DD definitely did not need medical attention overnight and so I know that she did not miss out on any crucial treament.

I think noise and upset children at night is par for the course on a paediatric ward. What were you hoping the nurse would do? Presumably they suggested staying over (as you talk about 'last night') to avoid the need to come back again in a few hours?

Sorry op but I think yabu.

They don't give out hospital beds willy nilly to people who do not need them, surely on the doctors say so she should have stayed there overnight.

The nurse was quite right in saying "Well that's what the doctor says, I'm just here to do my night shift."

I can imagine that you did not realise how aggressive your tone was as you mumbled 'She's not even ill; this is ridiculous'.

You even admit you didn't handle it well.

I hope your dd gets well soon.

I know it was upsetting, I had to study in overnight with my DD once when she was just being observed and it was awful. It was noisy and busy and I wasn't offered anything to eat and drink and I couldn't go and get anything because my 3 year old was terrified. DH was away and my mum was on holiday but luckily another family member drove over an hour to bring me a sandwich!!!
Sadly these wards are just like that and if complaining helps then YANBU but I think you might have to just accept it, move on and hope you don't have to g back.
Hope your DD is better soon

Ha! I can't believe people are saying it was reasonable for the nurse to say "what do you want me to do about it?" and "I'm just here to do my night shift". So unprofessional, rude, and unhelpful. Even though there was (probably) nothing she could have done, a bit of sympathy and reassurance would have gone a long way in that situation. It's a difficult, stressful job, but there's no excuse for speaking to people like that imo.

as you said she wasn't unwell - just staying overnight to get early morning tests so there was o reason to check every two hours.

yes mis communication form nurse but a children's ward IS a noisy place at night. -if you can next time offer to stay home and come back early in the morning.

It's a difficult, stressful job, but there's no excuse for speaking to people like that imo.

This.

I think people are too ready to think 'aggressive' when they should be thinking 'frustrated' or 'understandably upset'.

Thanks to those who have realised that I totally get that children's wards are noisy. Thank you for getting that I was asking if IABU to be upset at being spoken to like that. It wasn't that she couldn't do anything - it was that she spoke to me like I was some shit on her shoe.

And for the record I offered to come back first thing in the morning. No-one could explain to me why this was not possible.

I too would have been upset - but I have spent many nights on children's wards with nursing staff being obstructive and unhelpful. As my DS was recovering from surgery, they eventually agreed that he could move into an empty room - but they then decided to hold a team meeting in their, rather than in the nurses office which was free and large enough.

I think a nurse saying 'I'm just here to do my night shift' is appalling - the message is 'I don't want to be here' and 'I don't care'.

You won't change things - and there are some fab nursing staff around - just sorry that you got a disinterested one. Hope your DD gets better soon.

I'm with Thecow

All the nurse had to say was "Awww - you poor thing - you look exhausted. I'm really sorry - we don't really have anywhere you can go. Just keep cuddling her and she will go off eventually. When she does just let us know at the desk and go and get yourself a cup of tea in the parents room - the secret chocolate biscuits are hidden in the cupboard behind the fridge. We'll get you straight away if she wakes up and cries."

So simple and the Op would have probably coped much better.

ps i do get it, but as you get experience of these things you elarn to ask for appts that meet your and dd needs better - so eg no overnight stay unless she really is ill and needs o/nite regular monitoring (if you live or can stay close to get there early if that is needed) . having a child who has to be monitored regularly o/nite is a right pain. being left to your own devices because she didn't need monitoring would have been what was on her notes...so no reason for nurse to come and interrupt you.

question doctors politely and get fully informed on all tests ordered, expected outcome, are they needed now or can they wait to more convenient for you time?
get dd used to hospitals and nurses ask for play specialist to come and be with her before during any procedure etc etc. ask if she can come to hiospital when she has zero appoitnemtns just to come play and get used to it if she will have regular appts. - again ask the play specialist. get books and photos from the play specialist as well.

and no there was nothing nurse could do - unless she had key to open play room at night which unlikely....

Whoops - *there

Unfortunately in the eyes of some (namely NHS staff themselves) you are not allowed to criticise doctors or nurses. Don't you know they are horribly overworked and get paid shit money etc etc. I'm not surprised some are already trying to justify this nurses rudeness towards you, and she WAS rude. She was probably correct in what she said however saying "what do you expect me to do about it" is highly unprofessional.

Quite frankly there are far too many people in the nursing profession today who shouldn't be.

Paediatric wards are a nightmare. DGS was next to a stroppy teenager who insisted on listening to music late into the night. It is a place of zero quiet and peace.

But YABU to speak to someone who is there to look after children in that way. It really puts people's backs up so what did you expect.

As a former nurse if I had been asked nicely I would have found a quiet room as asked, but too often people are rude and aggressive so my attitude would probably have been the same.

I can understand your frustration and all the stress you have been having though but the nurse probably thought 'I've got a dying child in cubicle x and this rude woman with a healthy child is kicking off over very little'!

Rhine....... Nurses are human and when someone is rude to you, uou are inclined to be abrupt back.

Yanbu

The nurse was rude and on have no time for rude nurses. A bit of empathy goes a long way.

And cats unfortunately, consultants do give our hospital beds Willy nilly. Its easier for him to say stay in than organise for the op to come back in the morning.

Well done for complaining. (I say that as a nurse)

Exactly mumoftwoyoungkids that's all it would have taken and the situation would have been completely different. The op would have remembered how kind the nursing staff were to her, and how they made her feel that her dd was cared about and treated as if she mattered. Being in hospital stressful enough without nurses making it worse. Such a horrible situation for patients/carers to feel that they can't trust the people meant to be looking after them to be kind.

Why are you assuming the OP was rude Sneeze? All she did was ask for somewhere quiet where she could take her child. All the nurse had to say in response was "no, sorry". The "what do you expect me to do out it" comment was an unacceptable way to speak someone.

And yes I'm aware nurses are human beings, but I'm also aware that a fair few of them have a massive chip on their shoulder. As you are currently demonstrating.

Ok fair enough, when someone is rude to you, you feel like being rude back, but you just can't be if you're a nurse! You have to rise above it and try to find out why the person is being rude, and try and assist them to feel better.

I've spent many nights in the children's ward with DSs1 &2 and asthma.

I cannot say that I met a single caring, kind, efficient night shift nurse during all of those times. DCs were left sobbing and throwing up while they made sure they had their breaks and chatted loudly.

shes not even ill! This is ridiculous! Plus other 'mumblings'

Strikes me as pretty rude!

Just asking for a quiet place to go because her DD was upset would have got a better response.

No doubt OP was at the end of her tether and unfortunately people in that situation would come across as aggressive. The nurse said she was aggressive for a reason. Unless she is also a liar as well as rude? She clearly felt the OP was rude herself!

When I gave birth to dd on paper everything went very very wrong.

But I am fine about it and just 5 days later described it as "a really positive experience" because the midwife treated me like I was her own child and made me feel very very cared for.

The NHS is amazing in so many ways. But it needs to remember that hospital is a terrifying place for most people - especially parents - and treat people accordingly.

Sneeze did you even read the OP properly? She made those comments following the nurses initial rudeness to her request to for someone quiet to go.

Well if she was polite initially the nurse was very wrong and she should have been met with more understanding there are plenty of quiet areas. Some nurses are total arses, I quite agree.

If OP can genuinely say she was polite then she should complain.

I have personally drafted a letter of complain against nurses on a EPU on behalf of a friend who was appallingly treated following the early loss of a much wanted baby. So I would never defend the indefensible.

When ds2 was admitted to scbu as a newborn I was argumentative with the nurses and had a full on breakdown at one point and was vile to the RN. Not once did she speak to me rudely, get arsey or do anything other than try and talk me down calmly and with respect.

The nurses on that ward were wonderful human beings who ferried me tea, sent me to bed when I was falling asleep next to his crib and came and woke me gently when he needed feeding, let me sneak cuddles in the middle of the night when the horrible doctor wasn't around to give out, told me I was doing brilliantly. And all that despite me being hysterical and rude on more than one occasion (I hadn't slept since before giving birth, had an unstitched tear and was worried and confused as to what was wrong with my baby)

There is no excuse for a nurse to speak rudely to a stressed mother, part of their job is dealing with anxious patients and families and if they can't conduct themselves respectfully and kindly they are in the wrong profession.