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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be anoyed about dp's use of porn?

31 replies

namechangepornquestion · 15/05/2014 12:00

I have name changed as I have real life friends on mumsnet and I don't want to share this with people who know me/us.

I found some porn on my dp's phone yesterday, it was video he had downloaded, nothing speacial just a standard porn video.

I was trying to uplaod a photo of our child onto his facebook, we are very open with each other's phones, I often upload videos/photos onto his facebook if I grab his phone before mine. The porn video came up along side the photos I had just taken of dc.

I looked at his download folder and there were 4 other videos he had downloaded in the last 6 months.

I'm pregnant, dp didn't want to have with me in the 1st tri (he felt the same when I was pregnant previously) he seems to like my changing shape but not relaly find me sexy, we have had sex a couple of times in the last couple of months but probably once a month, as I get bigger I expect things will get even quieter in terms of sex until I am desperate for the baby to come out, then we will hopefully have lots of sex as that is what helped evict the last baby Some of the videos were downladed before I became pregnant so it isn't just a recent thing.

I am not sure how I should feel, I feel sad that I'm not enough for him, I feel a bit disapointed that he would support an industry which is not so respectful to women (although the films were amature and self filmed, but then that makes me think maybe the women in the films don't even know, hopefully they do know and did it for fun) I am glad that he is not feeling the need to have sex with other women. I obviously don't have the right to demand he does or doesn't do anything with his own body/sexuality.

What is the reasonable emotional response to your partner looking at porn? I don't want to under/over react.

OP posts:
kali110 · 15/05/2014 12:26

Im not bothered. I look at porn too.
Its not that im not enough for him im just not around a lot of the time! He doesn't love me any less or me him.
Only thing to suggest is you speak to him about how you feel.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 15/05/2014 12:30

My partner uses porn. I use porn. We use porn together. he's been through my history on my phone and likes seeing that I watch porn. I even download some for both of us... we don't have sex every day but when we do it's great. I think porn is good! (well, apart from when it's illegal ofc)
I don't live with him so when I'm not there, we'll use porn.
You just gotta talk to him, because using porn isn't that big a deal. if my partner was using cam sites, I'd leave him. If he was talking to them and paying them for sex online i'd leave him. Porn is used for self-gratification, something to turn you on.
Nothing more nothing less. Just as Kali said, using porn doesn't make him love you any less.

kali110 · 15/05/2014 12:30

Plus im sure you are enough for him, he prob just wanted a quick release.
Goodluck with your pregnancy

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 15/05/2014 12:34

Also, I watch BDSM porn and things like that and I'm a female. I hate when people say "its so degrading to women" when a lot of women use the hardcore porn themselves. A lot of women have that fetish. makes me feel really guilty for having a fetish for someone. It puts me, a woman, in with the creepy perverts that like it too. and, self shot porn, 9 times out of then, they know it's filmed and play for the camera. Why don't you and your husband make some porn? set up a camera (with consent) and make some self-made porn. just do it as you normally would and see what comes out of it - no pun intended. Don't put it on the internet, keep it for you and him. I want to do that with my partner, think its very exciting and watching yourself will be nicer on yourself!

Thurlow · 15/05/2014 12:34

There's no reasonable, right or wrong answer to a question like this - just how you feel.

I would say you just need to tell him that you found it accidentally, and you are not comfortable with it. Don't do it in an accusatory way, have a sensible discussion about it. In this scenario it seems as though he has been using it occasionally, that's all - it is not as if you have found thousands of videos on his computer.

In this situation, in my relationship, I would expect the reaction from my OH to be embarrassment but willingness to talk about it, and agree on what you both feel comfortable with.

There are plenty of relationships where occasional porn use, and/or acknowledgement that sometimes one party masturbates without any involvement from the other party, is considered fine. But equally there are plenty of relationships where the above is not considered fine.

To offer a personal perspective, I am fine with my OH occasionally looking at is as I also occasionally look at it. It's open and honest - not in the way that he tells me he's off to do it, just that I know he does, and I know it is occasional as there aren't many opportunities for him to look at it alone. I am comfortable with the fact that his occasional use is no reflection of how he feels about me and how attracted he is to me.

But if you aren't happy with it, that is fine too.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/05/2014 12:37

I'm not interested in a man who'd rather watch porn than have sex.

squeezycheeseplease · 15/05/2014 12:38

We're too late JohnFarleyRuskin - the cool girls have got in first Sad.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2014 12:40

For goodness sake. Why do people always get called 'cool girls' and other silly phrases, just because they enjoy porn or don't mind their DPs viewing it?

It's personal preference and nothing to do with being 'cool'.

Original poster
namechangepornquestion · 15/05/2014 12:41

Thanks for sharing your different perspectives, it is good to hear that porn can be used when still having a healthy relationship.

I don't think I really wanted him to notify me when he uses porn, but I guess maybe I would like him to talk about using porn openly with me.

I'll have a chat with him.

We had a long distance relationship for a long while and sent each other videos, maybe i'll send him a video of me, I'm not sure he'd be able to see much because of my baby elephant sized bump ;)

OP posts:
squeezycheeseplease · 15/05/2014 12:43

It might be good to hear it, but it isn't true.

JeanSeberg · 15/05/2014 12:47

hopefully they do know and did it for fun

That's got to be one of the more 'interesting' takes I've read on porn.

I am glad that he is not feeling the need to have sex with other women

Seriously? You're grateful that your partner is faithful?

Thurlow · 15/05/2014 12:52

Nothing to do with being 'cool' Hmm Just to do with personal preferences. The OP asked for experiences, a few of us shared.

But of course, I forget, no woman actually enjoys porn themselves or chooses to use it themselves, they only do it to be cool or because they are terrified if they don't their OH will start shagging around or leave them...

Though OP, yes, the phrase about being glad he's not cheating on you is slightly worrying. Is that a concern for you, or just a miss-phrased sentence?

But if you're not happy with him looking at it that's absolutely fine too, don't feel you have to be ok with it just because other people are. It's a very personal thing and it's hard to change your gut feeling.

TereseaGreen · 15/05/2014 12:54

"What is the reasonable emotional response to your partner looking at porn? I don't want to under/over react."

Do not set your parameters on the ideals and expectations of others. They way you react is the way you react. No one can tell you how you are supposed to feel because they aren't you. There is no correct emotional response. There is nothing to be gained from trying to shove your own feelings into the moulds set by others.

The most poignant part of your post for me was this:

"I am glad that he is not feeling the need to have sex with other women"

That is a very low bar to set. Its a basic expectation of respectful relationships. However you feel about the porn it is not something which "prevents men from cheating". Raise your bar.

TereseaGreen · 15/05/2014 12:56

Bit of a cross post with Jean there. It is concerning OP. It was the standout comment.

Original poster
namechangepornquestion · 15/05/2014 12:59

I'm not worried about him cheating on me at all, I am grateful that he is faithful because so many of my friends have men who are idiots, if the worst my dp does is look at porn then I am lucky in comparison to many many people.

It is just a really personal thing and I have no idea how other couple do things, my instinct is that he is a grown man, what he chooses to watch/do is not for me to decide.

I don't think I would be bothered at all if we had regular sex which we did before I got pregnant, I think my feelings are a little skewed because of the lack of sex we are having at the moment, but it is unfair if I belittle his concerns about having sex with me when I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
TereseaGreen · 15/05/2014 13:03

How do you feel you are belittling his feelings?

Original poster
namechangepornquestion · 15/05/2014 13:04

How do you feel you are belittling his feelings?

I don't but if I was to say "don't be so stupid, the baby is the size of a grape and doesn't even have eyes/ears, why would that put you off sex?" which is what I think about his feelings about having sex whilst I am pregnant then it would be belittling his feelings.

OP posts:
TereseaGreen · 15/05/2014 13:09

Ok, I understand. What is his response? Did he tell you what his feelings were or have you made the assumption this is why he doesn't want to have sex? (Sorry for twenty questions - Im just trying to get an idea of what has/hasn't been discussed)

Original poster
namechangepornquestion · 15/05/2014 13:13

He has told me he doesn't want to have sex before the 12 week scan (was the same in previous pregnancies) he thinks it is such a risky time in the pregnancy that it's not worth risking sex. Strangely agter seeing the baby at the 12 week scan he is happy to have sex, his logic is that the risk of mc is much lower after 12 weeks.

We havn't had much sex due to me feeling exhausted, co-sleeping toddler and general preference for sitting and watching neflix (from both of us).

OP posts:
TereseaGreen · 15/05/2014 13:20

I cant comment on how I would react in your situation because porn causes a huge ethical dilemma for me but as far as I can comment objectively I think you need to explain how the porn, coupled with the lack of sex (for whatever reason) has caused you stress and hurt. You need to find a mutually agreeable middle ground.

PIV sex is not the be all and end all (plainly obvious by the fact he has been masturbating) so perhaps you could both set aside some time for some mutually satisfying sexual activity which doesn't involve PIV sex. That way you are retaining the closeness without anyone feeling inadequate (you) or uncomfortable (him).

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers.

gotnotimeforthat · 15/05/2014 13:20

I borrowed my partners laptop once and realised he had been looking at porn and for some reason I felt incredibly hurt. I don't know why but I did and I hated the fact that I felt so strongly about it.

I told my partner how it made me feel and he Hasn't watched any since. Instead if he is away on business and feels the need to have a 'tommy tank' he watches one of the many many many videos he has of us doing numerous things.

In his own words " I prefer to watch videos of us having sex because it is more realistic. I can look at the video and think ' I'd shag her' then come home the next day and actually do it. Most men can only dream of ever getting near their favourite porn star. I'm lucky and get to crawl into bed next to mine each night. Plus your big breast feeding boobs jiggling around make for a quick release'

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 15/05/2014 13:39

It seems he needs a myth busted here. Having sex while pregnant will not harm the baby, isn't risky and can be more enjoyable for the woman and in turn more enjoyable for your partner! A lot of men say this because they feel "put off" by having a baby in there, but in fact, its really not risky or anything at all.
Men masturbate. Women masturbate. If I'm on my own, I don't have a wild imagination, I read or watch porn. partner watches porn to get off when I'm not there.
Of course as you've said, you co-sleep. This is no one's fault, please don't think I'm saying it is Grin but obviously you can't have sex, or do anything sexual with a toddler in the bed! You need to have a night in together where its all about you and him.
You shouldn't worry about it, just talk and everything should be okay. I'm a firm believer in communication.

and yes, congratulations on your pregnancy! Thanks

ditsydoll · 15/05/2014 13:52

I don't like porn. Its totally unacceptable in my relationship and dp knows this.
There's no right or wrong answer, just how you feel. For some people porn is no issue and as long as both partners are honest about using it no harm done.
I personally wouldn't want dp wanking to people having sex in the same room as him and I don't see how watching it on a screen is hugely different. It just isn't ok with me.

Thurlow · 15/05/2014 13:55

We found pregnancy difficult in relation to our sex life too. I agree with a previous poster that you should possibly talk about non-PIV sex as the way forward? I don't think it is that unusual for a man to feel a bit uncomfortable with penetrative sex during pregnancy, but you do need to talk about it and find something that is comfortable for both of you.

SuperSophie · 15/05/2014 14:11

An interest in porn is entirely normal: an obsession isn't.

Four vids do not an obsession make.

Don't worry.