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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP present when introducing DD to friends of his family

45 replies

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 17:13

DD is 6m and MIL desperate to take her to meet a friend of her family.I am new to the area and have only met this woman once to say hello to, and to be frank 'don't know her from Adam'!!! MIL wants to take DD over there on her own to show off trophy grandchild introduce her. When I said to her that I would be more comfortable if I was present and also ideally if DP was present she acted offended. Mentioned it to DP and he didn't seem to understand why I wanted him there. DP knows the woman well and grew up alongside her kids.He also said if he had to meet a friend of my mum's for the first time with DD he would assume that my mum is a good judge of character. However none of my family live nearby and as such DP probably won't ever be in this situation.

I agree that this woman can meet DD but I wanted it to be on my terms. The lady is almost housebound so we would have to go round to hers (I haven't been there before either). She hasn't invited us personally, but MIL always says ''oh Mary is dying to meet her''.

AIBU to want DP present, as she is a friend of his family? I should probably add I have PND, part of which involves irrational thoughts about MIL taking my DD away from me/acting as if she is her mum not gran (DP knows about this). I don't know if this is clouding my judgement but I think I'm reasonable to what DP there. Help!

OP posts:
elvislives2012 · 14/05/2014 17:16

Up until the last paragraph I thought you were BU. But if you have PND and this is a manifestation of it, i don't think you are. Anything to make it easier on yourself, I think. Wine

fanoftheinvisibleman · 14/05/2014 17:17

I think I am far more laid back than alot of MNers judging by things i sometimes read on here but it wouldn't cross my mind that it was a problem. I'd be more annoyed if MIL had wanted me to waste an afternoon tagging along!

Billygoats · 14/05/2014 17:18

I think your being a bit unreasonable yes. You will be there with her and can leave when you like. You know your mil so your not alone with a stranger.

I'm sure a housebound lady would love the company bless her.

CoffeeTea103 · 14/05/2014 17:19

Yabu. Surely your dp trusts his mothers judgement.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/05/2014 17:19

If it weren't for the PND I'd say you were being ridiculously unreasonable.

DoJo · 14/05/2014 17:29

YABU, but given your situation with PND I think allowances should be made to make this situation easier for you. I think you going with them should be a reasonable compromise, but if you are really worried then your husband should at least not dismiss your concerns. Does he normally take your feelings into account, or is this par for the course with him?

Ronmione · 14/05/2014 17:34

Yabu, how long would she be gone for. If you trust your mil i honestly can't see the problem.

Would you trust your own mum to take dd?

elliejjtiny · 14/05/2014 17:37

YANBU. My DH's step nan wants to take DS4 (who has SN and health issues) round to her friends to show them what a "tragedy" his life is. I told her no and she got annoyed! She is your DD it's your decision where she goes at this age.

Anonynony · 14/05/2014 17:38

YABU

Anonynony · 14/05/2014 17:38

YABU

WooWooOwl · 14/05/2014 17:38

I can understand a but of preciousness to the extent that you don't want mil to take your baby out on her own just yet, but there is no valid reason to expect your DP to be there as well if you could go.

Even that is a little extreme, but still within the boundaries of understandable.

Takingthemickey · 14/05/2014 17:39

elliejitiny but your situation is different from OP's.

I agree with others that OP is BU; but sympathise with her PND.

Original poster
katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 17:40

She has never had DD alone,i don't trust her as she has called herself 'mummy' to DD. I would trust my own mum as I have known her 28 years and known partners mum 13 months! She doesn't want me present, she asked if she could take her on her own. So, am I to assume I'm not unreasonable to want to be present?

OP posts:
CommunistLegoBloc · 14/05/2014 17:40

YANBU to want to go with your DD. YABU to expect your DP to be there too, though I can understand and sympathise.

Original poster
katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 17:42

Oh, and she has previously joked about taking her away from me when she was holding her and DD crying to be fed, so no I don't trust her 100%

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 14/05/2014 17:42

It's bu. Not sure relevance of pnd tbh. It's weird regardless.

What do you see occurring by this housebound woman? Abuse? Kidnapping? Death by chocolate? Suffocation of grandmotherly adoration?

I do get that feeling of 'mil wants me outta the way' mines similar at times. But there's managing that and behaving oddly. This seems in the second camp not first. Sorry.

Swoosg · 14/05/2014 17:42

I don't think it's U at all to not want other people taking your baby off - MIL or not.

TheDudess · 14/05/2014 17:43

YABU. You're her mum and you will be there, so what's the problem?

Psycobabble · 14/05/2014 17:43

Your PBS is makin you unreasonable re you gettin help with it? Obsessive irrational thoughts like her stealing your baby need dealing with

Swoosg · 14/05/2014 17:44

I would just say no tbh... Sounds like you and mil don't get on so why spend an afternoon with her. She doesn't have the right to take your baby off...

Psycobabble · 14/05/2014 17:44

Your Pnd is makin you unreasonable are you gettin help with it? Obsessive irrational thoughts like her stealing your baby need dealing with

ExcuseTypos · 14/05/2014 17:45

YANBU for wanting to be present. IMO your MIL is being very rude. You've asked if you can go and she "acted all offended", yet she hasn't had your dd on her own yet.

I can understand why she wants to show her Granddaughter off, but she needs to take your wishes into consideration.

PurplePidjin · 14/05/2014 17:49

Up until you mentioned the PND i would have said you're BU too.

But you're not comfortable with how your MIL is with your dd. Which is, rationally or not, feeding into your very real and potentially very debilitating health condition. If you could trust your MIL to take your dd for a couple of hours, then I would say enjoy the break. But it sounds like you'd spend the entire time in a frenzy of panic and worry instead of sleeping and doing all the housework in a frantic 5 minutes at the end which is what i'd do which would be horrible for you and your dd.

Why does she have to go alone? If your dh likes this woman so much, why can't you all take cake and have a nice family afternoon together, maybe help her get out to a local park or cafe for some fresh air and a change of scene as she's housebound?

OnlyLovers · 14/05/2014 17:50

I don't understand this thing about MILs wanting to take babies off on their own. I'm forever reading on here about MILs wanting to take babies to another room when they're at the parents' house, asking to have the baby at their place alone overnight, etc. Is this normal? I don't have kids but it seems weird to me.

I can understand with older children, as presumably it's a favour and a bit of a break for the parents, plus they're old enough to enjoy the 'novelty' or excitement of being taken out and spoilt rotten, but presumably babies don't benefit in the same way. And I don't think I'd like the idea of a MIL taking my baby, alone, to meet anyone, family or friend or 'not known from Adam' or whoever. It's YOUR DD. Surely you get to decide where she goes?

Swoosg · 14/05/2014 17:57

My MIL asked to have my baby overnight - she had pretty much all the other gc from a young age - and when I said no, she said she had never let her MIL do that either... And that she and I were the same sort of mother.

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