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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want DP present when introducing DD to friends of his family

45 replies

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 17:13

DD is 6m and MIL desperate to take her to meet a friend of her family.I am new to the area and have only met this woman once to say hello to, and to be frank 'don't know her from Adam'!!! MIL wants to take DD over there on her own to show off trophy grandchild introduce her. When I said to her that I would be more comfortable if I was present and also ideally if DP was present she acted offended. Mentioned it to DP and he didn't seem to understand why I wanted him there. DP knows the woman well and grew up alongside her kids.He also said if he had to meet a friend of my mum's for the first time with DD he would assume that my mum is a good judge of character. However none of my family live nearby and as such DP probably won't ever be in this situation.

I agree that this woman can meet DD but I wanted it to be on my terms. The lady is almost housebound so we would have to go round to hers (I haven't been there before either). She hasn't invited us personally, but MIL always says ''oh Mary is dying to meet her''.

AIBU to want DP present, as she is a friend of his family? I should probably add I have PND, part of which involves irrational thoughts about MIL taking my DD away from me/acting as if she is her mum not gran (DP knows about this). I don't know if this is clouding my judgement but I think I'm reasonable to what DP there. Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 18:11

Thanks for your opinions, like I said I know I'm not always thinking 100% rationally atm so good to have a sounding board to see it from other sides.i know that the lady is a good gran/mum and don't think she would do anything to DD whatsoever, but she is still a stranger at the end of the day. I also think its more an issue that I don't know and trust MIL fully. As I said, am happy to go with mil to see her, so glad that bit is nbu. I have had CBT for PND, and counsellor even had to agree that MIL is overbearing so I know I'm not completely nutso on that front!

OP posts:

Swoosg · 14/05/2014 18:16

I think you are very nice to go along...

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/05/2014 18:16

Your DP has known her all his life, surely you must have known her more than 13 months if your child is already six months and pregnancy is for nine. She is the childs gran, what do you think she is going to do?

Takingthemickey · 14/05/2014 18:30

I understand PND can make you anxious...but saying you have only known your MIL for 13 months and don't yet trust her with your baby, would you be okay with it if your DP said that about your own mother as I presume he has not known her all his life.

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 18:55

No DP has not, and if he said it I would respect his feelings, but if I'm honest I think the trust level I have for my partners mum versus my own mum are two very different things. Happymummy...I have known her in passing for 17 months, been making the effort to get to know her for 13 and if you had read the previous posts you would see what I think (albeit irrationally) she is going to do.

OP posts:

StarGazeyPond · 14/05/2014 19:00

So your MIL is offering you a break when you can put your feet up, have a bubble bath, read a good book.........and you are not happy.

I would have statched her hand off !!

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 19:07

Hmmm... it sounds so simple when you put it like that. I think people are missing my point but thanks anyhow :)

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/05/2014 19:25

Still dont get it. If shes your partners mum, she is just as much a gran as your mum. Do you not let your partner have your DD alone given you havent known him for years either (presumably its 17 months as you tend to know ILS from the start).

Poor MILs, its got to be the only downside to having boys knowing that your daughter in law will likely see you as a second class citizen.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 14/05/2014 19:40

Katsnmouse - YANBU, because she's your baby and your her mum, what you feel is right is right, go with it and ignore those who say your MIL bashing, she's said horrid things to you and calls herself mummy in reference to your child, she's the one who needs counselling

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 19:50

Yes you are right in pointing out I haven't known him for years... a grand total of one month before I found out I was expecting. And yes I do trust him, although he rarely has her on his own as is a dairy farmer working 5.30am til 9/10pm. I did not know his mum from the start , and it was me that made the effort to get to know her in advance of baby being born as I knew she would be seeing much more of her than my own mum. Perhaps I would be more inclined to like her/trust her if she hadn't called herself mummy to my daughter in front of me, picking her up from me and saying ''come to mummy'', saying ''no, you can't have her back, I'm going to take her now'' and saying she finally got the little girl she wanted when I gave birth. Anyway, it wasn't about that it was about my DD going to someone else's house, to see someone I have not met, not about partners mum having her on her own.

OP posts:

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 19:53

Thanks iam...not bashing mil, just wishing she wasn't quite so o.t.t! :)

OP posts:

slithytove · 14/05/2014 19:55

YANBU

angeltattoo · 14/05/2014 19:57

YANBU at all.

It's wrong that she is saying those things, it's your mothering instinct, and not your PND that's happening here.

Do not let her say those things unchallenged; she's not your daughter's mother, and she's be put in her place very quickly if anyone told me I wasn't having my baby back. Mother, mother in law, anyone else on the planet.

I repeat - you are NBU, it's not your PND and your daughter goes only where you are comfortable with. End of.

Vivacia · 14/05/2014 20:00

I agree with angel. They don't sound like irrational thoughts when she has joked about taking your daughter away and refers to herself as "mummy". I am sure she doesn't mean it, but it sounds to me as though your instincts are kicking in.

Do what makes you happy - either grab the opportunity to have a bath or go along and brighten up this friend's day or say, "we're not quite ready for that yet".

Rosieliveson · 14/05/2014 20:03

Even though it seems a bit U, I'd be (and am) the same.
My DS is also a trophy to his DGPs and it makes me uncomfortable. I also can't quite rely on my ways/routines being followed as "GCs are for spoiling" (yes but not an 8 month old grrr) I have started to say "ooh, I love showing off my baby. I'll come too "

After the first pursed mouth reaction it now goes down fine (even if I am bored for a bit!!)

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/05/2014 20:04

Perhaps I would be more inclined to like her/trust her if she hadn't called herself mummy to my daughter in front of me, picking her up from me and saying ''come to mummy'', saying ''no, you can't have her back, I'm going to take her now'' and saying she finally got the little girl she wanted when I gave birth.

Your suspicion of this woman has nothing to do with PND.

If anyone had said the above to me when either of my babies were 6 months - or even now - there would have had to be some serious grovelling done before they'd get to be in the same room as them again!

And even after that, there would have been a very direct starey eyed conversation which made it crystal clear to them that if they wanted to play any role in my daughter's life, they needed to understand that it would be about one thousand miles away from that of mummy!

Here's your reply to your inappropriate, boundary-crossing MIL:

'Fine about Mary meeting DD, but I'll be there too, she's 6 months, and that means she comes with me. And when it comes to someone who has a habit of calling themselves mummy in front of her, that goes double. Don't call yourself mummy, you aren't, it pisses me off, and if you do it again you'll see a lot less of her. Be a fab granny and you'll see her loads. Try and muscle in on parenting my daughter and you won't see her for dust.'

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/05/2014 20:05

Oh, and 'Don't you ever dare touch my daughter and tell me I can't have her back - do that again, and I won't want you to have anything to do with her.'

RabbitSaysWoof · 14/05/2014 20:14

Yeah say what Bruno said.
YADNBU My blood would boil if someone did that to me.

Original poster

katsnmouse · 14/05/2014 20:44

Angel,vivacia,rosie,bruno,rabbit...ty!i feel a bit better now. Bruno that's some good advice..my sentiments exactly. She can be gran, but DD doesn't need a second mum.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/05/2014 22:09

It would be a nice thing to do to visit an old friend of DP's family who is housebound. Nicer still if he made the effort too but farming this time of yr isn't for the lazy and you don't say how far away she is.

Your baby is 6mo, yanbu to go with her with or without PND. End of. Plus it's always nice to have your baby admired.

Re your MIL. My advice would be to sit her down and ask her to hear you out. Say that her past behaviours have upset you, your child already has a mother but needs a grandmother and you'd like them to have a close relationship. Her desire to whisk your 6 mo away from you for visits to someone YOU've never met for an unspecified length of time, when she has never looked after her solo is not helping to build your trust in her. It's v easy to think you know what you're doing when you've raised your own, but everyone forgets the little stuff about a small baby.
Then say something nice about her, say you'd like to visit too, and suggest some babysitting to build trust and their relationship.

My family don't live in the UK. I always try to remember that it is my DH and MIL who would bring up my children if anything happened to me. It helps me when she says similarly mad things and wants week long solo care holidays with my 3yo. We allowed two days as a starter and there's been no suggestion of such a long period since

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