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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend has saucy letters from his past

46 replies

Tulip1011 · 13/05/2014 09:38

I've just moved in with my bf and as part of the moving in process have uncovered a load of extremely sexual love letters from an ex. I was a bit shocked and upset (mainly as he chucks my cards to him away!). When I confronted him he was annoyed that I had read a couple of them and said they were from 20years ago when he had a long distance relationship and wrote daily to this girl he was in love with. He says he reads them occasionally for nostalgia. I feel unhappy about them being in the house, if we have kids they might read them? I feel weirdly threatened by them. I know I can't tell them to chuck them (and he won't), I understand having some cards and photos but this upsets me. Do I need to just get over it? Am I right to say if we get married he should throw them?

OP posts:

HannerHet · 13/05/2014 09:41

I think you need to calm down a bit. He is your boyfriend, and you have just started living together. Why did you read them anyway? Would you like him snooping through your stuff?

annielouise · 13/05/2014 09:42

Just tell him to put them somewhere no one else can come across them and forget them. The problem is you read them - presumably without his permission (if he let you that's weird). Put them high up in a cupboard away from the kids and forget them.

gordyslovesheep · 13/05/2014 09:43

yabu you have no right to demand he throw them away - I still have letters from 25+ years ago - I don't hanker after the letter writers in any way

londonrach · 13/05/2014 09:44

I had some letters from an ex similar to this. When I got married i planned to throw them away but never got around to it as think they in the loft at my parents somewhere. (Makes mental note to locate and throw when next I visit them). Can understand why you upset but they are from 20 years plus. In time you might find he gets rid of them away. At moment I'd leave this argument.... Although i question if he still has feeling for letter writer.

londonrach · 13/05/2014 09:45

Also you not married to him yet, just a boyfriend and a new relationship. Just enjoy being with him at the moment.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 09:45

Am I right to say if we get married he should throw them?

Woah woah woah.. slow down you're only just moving in!

I think YABU. I have a massive memory box full of stuff like this, I don't fancy anyone in it but it's for my benefit so I can look back on time's in my life.

You shouldn't have read them!

HecatePropylaea · 13/05/2014 09:46

are they sexual enough that they are actually an aid to masturbation rather than being kept for sentimental reasons? where does he keep them?

They are his property, of course, and he is free to do what he wants, but he isn't that sentimental if he chucks cards away from the person he is currently in love with but keeps stuff from someone he once knew.

So I wonder if the key word here is sexual.

Or maybe I am being unfairly cynical.

NickiFury · 13/05/2014 09:46

They're his memories. If only there was a way to surgically remove them from his brain also OP. Would that make you happy?

schokolade · 13/05/2014 09:49

I'm a but shocked that you read them tbh. I wouldn't read a letter with my DHs name at the top.

I don't think they're anything to worry about, especially if he doesn't see the ex anymore. Maybe just something to remind him of times gone by, a nice period in his life?

AllThatGlistens · 13/05/2014 09:49

Yep, totally unreasonable. As long as he keeps them in a safe, private space you have no right to ask him to throw his personal correspondence away.

They're from 20 years ago! No different to going back and reading old diaries imo.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/05/2014 09:53

I still have letters from an ex that I would run into a burning building to save.

They're not sexual though. I'd find that creepy and worry he was wanking over them.

Hah, just noticed Hec has beaten me to it.

Goblinchild · 13/05/2014 09:54

I've got numerous ones from old lovers. Been married 30 years and it's never occurred to OH to be jealous or controlling about them. They are in a memory box, where they belong, read occasionally.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/05/2014 10:03

You snooped and then you "confronted" about five minutes after you moved in with him. They are his letters and they are none of your business. Everybody is entitled to have a past and his experiences and memories are not yours to own, interfere with or demand they be discarded. Get over yourself.

shakethetree · 13/05/2014 10:08

Sorry op, just laughing at 'Saucy' - is your boyfriend Sid James?

But back to the point. I'd be a bit miffed actually.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2014 10:14

No, he has a right to keep them, they're nothing to do with you, OP.

Why though does he chuck away your cards to him? Are you sending them all the time or something? That's not very nice of him unless you are creating a paper mountain.

BolshierAyraStark · 13/05/2014 10:15

Is it more the fact that he discards things from you but has kept these letters that bothers you as that would piss me off too-by doing this it would seem he's placing more importance on the Ex.

Leave it a few days then have a calm conversation about it.

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 13/05/2014 10:23

My dh has a box of old love letters. I haven't snooped (might do when he dies) but I don't feel threatened at all. There would be some from me in there too im sure.

I think it is lovely that he has these memories and I think yabu to demand he gets rid of them. That seems quite emotionally controlling to me.

LayMeDown · 13/05/2014 10:24

I have letters from an old boyfriend (also a long distance relationship). I have a lot of letters from that time when I was abroad from family and friends and I have kept them all. I would never throw any of them away. I havent read them in years but they are personal and part of my past and someone took time and effort to write and send them to me. I am sure the ones from my ex do have a sexual content since we were having sex, but that would have not been the main point of them.
I would take a VERY dim view of DH reading these behind my back - if he asked Id let him as there is nothing to be ashamed of in them and they predated him by years. And I would be outraged if he expected me to destroy my memories to salve his ego and soothe his insecurities.

Your boyfriend has a past, so what?

BigRedBall · 13/05/2014 10:34

Hahahaha, I'm also laughing at "saucy" letters. Have you jumped over here from 1973?

Seriously though, you've just moved in. You have no children, so thinking that far ahead is a bit silly isn't it? Why don't you write him a "saucy" letter?

FreckledLeopard · 13/05/2014 10:37

I've kept all my love letters, from when I was a teenager onwards. I'd never throw them out, even if I never read them.

YABU

gnushoes · 13/05/2014 10:45

let him put them away somewhere. Forget about them. not your business.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/05/2014 10:48

Hmm. I am rather with team Hec.

Fine to keep old letters from exes, I certainly have. It's not about them, but the fact that they represent and remind me of MY past. They're bits of my history. Certainly not good for you to a. snoop and b. think you should have the right to demand he doesn't keep his mementos.

BUT.

The specifics change this a bit and if I were you yes I'd be pretty pissed off that -

He keeps these 'memories' but throws your cards away - right, so the 'it's my history' argument gets a bit thin. Not bothered about being sentimental about stuff from you who he's moved in with? So difficult to argue this for these letters unless it's simply about her, or the fact that they're very sexual.

They're very sexual and he re-reads them. WTF?! Letters I have from exes with anything 'saucy' (love that) in are hmm, the ones that would get skimmed while I grimace slightly. Not AT ALL acceptable to pore over sex chat from an ex. Not on at ALL. I'd be immensely fucked off.

Put the two facts together and I'd say these are kept because he gets off on them, not because of sentiment. So yes I'd be asking him to get rid.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/05/2014 10:51

This must be about how explicit these letters are otherwise why worry.

If you think he re-reads them every night with a box of tissues then yes I can see why you're upset, otherwise get a grip, they're old, they can't damage your relationship.

DH was surprised when I impulsively purged a photo album (outs self as old gimmer) pre our engagement, (NB the pictures weren't even saucy) as he thought it was part of my history and I had every right to have pictures of old boyfriends.

Bowlersarm · 13/05/2014 10:55

It wasn't your business to read them, and you shouldn't have done.

His past is nothing to do with you. You weren't there.

YABU.

cantbelievethisishppening · 13/05/2014 10:58

You need to get a grip. Serves you right for snooping through is private letters. Can't stand that sort of behaviour.

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