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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend has saucy letters from his past

46 replies

Tulip1011 · 13/05/2014 09:38

I've just moved in with my bf and as part of the moving in process have uncovered a load of extremely sexual love letters from an ex. I was a bit shocked and upset (mainly as he chucks my cards to him away!). When I confronted him he was annoyed that I had read a couple of them and said they were from 20years ago when he had a long distance relationship and wrote daily to this girl he was in love with. He says he reads them occasionally for nostalgia. I feel unhappy about them being in the house, if we have kids they might read them? I feel weirdly threatened by them. I know I can't tell them to chuck them (and he won't), I understand having some cards and photos but this upsets me. Do I need to just get over it? Am I right to say if we get married he should throw them?

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/05/2014 10:59

Have you no respect for privacy?

If anybody went through my personal letters they would not enter my house again

shakethetree · 13/05/2014 11:02

But it's not his past is it? - it's his here & now.
He's kept the letters & he's still reading them - that to me is disrespectful & a sign that he's pining for something - her? - the past? - his youth? - either way I'd be very unhappy about it.
We all have a past, but that's where I keep it.

SaucyJack · 13/05/2014 11:03

I wouldn't like it either tbh, but I have a terrible jealous streak.

My DP has a diary and letters he's kept from a previous bad relationship, and it's full of angst and longing and heartbreak. He showed it to me and if I'm honest I did worry that our stable, functional relationship was boring in comparison. All we ever "write" to each other are texts about shopping lists or FB links of cat videos.....

It's probably a similar worry for you. Nothing looks as passionate on paper as young love- although in reality true, adult relationships win hands down. Just remember that you're (hopefully) far too busy having actual sex to be writing to him about it.

Goblinchild · 13/05/2014 11:04

It doesn't sound as if this relationship is going to work out really.

Davsmum · 13/05/2014 11:05

Instead of wondering/worrying about why he keeps the letters and won't get rid - you should concentrate on why YOU feel so threatened and why you feel the need to read his private stuff.

He is doing nothing wrong,...You are the one who has been unreasonable.

I agree he should put them in a private place where no one can just get hold of them - but I suspect he will do that now anyway, now he knows you will snoop into his stuff!

Goblinchild · 13/05/2014 11:08

Yup, read his texts and emails, analyse all his female encounters and interactions...MN could write the script over the next year really.

Bowlersarm · 13/05/2014 11:08

shakethetree they are from his past, the aren't recent letters. It really isn't on IMO for a new partner to dictate that everything from someone's past is eradicated.

If I were the ops boyfriend I would buy myself a box with a key and lock anything away I didn't want her to see. Snooping isn't on. I would be furious.

twofingerstoGideon · 13/05/2014 11:10

Sorry, another one saying you shouldn't have read them. I've kept all sorts of stuff from decades ago, including letters from old flames.. Doesn't mean I want to reignite anything.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/05/2014 11:10

So what if he does read them,they belong to him perhaps he likes a trip down memory lane every now and then,perhaps he reads them and thinks "wow I'm bloody lucky I've got tulip now"

tobiasfunke · 13/05/2014 11:13

If I moved in with someone and they went through private letters and then confronted me I would dump them ASAP. Firstly because they looked through stuff they know they shouldn't and secondly they were so insecure that they felt threatened by something that happened years ago.

littleballerina · 13/05/2014 11:14

Saucyjack- Agree.

I'm very insecure at times (only when it comes to dps stupidly beautiful ex but I'm getting over that!) so wouldn't like this but then I wouldn't have read the letters in the first place. What on earth made you read them? Why wasn't he sorting his own belongings?

Can you get over this? Can you forget what you've seen and accept that it is his past and also can he forgive you for snooping?

How long have you been together? and is this the only time you've had trust issues?

ComposHat · 13/05/2014 11:27

If I were you partner I would be saving myself the bother of unpacking and going to see a letting agent I'd feel like it was a gross invasion of my privacy snd wouldn't want to live with someone who'd done this. If uou want to preserve your relationship I'd apologise to your partner and accept that a mature adult will hace a sexual and relationship history, sone of which they may regard fondly.

If this had been a bloke rifling through his partners letters and wanting to know about their sexual history, obsessing over past relationships, shortly after they'd there would be more red flags going up than a Marxist semaphore operators' conference.

Lauren83 · 13/05/2014 11:38

Call me controlling/a bad partner etc but I would also be not happy about this, DP has photos of him and ex and that's fine but the sexual tone to the letters I would really be unhappy about, as I would if he kept any sexy pictures

alAswad · 13/05/2014 11:40

OP, when you say he throws away your cards, what sort of cards do you mean? If it's just the 'Dear TulipsBF, Happy Birthday! Love Tulip' sort then I completely understand him throwing them out, especially as he's presumably hoping to be with you for long enough to get several more... If it's longer letter-type cards then I can understand you being upset.

I don't think I'd be too angry with someone I was moving in with for reading my old letters out of curiosity, provided they were in an obvious place and it wasn't a case of deliberately going through my stuff. I would be extremely pissed off though if they read them and then declared that they were upset by their presence while they hadn't even got as far as moving in properly, and would probably seriously reconsider my relationship with someone so insecure and mistrustful.

shakethetree · 13/05/2014 11:41

But she didn't snoop, she uncovered the letters in the moving in process.
& the fact that he throws her cards away ...sorry, but most women would feel a bit annoyed at this.

struggling100 · 13/05/2014 11:41

Get him to put them in a box in the loft and forget about it!

Goblinchild · 13/05/2014 11:42

Some people are possessive and controlling, some aren't. You just need to be with a partner who suits you if the relationship has a chance of lasting.
My OH has traits that would make him impossible for some women to live with him but that don't bother me. Jealousy isn't one of them, I'd find a snoop impossible too.
So the OP needs to find someone that matches her and won't make her fret and fume, and it doesn't sound like this boyfriend is the one for her.

Davsmum · 13/05/2014 11:49

shakethetree

OP DID snoop ! She CHOSE to read some of the letters - it was not an accident.
As for most women feeling annoyed about a bf throwing away old cards?... are most women mad?
I can understand a teenager getting a bit upset about stuff like that - but a grown woman?

Original poster

Tulip1011 · 13/05/2014 20:59

Ok thanks for the wake up call. I've obviously been a bit of a muppet. Time to grovel...

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 13/05/2014 21:01

Well done, OP, great response. It must be difficult when you think you are right. Thank heavens for MN

littlewhitebag · 13/05/2014 21:05

I have all my old love letters from past boyfriends tucked away in the attic including loads from DH when we were going out (old gimmer from time when letters were sent). DH has NEVER looked at these and never would. He knows i want to keep them and respects that.

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