to ask you if you went through some really rough patches with your partner after baby?

[Toizzy]

that's it really, would like to hear people's experiences

Just seen your update. So sorry it has been feeling tough for a while. I do agree with other posters though that sometime for dads to adjust, and it can feel like you have lost yourself. I have no advice, but be kind to each other and keep coming here for support if you need it.

Absolutely. Having a baby (a surprise one at that) as a massive life change for us and it took us (especially me) a log time to adjust mentally.

By the time we had settled in we had both become so complacent in our relationship - we were in a same thing every day routine and neither of us were being open and honest with each other because we thought everything was fine on the other side and didn't want to rock the boat.

In the end it took a big argument and a few home truths from both sides for us to realise, but since then things are better than ever and we both communicate far more openly as a result.

I hope you and your DH get through this and in my experience it DOES get easier as baby gets older.

Oh OP I could have written that exact post when my ds was just turning one - his arrival changed our relationship hugely and we were really happy before - honestly, we were one of those sickening couples that our friends said they wanted to be like. Just always agreed and got along! When ds was about 9 months divorce was mentioned, and it was during a row about his sleep. I truly believe that bad sleepers test a relationship MUCH more than easier babies. It just takes so much longer for life to go back to even a semblance of what it was. Plus being that knackered stops you thinking straight about anything. To a certain extent you just have to ride it out but on a practical level night weaning is almost certain to help the sleep a bit. I think you need to hold onto the fact that if your relationship was good before you will get back there one day soon. It is very normal to question this I think. Fwiw we are doing better now and ds is 22 months - he still doesn't sleep through the night (sorry!) but it's far more manageable. We make the effort to compliment each other and have sex when we have the energy! I also try not to sweat the small stuff like DH dressing ds in random outfits. Just want to sympathise, you are not alone. I don't think I would believe anyone who said a new baby improve their relationship tbh!!

For us, the key has been to keep reminding each other we are both beginners at all of it, to let the other person do things in their own way and to get exercise and fresh air (cheers the baby up too). We have bickered a lot since becoming parents, way more than ever before, and we we were together for 14 years before having DD so you'd think we'd have better coping strategies, but it's a whole new ball game. Good luck OP and hang in there!

We had a child who didn't sleep through until 18 months and was very clingy...to the point we spent 5 months of DH sleeping on the sofa as our bed wasn't big enough to co-sleep.

Our experience was that things DO get easier, especially when sleeping is better as being tired is just shit and you end up so grumpy...life becomes a grind and the fun just goes.

You NEED to keep talking. It seems like you are open to change and to accept things he says so if he is the same you need to sit down and be straight with each other. The very young child stage doesn't last and you just have to find ways to get through it. I found the first 18 months incredibly hard personally and it's only really now (she's 3) that I've started to get what I feel is "me" back.

You need to try and make a bit of time for yourselves. Even if it's just to watch a film and have a cuddle. Little things help. Making a cup of tea....noticing they've had a shit day and just doing something little to lift their mood (this goes for both of you). You want to feel valued as a person and not just a parent.

Communication, communication, communication! Seriously. If you both love each other and can accept that this situation is something that is happening to both of you and isn't caused by either of you alone, then you have common ground to work on.

oh god yes it was horrible you just dont realise what a baby is going to be like I was a bit smug cos i worked with children HA ! we used to fight over who was more tired we just biickered a lot about nothing, our sex life went downhill it took almost 2 years to get back to normal ,

I do think two years is the standard....no amount of research, parenting forums etc can prepare you. I remember reading about night feeds and thinking, oh yeah we'll be fine. But when you get to 18 months of not having a single night of unbroken sleep (I'm aware some people have it even worse) you do start to feel desperate. You think you're never going to get your life back. You feel like a robotic drone who's only purpose is to try and satisfy a seemingly unsatisfiable small person who you can't reason with. Toddlers are DAMN hard....even now, I feel frazzled most of the time. It's so easy to take it out on each other when you're both tired and miserable. One day at a time. Try and steer him towards similar support if you can. If he can hear from other Dads (or even Mums) that what you're going through is totally normal and WILL most probably get significantly better, maybe it will help.

I had only been with my partner for five months when I got pregnant and I think everyone expected us to split up tbh. It was very hard, we were completely unprepared for it but I think we made it purely because we were in that honeymoon period of a new relationship where the other person is wonderful and you are still on best behaviour.

It's now seven years later and we are married with two dc. I see friends who have been together ten years + with more stale relationships struggling with bickering and resentments more than we did and I can see how that happens. Having a baby with someone is wonderful but can put a lot of pressure on a relationship.

egads, yes! It gets much much easier after the first 6 months (add a couple of months for each subsequent child!).

Remember, what doesn't kill the relationship makes it stronger within reason...

I remember muttering to myself about tiredness not being a competition at that stage Painted.

DH worked long hours and would come home and announce he was exhausted and I just used to look at him and think "I haven't slept properly for four years."

It's so important to remember to be kind to each other. And very difficult when you feel like the bare bones of yourself.

God yes. Massive change + no sleep + differing views on how to approach parenting issues we were both new to = biting each other's heads off. And we were rock solid before (and are again now). TBH just agreeing to do everything DP's way was a winner!

Yes. He felt like I showed him no affection. I felt like he wasn't looking after me like I needed him to, and wasn't pulling his weight around the house.

We started booking marriage time in the calendar, and going out just the 2 of us. It was almost as if we'd forgotten each other. Even if the baby was sleeping our focus was still on him.

Sleep deprivation makes things much worse.

I agree with pretty much everyone else, it is so hard in that first year. DH did not pull his weight and his life went back to normal. He also expected me to carry on with doing some things that I had always done (feeding his mum and sisters cat for a whole weekend when DS was 5 weeks, and then picking them up from the station when they came home).

It took a massive row to sort things out, but it is one of the reasons that I refused to have any more kids. DH really wanted another, and promised the earth, but I knew it wouldn't happen and if would be the end of us.

Its good to recognise that these are the tough years coming up and yes everyone i know has rough patched, esp with small demanding un controllable children. go easy on yourselves/

Actually the first year was actually a bit easier for us, since we expected most of the sleep deprivation, lack of sex etc, plus we had family back up. We had a really bad second and third year when we moved so lost our networks, DD started showing her very strong personality, still wasn't sleeping much, DH became a workaholic maybe he wanted to stay away from home, I had huge bouts of self doubt where I thought I was never going to be a confident, independent woman ever again...
Talk to each other please, that's the best advice I can give you. Even if you feel it's over, talking about it will help you see where you stand. Don't bottle it up, don't be ashamed of needing help from each other, don't feel inadequate for not being supermum. And try to do something together, get a babysitter, friend, family, anyone, and go out for a while. Our big breakthrough came when we left DD with friends for a day and went to the beach for an entire afternoon. We suddenly realized that we had not had any fun at all for a very long time, where previously our relationship was all about unpredictable fun stuff.
DD is 4 now and we have finally turned the corner I think.

Absolutely! 2 years of therapy later!

I will tell you our main problems if it might sound at all familiar, I hope it will help.

it all stemmed from both of us feeling under appreciated/misunderstood (cliche!)
I lost my sense of identity which I did not expect as I couldn't wait to leave work and be a mum.
I felt DH was too hard on me and somewhat controlling.
He felt I didn't realise how much pressure he had undertaken.
I felt let down that he was taking financial risks by setting up his own business this leading to me feeling financially insecure at an already vulnerable time- I felt he was being selfish.
He felt I was being unsupportive fighting against him instead of working as a team and standing behind him.
I felt inadequate and judged like I was no longer 'equal'.
He felt like he had to constantly reassure me.
What compounded it more was that he is 10 years older and so a lot of my in-confidence and need for reassurance was fairly natural.

That and physically we drifted apart in a big way. (Big). I hated the way my (previously young, perfect and sexy) body was chewed up and spat out.

I resented being 25 and feeling restricted. Not having the freedom to just arrange a night out without ensuring it was planned and he could watch DD yet when he wanted a drink after work he wouldn't ask, just simply state 'I'm out with suchandsuch tonight.
He had the added excuse that it was often involving associates or business contacts and good for networking so to stop him would be to not put his job as a priority and thus being selfish. I felt like a middle aged boring woman while he was 10 years older and could still have a thriving social life.

3 years later we are doing much better and I feel what didn't destroy us really did make us stronger.

Things began to improve when we hit rock bottom and were told by a wise old man- your family comes first. Nothing else. Whatever gets in the way be it work, friends, extended family... No one else matters but you, your husband/wife and child. Put them ahead of everything else.

Sorry it's long! Hope this helps. X

Yes yes yes! Came home. Dd 8 days old. Husbands dad died, horrific, he checked out and tbh has notvreallychecked back in 8 months later.

People who say they have a baby to "bring them closer together" ARE TOTALLY MENTAL.

OP we nearly broke up! God it was hard - the constant sleepless nights and arguments about who is th most tired mature

What helped me was counselling/ anti d's (though I was depressed - these are not for everyone obv! / and mainly talking to friends and hearin back how they were going through the exact same. When you know its so common it is immensely reassuring. We are doing much better now- so much so we see havig another :)

Kelly1814 they're not mental, they just have a severe case of amnesia :) It can bring you together in the long term, promise!

Wow I feel much better glass of wine is helping

I know I'm in a bit of a mess with night feedings... some nights are ok with him only waking up once or twice but they are quite rare and most of the time it's a least three.If I am lucky he has a nap just after lunch,for an hour but hardly ever sleeps at the weekend which drives me crazy because I tell my dp that he sleeps ok in the week!

I also know it's terrible wrong but he only ever feeds to sleep...I feel a bit ashamed tbh as I've clearly messed that up,no wonder he is a bad sleeper.

Dp is great with ds and takes him for a walk after work for example while I have a shower or something but it's just so short.We've only been out once without baby as a couple for 1h1/2.
We haven't got family close enough to leave him (and tbh I didn't fancy leaving him before now) and can't really afford a babysitter. So it's just all about ds.
As I said I think I do need to pick my battles I realize I have been going on about petty things that I don't even really care about that much

I am actually going to stop breastfeeding now anyway because I've had enough,I'm going to start weaning him tomorrow.I was aiming for a year but 11 months will do,I just feels it time now.

When he came home from work he gave me a very affectionate kiss,so I guess we are ok

I would like to answer each post but my exhausted brain would find that too difficult but I have read each one and they are all very useful.

Thank you so much

My now XP left me last month over exactly these issues. He said he felt like I was just a mum now and we never did anything alone together. I should "loosen the reins" and leave DS with MiL most weekends as she wouldn't mind I bloody would.

He couldn't accept that the baby years are so hard and that actually now (at 17 months) things are just getting easier. He has form for acting dramatically and refusing to talk about things. He says that it doesn't feel the same as when we got together 10 years ago and he can't accept anything less.

It seems to be very common that men find the adjustment a massive shock but talking is always a good place to start.

OP if you want to keep bfing until a year,you could try just night weaning. It made a. Big difference to my dd's sleep. I also moved the last feed to before bath time so wasn't feeding to sleep and that helped too.

Don't want to derail but...
Fandango- that is very unrealistic of him to think a relationship can stay the same after 10 years. I can understand him wanting to feel content, loved, cherished... Still have passion etc, but how is it possible for a relationship to stay 'the same' when life and people change?
That makes me really sad
If only people were more aware of the reality of life and relationships. It can't always be fireworks and butterflies and romance and complete and utter devotion.
If people want to progress in life, it can sometimes get a little tough! That's when you need to focus on what's important.
Sorry for rant

I gave him that same rant nunyabiz. The annoying thing is he admits we're best friends, have great sex, love each other etc but he needs that spark. I think we were bloody lucky to have it 10 years tbh and if he can't see that relationships change (and mostly for the better) then he's an unrealistic fool. The saddest part us he keeps saying that he feels like if he'd spoken to me about it 6 months ago then we could have sorted it. I begged him to talk to me, but that's not how he works.