To not want to give away my baby's things?

[BumpAndGrind]

My DD is 6 months old and has just outgrown her moses basket :( I have moved it and put it under the loft hatch ready to be moved up there when I can be arsed As not to drip feed I should mention that the moses basket was bought by my parents as a gift, from a NCT Nearly New Sale.

Today my Mum asked me if she could have it for my Auntie, I asked her what my Auntie wanted it for and she said she wanted to give it to my cousin, who is currently in her second tri of pregnancy after 4 years trying and a miscarriage in that time too (obviously over the moon for her).

Anyway, as I said no my mum acted as if I was being all unreasonable and reminded me that she paid or it?! I don't think she actually expected me to say no.

I told her that I was saving it for number two and she said 'more fool you, you won't cope with two'.

As it stands, I had severe HG, spent most of my pregnancy in hospital on a drip, lost over a stone and gave birth at 31 weeks. My and DP wanted 2 children, but now we are not entirely sure I can go through it again, I am now high risk for HG and premature birth. We discussed it and said we would keep the baby stuff and revisit the idea when DD turns 2.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable, but I feel if I lend out one thing, it will become all things and I won't get them back. It's not just for a possible number two either, but sentimental reason too, but I know my mum would poo-poo those reasons.

She has made me feel mean, but can be toxic so my judgement is muddled.

I should also add, my cousin has not asked me directly, my Auntie asked my mum...

Sorry, this is probably a bit longer that it needs to be

Keep it. It was a gift! WlEven if you do decide to stick with one, think how much fun your dd will have putting her dollys/teddies to bed in it knowing she once slept init as a baby.

Don't give it away unless YOU want to. Definitely don't give them away if you're planning more children, it's likely you won't get back in good condition.

Your mother sounds horrible. I would never accept a gift from her again, since it obviously comes with strings! Your plan to keep the baby stuff and revisit the idea of a second child when your DD turns 2 sounds sensible. It's unfair and unkind of your mother to say you wouldn't cope with 2 children, your DD is only 6 months old and you've recently been through a difficult pregnancy, things could be totally different when she is 2! You have every right to keep the moses basket, although your mum paid for it she gave it to you.

If you can afford it I would buy your cousin a small token gift or card to show you are totally supportive of her pregnancy. These things can become distorted by chinese whispers in toxic families and I wouldn't want your mum or auntie to imply you aren't supportive just because you won't give up your moses basket.

Hmmm i was thinking what another poster suggested - that your mum has got the hump about it because she has promised it before asking you. Thereby setting herself up for an uncomfortable conversation in the near future with your aunt OP.

My mum has form for doing this. She'll ask me airily if it's ok for X to happen. Then when i say no she'll get all blustery and OTT about it - only for me to find out somehow that it's because she knew she then had to extricate herself from the situation somehow without letting on she'd never bothered even asking me.

Keep your basket. They're always useful for toy storage. They look lovely full of teddies :)

Moses baskets are two a penny, they are flying round sales, car boots, ebay etc all for pennies.

the principle here is your mum pushing you to do stuff just say no.

Might just be easier to lend it as your mum has asked. Moses baskets are cheap - it's not going to be a huge outlay to buy another one if you have a second child. And you won't have it taking up space in your house.

Have been freecycling all of DSs stuff (Moses baskets, baby clothes, play mats, bumbo, bath seats etc) as he's outgrown them (9 months now). We have a tiny three bed semi, and I didn't see the point of keeping things 'just in case'. The only things I've kept are things like first wetsuit, and first baby hat etc for box framing etc. I don't think we'll have another, but if we do I'm sure we'll get stuff together as and when it's needed.

Bump...please don't be pressured into getting rid of baby things before you're ready. I had hard pg and birth. It takes time to process. I'm only just making sense of some of my emotions now, nearly 3 years on.

Ds is my 1 and only. I know I won't have more. Grief is too strong a word but I'd say it's a hard process of letting go when things haven't gone as you'd hoped and you know this precious one is it (or even suspect it might be).

You part with things when you're ready lovey.

If your cousin is nice & understanding I am sure she'd appreciate the lend of some baby clothes or sleeping bags, even just a bundle of plain white babygros would be mightily useful. Put your initials on the tag & make clear you do want them back when the time comes. Don't give away anything you're sentimentally attached to, though, and if you are sentimentally attached to all of it, then yes, keep it all.

I went through this with my SIL and it got awkward for a moment but was fine in the end. SIL has 2 daughters, not planning to have any more children. When I was pregnant and found out I was having a girl too, MIL said (who is also her MIL, not her mother, we're married to a pair of brothers) 'oh now you can give Marshmallowpies your baby clothes'.

SIL looked a bit awkward and said 'I'm saving them for my sister' - MIL was horrified, apparently, she felt it was a terrible affront to me. I was not too worried either way, we had plenty of nearly new clothes already, but a bit surprised as SIL's sister wasn't even pregnant at that point.

Anyway her arm got twisted and I got sent heaps of clothes, which were all labelled with her initials and have all been sent back to her when finished with. SIL's sister did have a baby too - a boy, after all that - and I've sent the babygros and vests and other generic clothes on to him, plus the sleeping bags. So everyone was happy in the end and no falling-out over it, despite the initial awkwardness.

Either way, I don't think you're obliged to send heaps of stuff, or give away the basket if you don't want to, but a kind gesture of donating a few really nice nearly new pieces will always be appreciated.

My dad isn't anywhere near as bad as your mum, but he is terrible for volunteering my (and DSis's) services to other people without checking. He sees us sometimes as an extension of himself rather than people in our own rights. When we refuse, rather than saying 'fair enough', he gets all shirty and says things he doesn't mean. We love him but he's a bloody control freak at times. Not down playing what your mum said, it must've been awful to listen to, but when you've stayed at home it's hard to break free and get them to stop treating you like a sub-office to their ego.

Keep the Moses basket- maybe get your DCousin a voucher for Mothercare or similar and write a nice note saying that you hope she can put it towards a basket for her first, and that she'll love it as much as you love yours. Then don't take anything else off your mum- clearly her gifts come with more strings than fucking Pinocchio. Prepare yourself for wedding clashes and don't let her pay for anything unless absolutely necessary. Otherwise she'll think she can make major decisions about the day.

I totally agree with all of the above!! If it is of sentimental value you keep it!! Also, from a hygiene point of view possibly a moses basket is not a good thing to pass on anyway - you can't clean the basket properly which could be a real danger to the newborn baby it goes to!!

So you benefit from borrowing your nephews things but you don't want to lend any of your baby's things. Don't you think that's a little selfish.
Yes your mums comment was horrible but I think they are two seperate issues.

You keep it!! From a hygiene point of view a moses basket is not a good thing to pass on anyway - you can't clean the basket properly (poss with vomit remains etc) which could be a real danger to the newborn baby it goes to!!

Wouldn't lending it be a good solution - your cousin gets the basket that she needs and you get it back in good time if you do have another. It doesn't resolve the issue of your mother treating you poorly, but if you get on with your cousin and want to do something nice then that could be a good compromise. My son had a moses basket that had already had about 4 babies in it AFAIK - we stored it as a 'thanks' to the owners, and returned it when they had another baby.

Just make it absolutely clear that it is a loan to avoid any potential misunderstanding and deal with the separate issue of your mum without involving other family members.

I love it when gifts come with strings attached.

It's your basket, you don't have to share it if you don't want to.

That said, if you and your cousin get along really well I don't see the harm in her borrowing it. But ONLY if YOU are ok with it. If not, don't feel guilty.

I lent a ton of stuff to my sil when I had ds1 and she was pregnant. She put it all on ebay. I was really upset, and mentioned it, my brother was despatched with all the stuff I'd ever given her and they still don't speak to me.

Families are crap sometimes.

You don't have to lend out anything. We lent out our baby kit between 1 and 2 but it was to friends I trust 100% and everything came back intact and spotless. I have a Moses basket 6 children have slept in (not all at once) and it's as good as new, but there aren't many people I'd trust stuff with.

I wouldn't give away or lend my son's baby things. I'm now single but I'm still keeping it all as I hope I'll meet someone else and have another baby in the future. Or I might lend it all to my sister if she has a baby. But I wouldn't lend any of it to anyone else. It would upset me, so I'm keeping it.

Do what makes you happy. Your baby has only just grown out of the Moses basket - your mum is being unreasonable.

YANBU. My moses basket has sentimental value too. DH has had a vasectomy but I'm still keeping it.

YANBU. Aside from the nastiness from your mum it's the practicality. We said never again after DC2. 6 years later and 5 years after we has given away everything I got pregnant and we had to get everything again. The potential expense when you haven't decided fully what you want to do should be a part of your decision, especially if there's no guarantee of getting it back.

It's your moses basket - she gave it to you as a present. You don't need to feel obliged to give it away.

Your mum's comment about you not coping with a second child was horrible, especially given the trauma you and you baby went through.

I would just say you don't want to discuss it anymore.

I would think it's your choice really, your mums reaction was not very nice.
From a practical point of view, there always seems to be plenty of baby essentials going begging when needed IME, but if it's sentimental reasons then you've every right to keep it.

There’s a good chance your cousin might not want it anyway. She’s been trying to conceive for 4 years; it’s not unusual for people to plan and really look forward to making these significant purchases themselves after trying for so long.

Also moses baskets if lent (or for a 2nd child should have a new mattress due to sids risk) so maybe mention that to your mum too! mattresses are nearly as expensive as a new basket as may make her conversation with her sister easier or say you'll speak to your auntie and explain sentimental reasons.

YANBU

My DC used the old mosses basket as a toy for their dolls and stuff animals to go in - so you may not have finished with it yet.

I was heavily guilted into giving a few things to my sister - despite us saying we'd want them back when finished as we would have another. I don't think we were believed as my family said it wouldn't be sensible to have more - 3 DC on our timetable - though we did. DSis sold the itmes them for a profit that she kept right after birth of our next DC.

My dad isn't anywhere near as bad as your mum, but he is terrible for volunteering my (and DSis's) services to other people without checking.

My Dad did this to my DB loads and FIL did it very frequently to DH. They both hated it - often not minding the task just being volunteered .

Worst was IL promised that their friends could stay in our flat right before and after our wedding - then getting nasty when I was unhappy – apparently I was being selfish and difficult according to IL.

We and IL ended up paying for a hotel room for the guests who then had nerve to complain about the hotel - which was a fairly posh one. IL and said couple stopped till late night before wedding, night of wedding to early hours in our small flat then got us up before 9 am to go shopping for said couple.

I really regret not finding some spare cash for even a night away after wedding.

They couldn’t see an issue - IL were more concerned about keeping promised to this couple than having us happy. In years since I usually say no to the people directly - seems to prevent this type of behavior long term and people genrally don't kick up a fuss.

Yanbu

I had something similar recently, got a text off MIL, do I have any hand me down clothes for her niece and baby, put me on the spot slightly, so I filled a box for her as felt uncomfortable saying no - box went to her niece, months ago, didn't even get so much as a thank you and it was really nice stuff

Note to self for future, give to charity or ebay henceforth!!