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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my friend to tell my DCs off all the time in their own home?

51 replies

ladyandthelamp · 10/05/2014 18:10

In fact, I don't want her to tell them off at all really.

I see a lot of my friend. She has one DC, I have two. My eldest DC and her DC are friends. My children aren't badly behaved, in general I would say they are pretty good, however I don't stand any nonsense from them.

My friend doesn't discipline her child at all, and in all honesty he isn't that well behaved, yet when we meet up all she does is tell my children (aged 8 and 4) off. And usually they haven't actually done anything wrong, they're just doing things that are perfectly allowable and acceptable in our house.

Today she popped round, and as it was lunch time I made lunch for all the DCs, including hers. Her DS is very fussy with food and didn't eat anything and just left the table. My friend then took it upon herself to sit next to my 4 year old DS and start trying to coax him to eat more sandwiches, even though he was eating well. I then brought over a squeezy yoghurt for each child and put it on their plates, and she immediately took them off the plates again (her DS had gone into the other room) and said "No, you're not having them until you've eaten all of your sandwiches". I said "Can you give them back to them please? They know that they need to eat the majority of their lunch before they have them anyway".

Then we took the children to the local park. Both of the older children refused to wear coats or jumpers, so she kept telling my 8 year old off, saying "You'll catch a cold" and "You're naughty not to wear your coat". We went to the playground and when it was time to come home my 4 year old wasn't keen, and she started saying he would have to go on the naughty step or to bed when we got home. I just feel like she oversteps boundaries all the time.

Then when we got back to my house, she went to the loo, and there was an overnight pull up in the bin, as my 4 year old still wears them at night, and she came out of the loo and started saying to my DS "Is that your pull up in the bin, Mister?! You're a very lazy boy! You need to start using the toilet at night" and going on and on about it. Yet she has told me before that her 8 year old sometimes wets the bed at night still!

What is the best way to deal with her?

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyQS · 10/05/2014 18:46

"Stop parenting my child or I will have to start parenting yours, they could do with some parenting, the way it is now your children are parented by nobody and mine by both me and you"

CuriosityCola · 10/05/2014 18:46

I'm really by this. You must have the patience of saint.

CuriosityCola · 10/05/2014 18:46

a saint

Goblinchild · 10/05/2014 18:47

'You must have the patience of saint.'

Or a martyr.
Is she upsetting your children, or do they find her funny?

WanderingAway · 10/05/2014 18:52

My sis and me will tell off each others children if they have been naughty but there is no way either of us would do what your friend does.

Why havent you told her to fuck off already?

usuallysuspect · 10/05/2014 18:57

No need to tell her to fuck off.

Just back your kids up when she starts telling them off.

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe · 10/05/2014 19:07

I always find it difficult in this sort of situation, I can never think of what to say at the time that isn't "JUST FUCK OFF, WILL YOU?!"
So I say NOTHING, and seethe, and feel I've done my kids a disservice (DM often tells my kids off for things that I have allowed)
So I will be finding a backbone and using some of the phrases here.
Good luck, hope you try them too! :)

Original poster

ladyandthelamp · 10/05/2014 19:13

Thank you everyone!

I will freely admit that I am absolutely rubbish at confrontation! I am probably a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like falling out with people.

I would like to use some of the comebacks but I just don't think I could. Instead I will start to keep a distance from her, and to spend time with different friends and their DCs.

OP posts:

Aliceinvodkaland · 10/05/2014 19:13

tell her to fuck off

HecatePropylaea · 10/05/2014 19:15

Tell her to stop. It would be ridiculous for you to stand by, mute, while she takes it upon herself to continually lay in to your kids.

so when she says something, do what you did with the sandwich and overrule her.

if she carries on, say stop bossing my children around. It is not your place. I will deal with things how I choose.

tbh, id say get your own house in order, pal.

Goblinchild · 10/05/2014 19:15

'I will freely admit that I am absolutely rubbish at confrontation! I am probably a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like falling out with people.'

You need to learn how to stand up for your children, and teach them how to do so for themselves as they grow up. Being a doormat is not a virtue.

Goblinchild · 10/05/2014 19:17

'So I say NOTHING, and seethe, and feel I've done my kids a disservice (DM often tells my kids off for things that I have allowed)'

And you stand by and let them take the blame? That is shameful of you.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 19:19

'I will freely admit that I am absolutely rubbish at confrontation! I am probably a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like falling out with people.'

This is why she does it. She knows you will allow it!

aquashiv · 10/05/2014 19:19

When you do tell her to stop ensure your children hear you stick up for them. Thats not fair on them.

Original poster

ladyandthelamp · 10/05/2014 19:21

I do stick up for them and always say 'no it's ok, I'm happy for him to do that' or whatever, but I do lack the balls to be rude to her.

OP posts:

doziedoozie · 10/05/2014 19:23

Maybe you could laugh loudly next time and say 'here you are telling my children off when yours is worse behaved' hahahahahahahaha,

RandomMess · 10/05/2014 19:25

Can you do it as a more casual "lay off friend, if they do something they're not allowed to I'll sort it out" with a big smile and light laugh?

Goblinchild · 10/05/2014 19:25

You don't need to be rude, just assertive in setting boundaries. That doesn't mean swearing and a cage fight.

slithytove · 10/05/2014 19:31

Nothing wrong with a gentle "don't worry, I will discipline my children when it's needed. As it stands, I think DC is doing well with his lunch/I won't be putting him in time out/pull ups are justified."

Repeat as needed.

jamaisjedors · 10/05/2014 19:34

My SIL did this for ages before having her own children. Then she had a very PFB and then twins...

She now has obviously gained some perspective...

Trollsworth · 10/05/2014 19:35

If you don't feel comfortable with the direct approach, you could speak directly to your children rather than your friend.

"You're very naughty to not wear your coat"

"You're not naughty, ds, it's fine if you're warm enough."

Fucking undermine her! She has not authority over your children and she's stealing yours.

HecatePropylaea · 10/05/2014 19:59

Your problem is that you mistakenly think that it would be rude.
it would not.
you dont have to be rude. Just firm.

brotherhoodofspam · 10/05/2014 20:36

We went on holiday with friends whose children behaved appallingly while their parents ignored it but their Dad kept telling our DS off. We eventually had words and did our own thing do for the rest of the holiday. Needless to say, have never holidayed with them again and try to keep visits sort and infrequent.

pluCaChange · 10/05/2014 20:38

If her only child is 8, perhaps start having playdates without her, given that she's so unbearable.

On the other hand, although your 4yo would be totally out of her reach, you might then be exposing your 8yo to her Cinderella's-stepmother favouritism on return playdates...

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 10/05/2014 21:49

You could always try a head tilt and say "it's ok [friend] i know you have to be super firm with your child because of his/her behaviour but you can relax, mine know the rules. Stop stressing yourself" and then do a totally passive aggressive and maybe squeeze her hand to let her know you're worried about her.

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