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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a please and thankyou from my friends DS even though she doesn't enforce it?

37 replies

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:23

My friend and I have DCs of roughly the same age (pre school). I'm a stickler for manners so I insist my dc says please and thank you or else they do not get what it is they are asking for. My friend openly admits she thinks this is daft because she says children don't know what please and thank you means. She does not make her son say them and just gives him what he demands.

When we're together and my friends son asks me for something (juice, tv put on etc) would I be unreasonable to go through the same routine as I do with mine and say "ask me nicely then I will do it" or should I just give in to him and concentrate on my own parenting with my own children?

My friend is so lovely and I would hate to offend her. Her son is her only child and his dad walked out before he was born so she is incredibly protective over him.

I dont know what the best approach is, but I don't really like 5 year old children demanding and dictating......

OP posts:

EverythingsDozy · 09/05/2014 21:25

I would totally enforce it. If you don't it's just showing your children that it's okay to speak to you like that, which it isn't.

hoobypickypicky · 09/05/2014 21:27

Your friend isn't being protective, she's being daft and over-indulgent! No-one likes an ill mannered person, child or adult.

I wouldn't want to set a poor example to my child so I'd have the same expectations of hers as I would my own. My concern would be that if my child saw hers get away with demanding he might try it himself.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/05/2014 21:28

Yanbu, a child will never be worse off if he is taught manners. If his mother accepts that , doesn't mean you have to.

PrincessBabyCat · 09/05/2014 21:29

You can still be friendly and enforce manners. I just ask the child "What's the magic word?" and when they say "Please" I give it to them.

Or.. I find this one works. If your child says please and the other is there, praise them. If the friend's kid picks this up, praise him as well.

Your house, your rules. :)

Nunyabiz · 09/05/2014 21:30

Your friend is very silly. The only way for children to understand something is to teach them. You don't just say "oh well he doesn't understand so I don't see the point". That's like saying "oh my one year old can't understand so we just don't bother talking to him".
I would be very put out if a child spoke to me without manners... Regardless of whether it would have a long term impact I would still insist that when talking to me or in my home, everyone uses manners.

This actually makes me irrationally angry that she is bringing up her child without manners! Says a lot about what is wrong with society.

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:30

Thank you.
I don't want to come across as mean and bossy to my friend (or as if I dislike her child)

I wasn't sure whether it was acceptable to forego the manners with her son since his own mother doesn't expect them.

OP posts:

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 09/05/2014 21:31

Manners maketh the child! Clearly it does not maketh a sensible friend. YANBU.

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:32

Nun my friend actually said to me that she is just waiting for the school to instil manners because her son doesn't listen to her

OP posts:

meditrina · 09/05/2014 21:32

I think that teaching a child to say "please" and "thank you" is a necessary social skill (and not necessarily related to actual feelings of pleading or gratitude).

But I do not think you should attempt to train other people's children.

Lufian · 09/05/2014 21:32

Children don't know what please and thank you mean?? DS is nearly 3 and we have recently started asking for good manners; previously we just modeled but now he's plenty old enough to understand. If we say what's the magic word he giggles and says please. If your friend's child is neurotypical then I would fully expect him to ask for things politely rather than demanding.

Normally I would say don't enforce your parenting rules on another child, but if an adult made demands of me rudely I wouldn't comply, so I think it's fair enough to treat a five year old the same way. A bit tricky though if you think she'll be offended?

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:35

That's what I'm worried about, my friend being offended or else thinking I'm enforcing my beliefs on her child - even though I am aware of our difference of opinion on parenting

OP posts:

Cheekybleeder · 09/05/2014 21:38

My niece is the same. She us 13. It's embarrassing and like a white elephant n the room when everybody has used their manners.

If she us asked if she would like some thing she will say " go on theen'" as if she is doing them a favour

addictedtosugar · 09/05/2014 21:41

I think at aged 3, without modelling from an adult, the child might not have any idea about what is being asked of them..

I have said "please?" or "thank-you" to others kids, as one might with a younger child, and paused a fraction, but not pushed it. NB my 3 yr old has been three for about 14 hours!

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:42

Cheeky I find it embarrassing also.

OP posts:

SarcyMare · 09/05/2014 21:43

I dont insist on please and thank you (as i often forget myself), but i do insist on asking nicely, which is possible without the magic word, may i have a drink being a good example.

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:43

addicted my friends son is 5.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/05/2014 21:44

One of DD's boyfriends once said "Go on then" to me when I offered him some cake.

On automatic Mum mode I said "So is that a 'yes please' or a 'no thank you'? "

I don't know which of us was more embarrassed. But he never said it again.

addictedtosugar · 09/05/2014 21:45

In which case, expect away. Sorry, I just saw the preschool bit.

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:46

Tinkly

OP posts:

Original poster

Ghirly · 09/05/2014 21:47

Sorry addicted I should have said my friend moved here from a different country therefore her son is not at school yet even though normally he would be

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2014 21:48

YANBU at all

If your friend says anything about you teaching her child manners, you can tell her that it's not all about her child.

It's about you wanting respect from people. You can also point out that it's not just her child and that you're the same with everyone (which I assume you are?)

I wouldn't give something to an adult who didn't say please, so I certainly wouldn't give something to a 5yr old.

JonesRipley · 09/05/2014 21:49

I think "ask me nicely and I will give it to you" sounds confrontational.

Much as I think please and thank you are important, Id stick to modelling it in my interactions with my own child, not impose it on other people's. In my case I might say "what's a nicer way to ask?", or "what's the magic word?"

addictedtosugar · 09/05/2014 21:50

Doesn't matter re school. I should have read your whole thread. Sorry.
Please or thank-you should be present before that age (or a local language equivalent e.g. if child was from France, Merci would be acceptable, even in our majority English language house)

Nunyabiz · 09/05/2014 21:51

My 3 year old turned 3 2 weeks ago and I understand at this age she needs prompting from time to time but all I need to say is "what do you say?' Or even "pardon?" And she will rephrase her sentence to include the appropriate word.
What's worse is that your friend thinks because her child doesn't listen to her she'll just wait for school to instil it. She sounds like she just can't be bothered- that's not really a conflicting parenting technique- that's a lack of parenting technique.
I agree it's not appropriate to train her child, but it is appropriate to expect to be spoken to respectfully, and therefore you should be able to prompt him to use manners.
Also if your friend doesn't mind teachers installing manners, it would be a bit hypocritical for her to get offended when you do- but then I am that mum in the playground that will tell someone else's child off for hitting or shoving when their parent ignores it.

JonesRipley · 09/05/2014 21:51

Just seen the bit about wanting the school to impose manners. Silly woman.

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