To expect a please and thankyou from my friends DS even though she doesn't enforce it?

[Ghirly]

My friend and I have DCs of roughly the same age (pre school). I'm a stickler for manners so I insist my dc says please and thank you or else they do not get what it is they are asking for. My friend openly admits she thinks this is daft because she says children don't know what please and thank you means. She does not make her son say them and just gives him what he demands.

When we're together and my friends son asks me for something (juice, tv put on etc) would I be unreasonable to go through the same routine as I do with mine and say "ask me nicely then I will do it" or should I just give in to him and concentrate on my own parenting with my own children?

My friend is so lovely and I would hate to offend her. Her son is her only child and his dad walked out before he was born so she is incredibly protective over him.

I dont know what the best approach is, but I don't really like 5 year old children demanding and dictating......

There's more to being polite than please or thank you. A request can be polite without, or said rudely with the 'magic' word grudgingly spat out. So I'd focus on politeness rather than an arbitrary word. I also find often people are pretty rude to children, yet expect politeness back. No idea about anyone posting clearly, I've never met you. I focus on making sure I'm polite too to model the behaviour. So I agree politeness is important, but I think reciprocal and looking at the whole exchange rather than 'magic' words.

Chazzer

Yes, I agree

"my friend actually said to me that she is just waiting for the school to instil manners because her son doesn't listen to her"

Sorry, but that's just such a load of self-serving twaddle on her part! It means she knows he has no manners and she is abdicating all responsibility for that. I would struggle to describe such a person as 'lovely'.

Yanbu. My Dd has said please and thank you since about 2.5. I would prompt him.

Definitely enforce it in your house or when he asks you for something.

It's just daft saying children don't understand please and thank you. Okay they may not understand the concept of being polite but even my 18 month old tries to say 'thank you', sounds more like 'goo' but he understands if he wants something and tries to say thank you he will be more likely to get it.

My DCs are by no means perfect and do need reminding to say please and thank you occasionally but I've always taught them to say it.

It's also this age when they start getting invited to school friends houses and she's doing him no favours. I wouldn't be too quick to invite one of my DCs friends a second time if the had no manners.

I reckon you should stick to just adding a "er, Please?" or "er, Thank you?" when he asks for stuff.

If he's not been expected to say this then comments about magic words etc might leave him clueless and the resulting pause and silence or wrong guesses (abracadabra!) might make it all a lot more confrontational than you intend.

Thank you everyone for responding. I feel more confident now in asking her son to ask me nicely for something.

To clarify a previous poster, if for example, the boy wants to play my iPad, he shouts "I want the iPad. GHIRLY.... IPAD"

He doesn't ask if he can have a shot of my iPad in a semi polite manner

Ah Ok

So I'd say "Please can I have the iPad ...."

It sounds as if she is at a loss as to how to teach her child, or feels a failure if he doesn't immediately do something so gives up - not realising that parenting is a drip-drip this.

So if I were you I wouldn't make him getting the thing contingent on saying please or thank you, but i WOULD MODEL IT

drip-drip thing

It's laziness really.

I don't force my 2 year old to say please or thank you and model it instead. And it's great when she says it unprompted. But I'd probably start expecting it more by around age 3. Definitely by 5. It's always hard with other kids though. With my 2 year old I sometimes repeat her request back to her with the please i.e. she says "more crackers" so I say "more crackers please mummy" not expecting her to say it though at this stage.

I feel sorry for kids whose parents don't teach them that 'please' and 'thank you' are expected and appreciated by people. Doing them such a disservice as people will just assume they're brats.