Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my fault that I'm infertile?

40 replies

Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:33

I have one dc who we had no problems conceiving. Afterwards I had pnd when I thought and said some awful things (along the lines of I wished I hadn't had a baby and I was never having any more and my life was ruined). I did genuinely struggle to bond for a range of reasons and it took probably 12 months before I felt like I thought I should.

Now four years on we are desperate for a second dc, been TTC for nearly 2 years and on further testing have discovered we can't have anymore children.

Aibu to completly blame myself? I didn't appreciate my ds when he was a baby, nor did I appreciate being pregnant (in my defence I was extremely ill when pregnant). I feel like it's karma, like I deserve this total utter misery and like some higher being is laughing at me. All my friends get pregnant at the drop of a hat, even the next door neighbour who is 15 years older than me at 45 has managed to get pregnant with her second.

I'm so sad and depressed all the time and so bitter and angry and I don't know what to do about it. It's all my fault.

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 08/05/2014 21:35

It's not your fault.

Figster · 08/05/2014 21:35

Of cours yabu

You still sound depressed if this is genuinely how you feel op.

Dozer · 08/05/2014 21:37

It isn't your fault. Not at all. Please talk to someone, like a counsellor, about how you're feeling.

secondary infertility is horrible. There are some supportive threads on MN about it, people talking about it.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 08/05/2014 21:41

no it's not, of course not. I struggled with my first as well and for ages felt like I didn't ever deserve any more - 6yr age gap between dcs 1 & 2.

absolutely not your fault but can understand why you feel bitter and angry and agree that you should maybe see a counsellor.

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:42

How can you go from conceiving first cycle to being told that there's nothing that can be done to help?

Surely there must be some reason and I can only come up with it's karma for being so ungrateful when I had ds. I must be an awful person.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 08/05/2014 21:47

Karma is a myth.

PND is what it is, it's a MH problem which occurs after having a baby.

What you thought at that time is wasn't you thinking, it was the depression.

ikeaismylocal · 08/05/2014 21:48

What was the reason for them saying you can't have anymore children? That's the reason for the infertility not anything you felt or said when your child was a baby.

PansOnFire · 08/05/2014 21:48

It's not your fault at all OP, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please remember that whatever you said or thought, it had no bearing on what was to happen in the future. You weren't well and those negative thoughts were a symptom of this. Even without PND we have all felt like that, it's completely normal.

I'd deal with the two issues separately; your feelings about how you felt with your DS when he was a baby first, and then the infertility. It's easy to think that you didn't appreciate your DS because you felt so negatively due to the PND but you must try not to focus on that. Try writing down a list of the times where you felt positively, the little glimmers between the down times. You could put them together in a scrap book or a diary, sometimes looking at the positives together can make you realise that there were times when you were happy, you just feel guilty about the times you weren't. And you shouldn't feel guilty.

Then once you feel more comfortable with that issue you might be able to look at the infertility with a different outlook. I'm not sure of a way to help with this so I won't pretend that I do, but I know that blaming yourself is not fair on you and not a way that will lead to you being comfortable with things.

purplemurple1 · 08/05/2014 21:49

What medical reason have you been given?

22honey · 08/05/2014 21:49

Its really odd that you could conceive before but now apparently 'nothing can be done'- have you been told a reason why you definately can't have anymore children? Seems like an odd thing to just happen if you were both fertile before? (Someone correct me if I'm wrong and it indeed is not uncommon for a couple to just become infertile when they are still young?)

It is not your fault! Please don't blame yourself xxxxx

HeyN0nny · 08/05/2014 21:49

Google "secondary infertility". It's not uncommon, nothing you've done.

Guilt is part of being a parent, I find... Along with medical professionals being proved wrong. We were told we had an 85% chance of any pregnancy ending in early miscarriage. We made it to the 12w scan with the 5th pregnancy only to be told less than 1% chance of a live birth. DS (DC2!) is now 2. Have hope, it's about the only thing other than love that can't be medically quantified!

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:50

Dh has zero viable sperm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:51

Exactly honey, it's completely weird and I can't get my head around it. That's why I feel all the time like it's my fault. Someone is teaching me a lesson.

OP posts:
22honey · 08/05/2014 21:52

But presumably he did have viable sperm before? Have you tried any fertility boards with regards to improving his sperm through vitamins etc? Well odd a mans sperm can just all die off within a few years!

Sorry if not much help but genuinely feel awful for you, hopefully someone with more experience on this advises you rightly xxxx

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:53

Yes, he's taken all the vitamins going, absolutely no difference Sad

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 08/05/2014 21:53

Think of this realistic, your DH has zero viable sperm.

That is a medical issue and it's nothing you or your DH did or didn't do.

22honey · 08/05/2014 21:54

They arn't teaching you a lesson, or every woman who felt like you (and there are plenty!) would have had secondary infertility! Im so sorry you feel like this...the problem is physical, nothing to do with karma and with your DH aswell not you and I believe people have managed to improve sperm using various methods...I really hope you the best of luck, please dont be down on yourself xx

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 08/05/2014 21:54

Be kind to yourself. It's not your fault at all. I have friends who have gone through similar. Fell very easily 1st time and made comment of this but have not been able to have a 2nd due to issues after birth. Very sad and not in anyone's control. I felt bad because despite having mcs I was able to have a second and I know how desperate they were. But sometimes life is just like that and it never seems very fair. :-(. Seek medical help for your grief and the medical problems. But please please don't blame yourself.

ikeaismylocal · 08/05/2014 21:55

My dp has very variable sperm, he had failed ivf with his ex, his sperm results were really poor, no sperm were the correct shape. He started taking vitamins and eating healthily, not drinking and when he had a sperm analysis before our ivf cycle his sperm was still bad quality but with the occasional ok one.

Maybe your partners lifestyle has effected his sperm? Did the Dr recommend anything your dp could try?

22honey · 08/05/2014 21:56

Have you been given any explanation as to why he obviously had viable sperm before but now has none!?? If not I'd be looking to get this checked out xxx

WhoDaresWins · 08/05/2014 21:56

PND is an illness. You are no more responsible for your thoughts when you had it than you are for having a runny nose when you have a cold. It's a symptom of an illness, not a reflection of who you are.

ICanSeeTheSun · 08/05/2014 21:56

www.patient.co.uk/health/varicocele-leaflet

Cushioney · 08/05/2014 21:56

Its not your fault Flowers

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 08/05/2014 21:57

They suggested zinc which dh was already taking, dh has been majority stressed at work the last couple of years but I cannot believe it would have a total catastrophic affect.
The medical profession have no answer which makes it harder somehow, they don't seem to understand either.

OP posts:
Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 08/05/2014 21:58

Sorry I missed the other posts as I was typing. Sorry to hear about your dh's sperm count. It seems your first was even more special because he was "unlikely". Sometimes we don't realise this at the time, but we can move forward, even from that sort of birth experience, and cherish what we have? Like I said, this happened to my friend, and she had lots of testing, but there was really nothing they could do. I know she cherishes her son.

Swipe left for the next trending thread