To think it's my fault that I'm infertile?

[Neverwasacornflakegirl]

I have one dc who we had no problems conceiving. Afterwards I had pnd when I thought and said some awful things (along the lines of I wished I hadn't had a baby and I was never having any more and my life was ruined). I did genuinely struggle to bond for a range of reasons and it took probably 12 months before I felt like I thought I should.

Now four years on we are desperate for a second dc, been TTC for nearly 2 years and on further testing have discovered we can't have anymore children.

Aibu to completly blame myself? I didn't appreciate my ds when he was a baby, nor did I appreciate being pregnant (in my defence I was extremely ill when pregnant). I feel like it's karma, like I deserve this total utter misery and like some higher being is laughing at me. All my friends get pregnant at the drop of a hat, even the next door neighbour who is 15 years older than me at 45 has managed to get pregnant with her second.

I'm so sad and depressed all the time and so bitter and angry and I don't know what to do about it. It's all my fault.

We asked about the varicocele but they didn't seem to think it was likely. Have to say though because we already have one child they didn't seem massively interested. Mind you we have also paid to have private consultations and they've been no help either.

Its not your fault op, no anecdotal evidence here, just another mum with pnd. Its definitely not your fault because you didnt bond straight away. Parenting is tough, and I have come to learn that guilt comes hand in hand with it.

Ghastly people have children all the time, no rhyme or reason or rewards. Do you know people having a crap time through cancer or grief? Did they deserve it? Be at least as kind to yourself as you are to them.

It is normal to grieve for what could have been, but maybe if you think about your options (donor sperm, adoption...) you might feel it is a choice you are making rather than something that happened to you.

I would also make sure you aren't depressed just now, it isn't entirely normal to think your bad vibes damaged your husband's sperm. You don't want to waste this time with your son either, four is a lovely age, and it will just be a vicious cycle and something else to beat yourself up about. I'm sure now you are in the world of fertility problems, you will start to find people admitting theirs to you as well, there's no way you are alone, I hope you and your DH find your way through this. good luck.

I had PND, I was on 40mg of citapram. How I managed to pull myself out of that black hole I don't know.

What you must realise is you had an illness.

Some days I wish DS was taken away or someone would report me to SS as I was a rubbish mother. I don't think I would have even fought it.

Fast forward 7 years and no body is taking him away.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I was exactly like that with my first, remember saying i wanted to give her up for adoption, didn't enjoy her baby stages at all, finally got help for pnd/anxiety when she was four months old, if only i had done so sooner. We were lucky, in that we did conceive a second and i stayed on ADs throughout and have actually enjoyed rather than survived DD2. I can feel your pain if you haven't been able to conceive a second- i felt like it was a do-over for the first time i guess. But at least you do know why-eg sperm count. So unpalatable as it may be, a sperm donor could be an option, as could adoption. Obviously both would be difficult decisions for you and your dh, but could be worth it. I think the important thing is to make sure that you are getting appropriate treatment, to help you through this loss, or whatever path you choose.

Yes I think that's part of it too, I feel like I lost that precious time with ds and that's it for me. No second chances. All hope of happiness gone.

Echoing what pp have said about treating yourself gently. PND is a horror of an illness. Feeling like you've missed out in your DC as a result is also dreadful. I had antenatal depression following finally getting pregnant after years of stressful IVF and really have to manage feelings that I was robbed of the pregnancy joy.

On your secondary infertility problem, please don't give up yet. You and your DH have male factor infertility. You're not getting the best advice but you do have options.

For example, a one month course of antibiotics is used by some clinics to address low levels of infection that can depress sperm quality. This raised my DHs sperm from very poor to normal levels.

Some couples in your situation opt for donor sperm IVF. It sounds like you're not at this point yet but know that you can have another child via this route.

If you feel up to finding out more about your options to address male factor infertility, there is excellent info available here

Good luck

Counselling helps you know? Says the woman who genuinely believed for some years that she was infertile cos she said aged 21 (whilst walking in the Lake District) that it must be easier to be the one not to have kids than to be the one watch their friend not be able to have kids. Not something I'd normally share. But just to say the mad, crazy, self damaging ideas you can have are why infertility is so shit. And for me the counselling helped a lot. It is not your fault.

Plus PND is crap. The worst.

I know how tough it is, I have been ttc for 7 years now, we have been given a 0% chance of natural conception, I have one failed and one cancelled ivf under my belt, does your DP know you are blaming yourself? Are you still able to support and reassure him? It's really really hard to be the infertile one in a relationship and I hope you are managing to help him through his bad news too, what's your views on donor treatment? We have gone down that route

OP I remember casually commenting to dh about a colleague who took two weeks off work having miscarried, I thought that was far too long.. Four miscarriages later, I've certainly learned my lesson! But whilst ironic, it wasn't karma. You did not make this happen. Echo other posters saying to do your own research to see if you've had the best advice available, and do consider counselling when you know where you stand - it's good to talk to someone not emotionally involved in the situation.

Having been in your situation what helped me was drawing a line under the situation IE what happens happens,so great if I do get pregnant but realistically I won't-I didn't.

And making the most of the now time with DD so in five years time I wasn't saying oh I didn't for example appreciate her school years. Right now I am loving her teen years,even more precious because she is my only one.

Karma is just a comforting concept (well, sometimes comforting). Maybe because the reality that life is so unpredictable is even scarier to accept for most of us. If Karma were real then slag-head ppl wouldn't end up with 16 neglected children by 18 partners (ok not 18 but you know what I mean).

I think this guilt/Karma belief is just an extension of the PND, sorry you're still suffering.

This is not your fault. This is not your body's medical issue. It was not your fault you had PND. You don't need another baby to make up for the time you missed with DS. Your second chance is doing things right now. I agree that counselling might well be a good way of helping you work through all of this.

Are the testicles making sperm? It would be very strange if they had suddenly stopped - it's more likely there is a blockage somewhere. Have you considered surgical sperm retrieval?

Can you have ICSI ivf (where they inject the sperm into the ovum)?

What about a sperm donor?