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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to speak to my father about what he has done...

38 replies

MozartsHarpsichord · 07/05/2014 21:06

My father has always been a bit of a tricky character (read, controlling bully). It has only been in the last few years that I have managed to get out from under his control and manage our relationship on more equal terms. I visit him annually and we just exchange the occasional phone call or card in between. I should probably be on the toxic parents thread, but I spent years in counselling resolving these issues so I more or less feel ok.

Anyway...when I was growing up my brother was an accomplished pianist and instrumentalist. I also played the piano a little (self-taught) and we, as a whole household, very much appreciated and valued music. My dad was, at one point, an opera fanatic and would always be very impressed if any friend or acquantance was a performer on any classical instrument. We have now all grown up and have our own homes. My father was also very rigid about us taking painstaking care of possessions. We had to be extremely careful about not scratching any wood and always protect all surfaces - we were pretty sensible and well behaved, but he would get extremely angry about any kind of perceived threat to furniture or appliances in the house. He did, in fact, attempt to hit me once at about age 16, when I accidentally dropped a sugar bowl on the kitchen floor.

I now find out that my father took it upon himself to take a hammer and chisel to the piano that is still in his house, an good quality instrument that was originally bought for my brother. He smashed it up and burned the wood, as part of 'decluttering' and 'downsizing'. :( This was done about five months ago, but I only just found out about it.

AIBU to feel totally horrified and disgusted by what he has done? I don't think that a musical instrument is just another piece of furniture - it has a life beyond that. At the very least, another person might have had joy and pleasure from that piano. Also, the very thought of him smashing and burning all that wood just seems so hypocritical when I remember the bollockings we would have got for putting anything on a wooden surface.

There is also another side to all this. At some points I did feel that I played er, 'second fiddle' to my brother at times, because he was musical and I was not particularly so - or was really never encouraged and supported to have lessons. This act is such a contrast to all the worship of music/being musical that went on when I was growing up and tbh it has brought up some feelings of anger.

Not sure whether to say anything about it, or save my energy given that our relationship is at last at a point of relative balance and calm.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 07/05/2014 21:12

What a strange thin to do.... what is the father/son relationship like then/now? Same as yours?

Good for you in dealing with that level of toxicity though.

ChasedByBees · 07/05/2014 21:14

It's such a weird thing to do! How old is he? I'm wondering if there is the onset of dementia. What reason has he given for this?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/05/2014 21:16

It's a demonstration of an angry man's impotence at having no one left to bully.

And it is an act of barbarism.

Owllady · 07/05/2014 21:18

My first thought was dementia too tbh :(

MozartsHarpsichord · 07/05/2014 21:19

Yes, it seems similar to burning books or vandalisng oil paintings.

wrt brother - they get on ok, probably a slightly better relationship than my father and me. My brother knows and was upset at the time, but has got past it.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 21:21

According to what you wrote that seems almost worryingly out of character. Is he depressed or anything? Usually burning something has a particular significance, especially if it's something he once loved. If he really didn't care, he would have just chucked it to the curbside for trash to collect.

Or he could just be being an ass to spite your brother. It's hard to call with toxic parents sometimes.

You could just ask if he's ok, and that you remember him loving the piano growing up.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/05/2014 21:24

Agree with disgrace.

He has no one left to bully. So he resorts to this act of stupid, senseless aggression.

In a way that piano symbolised your childhood (his admiration/obsession for music, his controlling demands over surfaces) and he smashed it to bits and burnt it.

No wonder you feel shocked and disgusted.

He knew it would upset you and/or your brother.

Don't rise to it. Talk it through with whoever you need to, fully experience and discuss the feelings it provokes in you.

But not with him.

If you say nothing eventually he will try to goad you into a response. You might say something like, 'well, we all have to let go of the past sometimes.'

Then tell him about the beautiful new piano you've bought yourself.

Flowers
HauntedNoddyCar · 07/05/2014 21:25

If you are in a position of equilibrium then I wouldn't try to tackle him over it. It'll dredge stuff up or somehow be turned on you or your brother and will almost certainly be 'a thing'.

On the other hand it may be dementia or some kind of breakdown in which case keeping a distant eye on him would be good. Does he live alone?

Sillylass79 · 07/05/2014 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MozartsHarpsichord · 07/05/2014 21:29

He has previously been quite ruthless/callous at times. A sort of single-mindedness, regardless of feelings/convention/social norms.

Tbh, his actions over the years lead me to not be too concerned about his mental/emotional state. As long as he is alive and ticking over, that is sufficient for me. :( This is a man who was quite happy to cut off contact with me on more than one occasion and remain in blissful ignorance of my own safety/wellbeing.

OP posts:
Waltonswatcher1 · 07/05/2014 21:29

Get off the misery roundabout . Leave him and the past alone . Concentrate on now .

MozartsHarpsichord · 07/05/2014 21:31

I am definitely no longer on that roundabout! I think of him very few times a year, unless some kind of piano-smashing incident brings him to mind Grin

OP posts:
Waltonswatcher1 · 07/05/2014 21:52

My dad was an arse . Wish it were different but it wasn't . At least he died quietly and no longer ' enriches' my life !
I am going to start a business where you can adopt a nice , shed owning grandad . Sort of like dating agencies !

Wanted - lovely old cardigan wearing 70 year old . Must own a tool box and have pockets full of humbugs . No MH issues or convictions . Indepth knowledge of the solar system, cloud formations and camping dos and donts a must .
All applicants must provide references from small children and ownership of a shaggy cute dog is preferable .

JonesRipley · 07/05/2014 23:02

I also thought about dementia. If it were that it's in the context of someone who had a previously difficult character anyway. I don't think you should apologise for feeling alack of concern, in that context, but I think confronting him about sounds like it would be totally fruitless.

ThatsAStupidUsername · 07/05/2014 23:11

I think I would leave it too. Have a good moan on MN then let it go. I can't see what it would achieve.

I'm not sure about the special value of pianos, we get a lot of people giving them away where we live.

wouldbemedic · 07/05/2014 23:15

Although your feelings are completely valid, I think your dad probably needs pity at this point. My DH recently began to act in ways that were strangely out of character. We all felt annoyed and thought about having it out with him. Like you, some of the things he starting doing were particularly difficult to accept given how exacting he had been years ago. We've found that he's suffering from a serious condition.

I wouldn't talk to your dad about what he's done. I'd accept that the past has happened and you're free now, with so much more life ahead of you than your dad.

wouldbemedic · 07/05/2014 23:15

That should be my DF, not DH!

EverythingCounts · 07/05/2014 23:17

I also agree with Disgrace. If he's now adding hypocrisy to his list of faults, even more reason to leave him alone. If he has been a bad father, I wouldn't think you responsible for diagnosing and managing any dementia either.

AskBasil · 07/05/2014 23:23

I would be so tempted to say to him "God I'm so glad you smashed that piano up, I wish you'd told me you were doing that, I'd have come and swung a huge mallet at it with great enjoyment, I always hated it."

Thus taking his pleasure at its destruction away.

MozartsHarpsichord · 08/05/2014 07:46

Thanks all, it has been helpful and quite therapeutic getting it out.

I won't speak to him, but might speak to other people if needed. It does explain why the door to that room was firmly shut when I visited in early April!

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/05/2014 08:02

Don't even bother . It's a great shame and an awful waste, but it's done now. Your father has either done this to bully or provoke distress (perhaps aimed at your brother) , in which case ignoring his tantrums is the only reasonable course of action; or it's the onset of dementia, and a response is pointless.

Greyhound · 08/05/2014 08:45

The piano obviously symbolises a lot for you - your relationship with this difficult and controlling man and the way your brother seemed to be favoured.

It was a strange thing to do - why destroy a piano? Couldn't he have donated it to a school or something?

sassysally · 08/05/2014 09:01

I don't think it's weird.When I was a child 'piano smashing was a 'thing'.There used to be piano smashing competitions and people used to drop them out of windows!
They are big and heavy and hard to get rid of

sassysally · 08/05/2014 09:05
DorotheaHomeAlone · 08/05/2014 09:09

I agree with greyhound that this is a symbolic gesture and that you are responding to that. On a logical level it is a strange and sad thing to do to destroy a musical instrument but it's not your piano and has nothing to do with you. On a symbolic level it's all about you and your childhood. I suspect you're, quite understandably, not as 100% healed as you'd like to believe and your unconscious is taking this opportunity to process a bit more of that stored up anger from your childhood. Totally normal and healthy.

You may want to talk it through with someone or just recognise it for what it is and move forward. I guarantee that talking to your dad about either the piano orhis past behaviour is not the route to further healing for you though. He'll act like you're crazy and 'it's just a/my piano'.

Well done for all the work you've done. So many people just carry this crap around for a lifetime. You sound really healthy and balanced.