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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to speak to my father about what he has done...

38 replies

MozartsHarpsichord · 07/05/2014 21:06

My father has always been a bit of a tricky character (read, controlling bully). It has only been in the last few years that I have managed to get out from under his control and manage our relationship on more equal terms. I visit him annually and we just exchange the occasional phone call or card in between. I should probably be on the toxic parents thread, but I spent years in counselling resolving these issues so I more or less feel ok.

Anyway...when I was growing up my brother was an accomplished pianist and instrumentalist. I also played the piano a little (self-taught) and we, as a whole household, very much appreciated and valued music. My dad was, at one point, an opera fanatic and would always be very impressed if any friend or acquantance was a performer on any classical instrument. We have now all grown up and have our own homes. My father was also very rigid about us taking painstaking care of possessions. We had to be extremely careful about not scratching any wood and always protect all surfaces - we were pretty sensible and well behaved, but he would get extremely angry about any kind of perceived threat to furniture or appliances in the house. He did, in fact, attempt to hit me once at about age 16, when I accidentally dropped a sugar bowl on the kitchen floor.

I now find out that my father took it upon himself to take a hammer and chisel to the piano that is still in his house, an good quality instrument that was originally bought for my brother. He smashed it up and burned the wood, as part of 'decluttering' and 'downsizing'. :( This was done about five months ago, but I only just found out about it.

AIBU to feel totally horrified and disgusted by what he has done? I don't think that a musical instrument is just another piece of furniture - it has a life beyond that. At the very least, another person might have had joy and pleasure from that piano. Also, the very thought of him smashing and burning all that wood just seems so hypocritical when I remember the bollockings we would have got for putting anything on a wooden surface.

There is also another side to all this. At some points I did feel that I played er, 'second fiddle' to my brother at times, because he was musical and I was not particularly so - or was really never encouraged and supported to have lessons. This act is such a contrast to all the worship of music/being musical that went on when I was growing up and tbh it has brought up some feelings of anger.

Not sure whether to say anything about it, or save my energy given that our relationship is at last at a point of relative balance and calm.

OP posts:
sassysally · 08/05/2014 09:12

What's with all the psychobabble?
Why do you not believe he just wanted to get rid of something bulky filling up his home that no one uses.
Have a look at ebay and you will see lots of old pianos unsold at 99p

LineRunner · 08/05/2014 09:15

How did you find out what he had done to the piano?

MaryWestmacott · 08/05/2014 09:26

talking to him will make you feel worse, not better. look at the options:

a) he did it because it was in his way, it meant nothing to him and as he didn't value it, he was unable to imagine anyone else would value it, so it didn't occur to him to try to sell it/offer it to family members. If this is the case, he'll think you are being rediculous to get wound up about him getting rid of something "useless" and will belittle your feelings, not understand them. This will make you feel worse, not better.

b) he did understand your emotions and feelings towards this, he did know this had 'value' within the family and externally. In which case, he distroyed it to hurt you/your DB, or to just get a reaction. If you talk to him about it, you'll be giving him that reaction he craves, showing him he can still hurt you and achieved his aim. Saying nothing about it, other than something like "pity we didn't know you wanted rid of it, I know a couple looking ot buy a piano, they'd have given you a nice price for it." - that will irritate him far more than a big reaction if that's what he wants. Show him he can't hurt you (even if he has). Don't 'reward' the negative behaviour, no matter how tempting.

c) he did it because he's mentally unwell, in the early stages of dementia. In which case, complaining about the piano won't make any difference and he probably couldn't tell you what he was thinking at the time. "It was in my way" might just be him trying to justify his 'rage' in his head after the effect (no one wants to accept they are behaving irrationally). Perhaps talk to your DB and see what he thinks.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2014 09:40

I completely agree with DisgraceToTheYChromosome -"It's a demonstration of an angry man's impotence at having no one left to bully." And perhaps an attempt to still be a bully by doing something that he knows would upset both you and your brother. I think it would really piss him off if you didn't mention it to him. See if he brings it up, looking to bait you/upset you; and airily dismiss it as of no consequence when if he does.

firstchoice · 08/05/2014 09:56

WaltonsWatcher -

that business is something I have longed for.
I am basically NC with my parents as they were (and are) untrustworthy and vile.
My H's parents are simply not interested in their grandchildren.
They have not phoned for, oooh, 4 years, and when the children phone, after 5m they are 'suddenly have to go'. Angry

I believe there are lots of decent and lonely old folk who could spare an hour or two a week to chat to lots of youngsters who have no 'grand people' in their lives.

OP.
I believe its deliberate too.
Of course it will have upended you - its 2 of your big childhood rules - that you had to abide by to SURVIVE - being broken by their perpetrator.
I wouldn't comment on it though, it will just give him an 'in' Sad

DowntonTrout · 08/05/2014 09:57

See, I can understand the symbolism of the piano and why it has upset you.

We had a similar situation in our family, where my sister was the brilliant musician, concert pianist, and I wasn't even given piano lessons. The grand piano sat there, polished within an inch of its life, god forbid if anyone put something on it or touched it. When sis moved out, the piano went with her and then sat in a room with blankets over it, her cats and dogs sitting on it, scratching it and chewing the legs. Sis had an electric piano so didn't use it.

One day my dad turned up out of the blue with some men and removed the piano without a word to sis. Six months later, said men arrived at my house with the re polished, restrung, grand piano and asked where I wanted it. (Like you just have space waiting for a big old grand piano to fill it.) I know it's not the same as the wanton destruction your father displayed, but it was a form of control and punishment.

MelonadeAgain · 08/05/2014 10:01

What a strange thing to do. I'm thinking it is symbolic in some way, and to do with retaining (in his mind) control.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/05/2014 10:11

OP, you already know him and his capabilities. This is just a little bit more knowledge in that vein. It's just the lowness of it that has shocked you. He may have done it to try and dig you out although if he kept it from you I doubt it.
It's not something simple like he discovered woodworm in it or something is it? Don't ask though, it will not end well. By expressing it here it has helped a bit by the sounds of things. Be content that at least he is consistent in his unpleasantness and you have his personality weighed up correctly and forget the incident.

sashh · 08/05/2014 10:11

I am a daughter of toxic parents.

Ignore it.

He can't bully you the way he did when you were young so he is finding a way to upset you now.

Those of you thinking dementia - you have had the good fortune to not have a toxic parent in your life.

constancesummers · 08/05/2014 10:36

My first thought also was that it was an extreme (and odd) thing go to. But it is very difficult to find someone who will take a piano away, let alone sell them, unless it was a valuable one.

Maybe this was just a reaction to his frustration at not being able to sell or give it away, rather than a more meaningful/symbolic gesture. (Especially after him being so fastidious about looking after it for all those years - this could have just heightened his frustration that now the piano was seemingly worthless.).

I do understand why you are upset, but just wanted to say you may be reading more into this than there is.

JonesRipley · 08/05/2014 15:58

sassy

Where is piano smashing a thing?
I suspect yours is a fairly unusual experience. To me and others on here, smashing up a piano rather than all the other options seems a bit extreme.

And it's a bit dismissive to talk about psychobabble, it's emotions from a difficult childhood.

OwlCapone · 08/05/2014 16:07

What other options?

Perhaps he tried to get rid of it but couldn't. my parents have been known to use old furniture for firewood on occasion when no one wants it.

Perhaps the psychobabble is right. Who knows.

Regardless, does it it actually matter? The piano is gone and there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it.

JonesRipley · 08/05/2014 16:14

Owl

Fair enough

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