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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset at MIL (long)

40 replies

ticktocktime2rock · 07/05/2014 20:40

I have a bit of history with MIL so need to know if I'm being unreasonable on this one.

We live in England and dh's family live in a European country where he grew up. Our son is 20 months. I'm really rubbish at languages but have been trying to learn their language and have really improved for this last trip.

We travel to see them 2/3 time every year and they come to see us 1/2 a year. I've learnt to accept I'm not going to see much of ds when we go as MIL wants to do everything (he used to be snatched from my arms when he was only a few months old).

Anyway a few things anoyed me this trip - our niece (1yo) sees her grandparents very regularly but when we go round MIL hardly let's us hold/cuddle/play with her. It's as if she hadn't seen her for ages rather than us.

We always have to do things the way MIL wants so it's only her toy she wants ds to have not his favourite, we have to go where she wants us to go.

She's also been saying to ds (I know he won't remember/understand but I'm worried this will continue when he's old enough) that she's going to take him to disneyland when he's 4 which I don't particularly want her to and there should be a discussion with us first.

Finally on leaving to go home ds us quiet and doesn't want to wave so she says 'well better that he's sad'. I've been making such an effort to speak her language and feel that unless she's the centre of attention she doesn't care.

I'm quite prepared to be told I'm being pretty/unreasonable.

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 07/05/2014 20:45

Gosh, she sounds a bit full on! Remember you're the mum here. If you want DS to have a certain toy, he has it. She can't snatch him from your arms unless you let her. Start setting your boundaries and you don't have to visit her if she makes you unhappy!

diddl · 07/05/2014 20:53

So you visit them 2/3 times AND they visit you 1/2?

Bloody hell!!

What's the point of being in different countries!!

She sounds hard work.

I'm not so sure that visits are so rare that she should be taking over tbh.

maddening · 07/05/2014 20:56

What does dh say about her behaviour?

Original poster

ticktocktime2rock · 07/05/2014 21:01

Thanks for the comments. Dh thinks it's completely fine and I'm over reacting. We've just had a huge argument hence the posting. It took me a long time to learn there language and he feels I'm not putting any effort in. I understand he misses them but I feel sidelined ever visit especially now we have a niece I want to spoil a little but can't.

OP posts:

PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 21:04

You should just tell her "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were the parent".

Don't be afraid to say no or to tell her to cut the crap. She'll sulk and make snarky remarks, but she'll get it.

But you also need to have DH's support. You can't really go at this alone if DH is enabling her.

Original poster

ticktocktime2rock · 07/05/2014 22:39

I think that's the problem dh will always back her up. I seriously think he'd consider splitting up as we keep arguing about her .

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 07/05/2014 22:47

- Are you maybe, just a bit, letting a basic dislike of her colour your feelings towards her? Some cultures are very "Mamma orientated" and whilst it's cliched, is she living up to that perhaps? or is your DH? Living in a different country to his parents might be hard for him - I would hate to live that far from mine.
How would you feel if it was your mam, rather than your MiL who was abroad?
It might feel like she goes overboard with your son, but perhaps she's just besotted with her (first? only?) Grandson and gets a bit carried away.
If you relax a tad, she might too?
My ex- MiL always wanted to take my pfb on holiday when she was small, until she did, and he basically put a total halt to her gallop in the Algarve - she couldn't get drunk, or dance til dawn, or chat up the waiters, or sleep on her sun lounger because she had to watch him like a hawk and look after him the whole time. She never ever mentioned taking him again and I had a lovely 10 days on the piss - the first break I'd had since he was born in fact
Just my thoughts, and worth what you pay me for them - Is she really worth falling out with your DH over?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 07/05/2014 22:47

DOH! When he was small, not when she was small! That would need Dr Who

Madeyemoodysmum · 07/05/2014 22:48

Your dh is the problem here. He is married with a child. He needs to step in and deal with his mother
As for the Disneyland thing. Have you mentioned that in another thread, I recall a similar issue a while back.

RoseHoney · 07/05/2014 22:49

I can almost guess the country they're from cos she sounds exactly like my mil. Except I won't allow it, at all! DH is a complete mummies boy who sees no wrong in her and we argue over her a lot as he will always side with her but I won't tolerate her behaviour at all so he now avoids me and her being in the same room so it doesn't cause a row, fine by me!

RoseHoney · 07/05/2014 22:51

I should type all at once and not take breaks to do things. I said 'her' far too often in my last post, sorry!

maddy68 · 07/05/2014 22:55

Sounds like a cultural difference tbh. Lots of European families, the matriarch is the head of the house, makes all the decisions, takes over, and tales the grandparent role very seriously.

We Brits don't get this at all. (And it's bloody annoying to us!)

I wouldn't worry about it, better that she wants involvement and loves the grandchildren than the other way round. What does your partner say?
I bet he doesn't see anything wrong as this is the way most European families operate.

cheesecakeandchips · 07/05/2014 22:55

She sounds like a control freak. DH should be supporting you.

CointreauVersial · 07/05/2014 22:59

Um, sorry, but she doesn't sound like the worst MIL in history.....

BerylStreep · 07/05/2014 23:01

You are seeing too much of them. Honestly.

My MIL isn't the worst in the world (actually the 80/20 rule applies - she is pretty lovely 80% of the time), she lives 3 miles from us, and even at that we probably only see each other about 5 or 6 times a year and it is for an afternoon, not a stay! In fact, now I think of it, I probably only see my own DM about this much too.

I think you are unlikely to change your MIL, and it is pretty obvious where your DH's allegiances lie, so I think you are stuck with trying to manage / damage limitation as much as you can. Try to sort out in your own mind what is merely irritating and what are deal breakers?

Do you have to see them quite as often?
Do you have to stay with them / them stay with you when you do see each other?
Why do you need to accompany DH when he visits?
Forget the battle of the niece hugs - it doesn't matter.
I brought my DS to Disneyland Paris when he was 4. It was hot and overcrowded. Take it from me, if someone else offers to do it for you, say yes without a moment's hesitation. I will guarantee your MIL won't take him again and it means you don't have to in the future.

Without having read any of your other threads, I think you are probably feeling overwhelmed (and overpowered) by your MIL, but if you can sort out in your own mind what matters, and probably more importantly, what doesn't, it will help you to see the whole situation in a bit more of a detached fashion.

Original poster

ticktocktime2rock · 07/05/2014 23:01

I understand it's probably cultural differences and I have tried to relax a bit more on this latest trip. I especially feel we're missing out on getting to know our dniece as MIL has to be involved as much as poss.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 07/05/2014 23:10

There is, quite literally, a lifetime in which to get to know your niece and if you allow your MIL to make it into a power struggle then she will win hands down.

Choose your battles. Hugs with your niece are not one of them.

ample · 07/05/2014 23:58

I don't think YABU although she probably has her own version of events. I agree she does seem quite full on but you are the parent here so I would start as you mean to go on. You have a lot of years ahead of you, and as your ds grows it is bound to get worse if you don't stick to basics (principles) now.
She's pushing her luck boundaries with you, similar to how a child would really.
Also, pick your battles. Let her believe she has some control some of the time but on your terms. I don't think this has much to do with your dh as much as it has to do with two females two mothers. She isn't worth a separation. So I would start again, right now.

Speaking from some experience here, as I have my own MIL in a foreign country and yes she likes everything her way and seems to forgot that I'm the mother of my own dd because she didn't have one of her own
I don't let her dominate and I won't make her a victim (in my dh's eyes) either.

I have found there is often a delicate balance between doting and ahem meddling when it comes to grandparents and you are the one that has to find it otherwise she will just bulldoze you because basically that is what you are allowing her to do.

There are some decent perks to be found having an interfering MIL living across the sea and I hope you can benefit from them all in the long run

parentalunit · 08/05/2014 05:07

Which culture are they from? It's unreasonable behaviour in UK, but without the full story it's difficult to understand where they're coming from.

pommedeterre · 08/05/2014 05:32

My mil is the same. It only got worse tbh. We've all had a couple of fall outs but everything gets brushed under carpet and it continues.

I now manipulate everything a bit. They come if I'm away for work, they can babysit the girls whilst we get some time alone. This is only ok now they are 2 and 4 though.

I will never forgive some of her behaviors and actions though. I can never respect her or have the relationship dh would love us to have.

CateBlanket · 08/05/2014 05:33

BerylStreep - is your MIL happy to see so little of her DH and DGC when you live nearby?

pommedeterre · 08/05/2014 05:36

Dh and I argued a lot about this. It was horrible, he thought I was being a bitch basically. Then slowly he started to realize (as dd1 got older and he got more involved and then mil was stepping on his toes too). I didn't get the apology I was after but he did try to confront her (cue tears and hysterics from her and fil - yawn).

Now we just avoid the subject really.

More than 6/7 visits a year and I would put my foot down and at least 2 of those have to just be a day.

Ardiente · 08/05/2014 05:41

It is definitely a cultural thing and you can't expect your dh to back you up as he has probably seen this pattern many times around him. You should certainly not let it cause a rift between you as it is a manageable situation. Instead of seeing each other 5x, why don't you cut it down a bit? When you do meet, remember she is over the moon to see her son and grandchild. Cut her some slack and let it go re your niece. Surely you have opportunities to see the niece without her grandmother? There always be unreasonable behaviour in families. Just take a deep breath and focus on the positive aspects of family life. You will enjoy much more than battling with your dh over his dm whom you see every 2-3 months.

diddl · 08/05/2014 06:57

Do you & your son have to go every time?

How does he think that you are making no effort when you are learning the language for when you visit?

Do they all speak English when visiting you??

Oriunda · 08/05/2014 07:08

Sounds like my MIL (Italian). Hard to set boundaries when you don't speak the language. Your DH reverts to his cultural norms when he's back home so he won't see the problem. Once your DN is old enough to play and interact with your child you will spend more time with her. I'd let it go for now. Ignore the Disneyland comments and pick your battles.

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