Upset at MIL (long)

[ticktocktime2rock]

I have a bit of history with MIL so need to know if I'm being unreasonable on this one.

We live in England and dh's family live in a European country where he grew up. Our son is 20 months. I'm really rubbish at languages but have been trying to learn their language and have really improved for this last trip.

We travel to see them 2/3 time every year and they come to see us 1/2 a year. I've learnt to accept I'm not going to see much of ds when we go as MIL wants to do everything (he used to be snatched from my arms when he was only a few months old).

Anyway a few things anoyed me this trip - our niece (1yo) sees her grandparents very regularly but when we go round MIL hardly let's us hold/cuddle/play with her. It's as if she hadn't seen her for ages rather than us.

We always have to do things the way MIL wants so it's only her toy she wants ds to have not his favourite, we have to go where she wants us to go.

She's also been saying to ds (I know he won't remember/understand but I'm worried this will continue when he's old enough) that she's going to take him to disneyland when he's 4 which I don't particularly want her to and there should be a discussion with us first.

Finally on leaving to go home ds us quiet and doesn't want to wave so she says 'well better that he's sad'. I've been making such an effort to speak her language and feel that unless she's the centre of attention she doesn't care.

I'm quite prepared to be told I'm being pretty/unreasonable.

You need to set the boundaries in relation to the care of YOUR DS and make sure your DH is on board. Personally if I were you (and I am in a similar situation) I would not agree to any further visits until this is resolved.

My MIL would behave like yours given half a chance but I have never allowed it. Tbh my DC won't allow it either as I am their mummy and they want me to look after them not her. My MIL is therefore resigned to making passive aggressive comments about the areas of my parenting she disagrees with and trying (usually unsuccessfully) to undermine me at every turn. I do think someone needs to make it very clear to grandmas in these situations that they are not the mother anymore - they need to take the lead from the parents, not make their own judgements. My DC have a poor relationship with my MIL as a result of her behaviour; if she would just be nice and kind to them without trying to be a mother I am sure they would get on really well, but they just don't understand her trying to take over and being passive aggressive so tend to give her a wide berth!

Just one example. My DD asked for some more potatoes at dinner time - I said that was fine once she had eaten some of her meat and veggies (normal rules apply as they would at home). My MIL then put one of her potatoes on DD's plate. I was furious and said to DD that she could not eat the potato until she had done as she was told. DH then called MIL out and told her she shouldn't override us like that. Numerous similar examples but tbh I just feel sorry for MIL now as she has managed her own destiny in terms of the children - not only do they have a poor relationship with her but she doesn't see them very much because I totally resist spending any time with her given how she behaves.

I wouldn't worry too much - as your DS gets older, and if you have more children you will probably find that they don't want to be dictated to by grandma all the time. Children become their own little people and they will do what they want, and probably won't be too impressed with grandma getting in their face and trying to monopolise them! I also find having more children tends to dilute the intensity of it all.

My MIL is less obsessed with my first now we have two. I think if we have three, we will see much less of her as it will be too much like hard work for her!!

In answer to some questions they live in Spain and I'm hoping to only go to visit them twice a year Christmas/new year time and summer. And they can visit us 1/2 times.

We don't get to see our niece at all without MIL there, I've suggested going to see SIL for a few hours on our own and then the rest of the week Mil can be involved but that idea didn't go down well.

I understand i need to think about the long game. It's difficult when we have to stay at their house/they stay at our house (dh wouldn't have it any other way).

The language problem does not help but you need to try to be more assertive. Your MiL is just being the way she has always been allowed to be so you have to let her know that some of her behaviour is not acceptable to you. Your DH sees nothing wrong with it because his mother has just always been like that - and probably many mothers he saw as he grew up were like that.

When she says she is taking your DS to disneyland you could say 'Well, we would have to talk about that when he is older!'

I don't think you see your MiL too often,.. 5 times a year is not that much but you need to have a think about what behaviour from her you could be more relaxed about and what is a definite no-no.

To be honest - unless you can tell/show her that you are not happy about certain things - why would she ever know?

I'm going to guess southern European MIL. Oops just read your last post, I was thinking Italy/Greece but it is a similar culture.

I know it is difficult but try to relax a bit. Talk to MIL about the Disney thing, say you thik it will be better if she waits until dn is older then gran can take both of them. Assuming dn is still young that will give you another 3 years or so to discuss it.

Your MIL probably has a hard time understanding you and your ways, sending a child to school at 5 in a uniform for a start, sending him to be 'early', ie before 10pm.

It may be annoying but it is totally natural for MIL to want both her grandchildren together, she is trying to recreate a Spanish family where all children and grandchildren visit grandma together.

Have you considered asking BIL and SIL to visit with dn? I'm assuming MIL would want to come along but if you do it when your ds has started school and it is not a holiday then you will get some time with dn. Or just SIL and dn, maybe an extended shopping trip something like that.

Everyone whose has married in to a different culture faces problems, you think you have the same culture or near enough and then BAM you upset someone by doing something completely normal (to you).

But your ds and any siblings will be able to juggle both cultures and have the benefits of both.

Fast forward a few years to when you have a sulky grumpy teenager and you can stick them on a flight to stay with family for the entire school holidays.

Try to remember it is cultural not personal. She is not going out of her way to hurt you, she is just behaving according to her culture.

I've known a few people in, for want of a better word, 'cross cultural' families. EG the family where mum has Xmas on the 25th December and the family go to her parents, and then on the 6th January it is dad's Xmas and they all go to his family. The kids get 2 Xmases and there is never an argument of your parents or ours.

Or the family where the adult son had to call a family meeting to explain that he had asked his girlfriend to marry him, she had accepted but, contrary to his culture, the wedding would not be in a few weeks but probably about 2 years away.

You probably feel a bit outnumbered in Spain and that can be depressing but if you do, look at your son, is he happy?

It is not just cultural, my very British PILS are the same. When things have been tough with sleeping and we have asked them to stay in a hotel when they visit so one of us can always get a stint of sleep in the spare room they declare they are 'unwelcome' and 'excluded' (we pay by the way).

So then MIL gets up at 6.30am and waits for us to come down for breakfast so that we don't get one second alone as a family without her there physically blocking me from dd1.

Its shite. But not just cultural.

how long do you visit for? because these sound like very small problems. I love going to visit my parents because grandad takes over and i actually get to read a book, whole chapters at a time, undisturbed.

This is part and parcel of being in a multi-cultural marriage really, especially if you are married into a Mediterranean family where the MIL really rules the roost. I know MIL who aren't like this, but in general, they are quite dominant, and my lovely Italian friend tells me many Italian men are similar.

You are always going to feel a bit left out and not the centre of attention when you go to their country, to their house and to visit them.

I don't get the point about your niece at all, in these cultures, everyone tends to do everything together, eat with family, have children up til late at night. The idea of one person just going off and forging a relationship with one other child is a bit odd- if your SIL is not initiating these meet-ups, I wouldn't push for them, there's no right way to interact. You are not being shut out of having a relationship with your niece, my children always have me present when we are abroad and meeting people and they have strong relationships with many family members.

It can be overwhelming though, I do get that, the whole experience of being in someone else's world. I don't think these are huge problems though, put limits on how much you go (once or twice a year plenty if you don't enjoy it), send your DH by himself if that helps, and perhaps resign yourself to the whole experience when you are there, keeping up the usual boundaries of looking after your children well of course (so I go to bed early with the children whether or not everyone thinks this is a good idea).

Also, remember your husband lives his whole life in your world, with your family and your language. That can be quite a sacrifice too.

I meant to say some Italian men are similar with their mommas- not all I'm sure!

I think it is a little bit cultural. It's easier to set boundaries in the UK because the general culture is for very individual nuclear families and whilst your MIL may get upset if you assert yourself, she won't have the entire village agreeing with her.

But the thing is its not the 'whole village' helping with the child its MIL solely taking charge and excluding us. They make no effort with English and often joke with our pronunciation which while I know isn't directed at me hurts when I'm making such an effort although not perfect.

I understand being in her world but she has to be the centre of attention here in our home too. When ds was 3 months old she came and completely took over as usual, I became upset which may also have hormones and so she began to cry and went off to bed for the night straight after dinner. I apologised but have yet to receive an apology from her.

We spend at least a week each visit and 90% of the timewe to be with MIL. When we visit my parents dh is itching to get home after a few hours. We go less than once a month. He also thinks that if I'm saying his parents should put in a bit more effort with English (they don't know what ds is saying much of the time as they can't be botheredlearrning more than Hello) then my parents should speak in Spanish to fully English fluent dh. Ftr they have been learning at least the basic words especially words ds is saying in spanish.

Maybe it's past events that have coloured my thinking though.

I have lived in north and south Italy so I do understand the culture. I am in an Italian office now actually (with MIL at my house, ggrrrr). i still say that in a visit with PILS and nuclear family inside one house the same thing can occur anywhere.

Your dh is being very rude to and about your parents so I wouldn't worry so much about being rude to his quite frankly! Dh has always been very good with mine so I didn't have that excuse.

Probably not what you want to do,..but could your DH not go to visit his parents with your DS on his own? You wouldn't have to be there to get upset by it all?

I can understand that it is bloody annoying and frustrating but that is down to who you are - and who your MiL is. I wouldn't be in that position because I would not tolerate it. I would have nipped it in the bud at the start,..but that is the way I am.
Its finding a way to deal with it that doesn't cause any trouble or arguments - not easy!
I do feel for you because I have a friend who has an ongoing problem with her MiL who she has to see every week!

A week at a time, 5 times a year is 10% of the year. I still maintain it is too much. I think your DH doesn't sound like he is being that supportive, but if it is a cultural issue he may just not recognise that there is an issue for you.

For the poster who asked about whether my MIL was happy only seeing my DC every 2 months or so, even though we are just down the road - yes, I think she is happy enough. There are other GC who she is much more involved with (whole other story). Equally, this is about the same as my DM sees the DC. They recognise we are busy people with 2 careers, homework to do, meals to cook and a house to run, and that we just don't have the same amount of time to be constantly visiting.

Anyhow, OP, I think the key to you getting through this is to try to detach and to think of things you can do when DS is getting all this extra attention - reading entire chapters of books sounds lovely!

You will have plenty of time to develop a relationship with your DN.