To want to scatter my dog's ashes

[Bathtimesoaker]

6 years ago my lovely df passed away. My mother has kept his ashes and wants to be scattered with them when she passes. I have agreed to do this.

Nearly 3 years ago, my dog died and we had him cremated. I wasn't keen to have his ashes in the house because I could foresee problems but my opinion didn't matter and so the dog's ashes now live in my mother's bedroom. I don't want to belittle the fact that it's a dog, because he was very much loved and seen as a part of the family.

My mother has requested that in time, I now scatter her ashes, my father's ashes and the dog's ashes all at the same time. I'm really unhappy about this because I feel it's a lot for me to do on my own (only child). I also feel it's really unhealthy for my mother to constantly surround her with so much grief and sorrow.

I've been asking my mother for years if we can scatter the dog's ashes, this year I've put a date on it (end of may) and have been gently reminding her periodically.

Yesterday we had a huge argument because my mother has now completely refused. I managed to persuade her into agreeing 'one day' but when I tried asking her when that would be, she kept giving dates which were blatantly unsuitable (I'm pregnant and so she gave my due date as a possible date). She also got very aggressive and nasty (she has always had temper and aggression issues) and now isn't speaking to me.

Am I really being unreasonable to not want the pressure of scattering all my family's ashes? Should my mother agree to us scattering the dog's ashes together?

Maybe if you come at it from the perspective that neither of you actually has say over the other and that you can both do what you want you might find it easier.

She doesn't have to scatter the dogs ashes now if she can't bear it.

Neither do you when she's dead.

Was it your dog, or your family's dog? If it was yours, and not your DM's, it's really your decision as to when you scatter the ashes, surely?

I agree that asking you to have one day when you essentially have to 'let go' of your mother, your father and your dog all at the same time is rather cruel.

I think you should leave your mum and her ashes collection alone ,when she dies do whatever you want with them but in the meantime if she is happy to keep them with her let her be. My dad died in 1990 and my mum has his ashes in a cupboard in her bedroom along with 2 dogs ashes and 4 sets of horse ashes ,by the time she dies ( which will hopefully be many years away) the collection will include 2 more dogs and the cat probably . She wants to keep them ,they're no bother to us so no problem .

Its difficult to say really, I bought my dog with birthday money when I was a teenager, he lived in our family home and stayed there when I went to uni. When I moved into my own place I wanted to take him but wasn't allowed and didn't press to hard because my mother was a widow by then and the dog was company for her.

I don't think there's a real right or wrong to this one.

Is this something you want to argue about in the here and now? Love for the living (even unreasonable mothers) is more important than ashes, isn't it?

Floral, I'm not questioning whether my df should be scattered now, it's perfectly right that in time, my parents go together. I just don't want to have to scatter my whole family life, in one fair swoop and would actually benefit from my mothers support at some point.

Since my df died I've had to do absolutely everything related to admin for my mother, I've supported her constantly and I really want a bit of her support on this. I feel like scattering everyone's ashes is another thing left solely for me to do.

I should imagine if she's anything like my mum that the dog was a great comfort when her husband passed away and scattering the dogs ashes will be as hard for her as asking her to scatter your dads ashes .

Floral, that's very true, the dog was a huge comfort. My df died suddenly and far too young, the trauma alone was horrific and I suffered badly with flashbacks for a long time. The dog gave us an excuse to get out of the house and was a little character so made us laugh. I know it's not easy but that's why I want us to scatter the dogs ashes together because I feel that she's leaving all the difficult things for me to do on my own.

Bathtime - - my DH was an only, I've seen how hard it can be for the one who has to do everything, and how hard it can be when the child becomes the one giving support to (in his case) a self-centred parent. But I'm afraid that I think you will need to look for your support elsewhere.

You dont actually need to scatter ashes at all do you?

My FILs ashes were buried in a plot with those of his son who died as a teen. My MILs will go in the same plot when the time arrives.

I dont really care what happens to mine, there will probably be nobody to deal with them anyway.

x-post... wonder if (after perhaps letting it lie awhile) you could present it to her a different way - that you had happy times together with the dog, that you'd like to scatter his ashes in one of his favourite places and remember together with her his cheerful little self? Turn it from something painful into a celebration of his life. any chance she could get her head round that?

My dads death was also sudden and fairly young (51) , they had just got 2 Battersea puppies and one of them turned out to be 'the dog' of my mums life IYKWIM, I think it would be harder for her to scatter his ashes than scatter my dads in many ways . Being responsible for your parents is hard and I do know how you feel x

Errol, I've tried the positive approach. When I got married I took my wedding bouquet to a waterfall that was on the path where my df used to walk my dog. I asked then if I could scatter the ashes and it be linked to the happiness of the wedding, but my mother won't agree to anything that isn't the current situation.

i know it sounds like I'm forcing the issue, but I feel that I have done a great deal for my mother and although I don't begrudge a second of it, this is one thing I don't feel prepared to do, but increasingly it will be something I'm forced to do.

I still have ashes from my rabbit sitting on my desk. It's been about 3 years and I'm not up for releasing them just yet. I'm not hanging onto his death, but it would just feel...weird to release them. Even thought they're just collecting dust.

When our family dog died my parents hung onto his ashes for about 7 years before burying them in my uncle's pet cemetery. They got an engraved little plaque and everything for him.

I don't think it's a big deal that your mom is hanging onto his ashes. You don't have to scatter them when she dies. You don't even have to scatter hers right away if you don't want. I think if my parents died and were cremated, I'd hang onto their ashes until I was a little old lady and then release them before I got to poorly to do so.

This has nothing to do with scattering the ashes of what will by then be a long-deceased pet and everything to do with you feeling forced to support your mother's emotional well-being. The dog's ashes are a symbol, not the problem.

You may be an only child but you will have a partner and at least one child of your own for support when the time comes.

Would she talk to a counsellor or go to a cruse bereavement group?
I don't think she is being fair to you (regardless of ashes etc) I think there is a name for it when someone wants the monopoly on the grief

I have a similar thing, only child, Mum is in her late 70's, Dad died 6 years ago. She has both his and her dogs ashes in the living room. They give her great comfort and I wouldn't dream of asking her to scatter them.
When she goes she has requested that they all go in a plot together in a private cemetery she's already bought and paid for. Thats what she wants me to do and thats what I will do, regardless of how difficult it is for me that is her wish.

We got to talking about it after I lost my second, much loved dog last year (I have their ashes in my dining room) and she commented that she wanted me to put my two boys in with them as well so she could 'look after them for me'. I thought it was a lovely thing that did make me cry a bit, though I can see the bemusement on the funeral directors face now as mum, dad and three small dogs are interred

In truth, my mother has never moved on, she refuses to see a counsellor and has lashed out on me so many times because she's hurt, angry, grieving and lonely. I love her but it's incredibly wearing and after years of my family=grief, I almost feel like I want to change the energy before I give birth in October.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I feel a huge burden of responsibility to always be the person who sorts things out, does the horrible jobs nobody else wants to do and I just feel like it would be cathartic to allow us to move on a bit before my baby arrives and that's symbolised hugely by not having ashes all around the house.

I'm sorry, I can see that I have my own selfish reasons, but I feel like everything in my life for the past 6 years has been prefaced by death or grief and I really want to move on.

Has your mother got another dog or pet ? Perhaps the birth of your baby will help her to 'move on' to a better future .

I completely understand how you feel tbh as I felt overwhelmed when my sister died as I was expected to keep it together for my mum and my own grief wasn't dealt with. I became quite unwell and the have therapy fir a year. Have you received support yourself?
My mum so also wouldn't see a counsellor but a decade on she did naturally deal with the grief, though obviously she will never get over it

I too am an only child and face the responsibility of dealing with my divorced parents remains, complicated by the fact that one alone has ownership of the family plot and the other dearly wants to be buried there but that's a whole other thread.

So I do get the pressures that only children face but I'm not really understanding the issues here. You can't MAKE your mother surrender her dog' sashes just for your comfort. Equally, you don't have to dispose of its ashes (or your parents for that matter) if you don't want to or feel up to it.

Pumpkin both of mine
Divorced
Wants to be buried eith my sister
I am estranged from my dad who has the deeds. It's a bloody nightmare and I don't want to think about it :( at all

Pumpkin, I think the point is that OP wants to feel supported by her mother. If her mother can't even face scattering the dog's ashes, then why is OP expected to scatter the whole family's ashes? The mother is being very selfish.

I don't think her mother is being selfish ,as has been pointed out the OP can do just whatever she wants with the ashes when her mum dies , be that scatter them or leave them in a cupboard . The OP wants to move on, her mother doesn't ,neither is right or wrong ,but you cannot put a time limit on someone's grief .

Bathtime - yes, it would be lovely to move on before the birth of your baby, its entirely understandable you feel that. If that isn't possible for your mother yet, hopefully a grandchild will help her gain a fresh perspective. I do hope so.