To want to scatter my dog's ashes

[Bathtimesoaker]

6 years ago my lovely df passed away. My mother has kept his ashes and wants to be scattered with them when she passes. I have agreed to do this.

Nearly 3 years ago, my dog died and we had him cremated. I wasn't keen to have his ashes in the house because I could foresee problems but my opinion didn't matter and so the dog's ashes now live in my mother's bedroom. I don't want to belittle the fact that it's a dog, because he was very much loved and seen as a part of the family.

My mother has requested that in time, I now scatter her ashes, my father's ashes and the dog's ashes all at the same time. I'm really unhappy about this because I feel it's a lot for me to do on my own (only child). I also feel it's really unhealthy for my mother to constantly surround her with so much grief and sorrow.

I've been asking my mother for years if we can scatter the dog's ashes, this year I've put a date on it (end of may) and have been gently reminding her periodically.

Yesterday we had a huge argument because my mother has now completely refused. I managed to persuade her into agreeing 'one day' but when I tried asking her when that would be, she kept giving dates which were blatantly unsuitable (I'm pregnant and so she gave my due date as a possible date). She also got very aggressive and nasty (she has always had temper and aggression issues) and now isn't speaking to me.

Am I really being unreasonable to not want the pressure of scattering all my family's ashes? Should my mother agree to us scattering the dog's ashes together?

Pumpkin both of mine
Divorced
Wants to be buried eith my sister

Snap. My father owns the family plot, doesn't care about being buried, but won't sign over ownership so my mother can be buried beside my brother should she die first. Families, eh?

Pumpkin, I think the point is that OP wants to feel supported by her mother. If her mother can't even face scattering the dog's ashes, then why is OP expected to scatter the whole family's ashes? The mother is being very selfish

That's a very harsh way of viewing the mother. Some people draw huge comfort by having the ashes close by, just as others do by having a grave they can visit. OP doesn't have to dispose of anyone's ashes if she doesn't want to, nor does she have to keep them.

There is the option of just nodding and smiling at her mother for as long as she's alive, and then not collect the ashes after a cremation (sorry to be discussing your still living mother in this way, OP!). Ask someone else to dispose of the dog and your father's ashes if you feel it's too much for you.

Nine years ago my DH died (my beloved German Shepherd had to be PTS five years ago, as well).

I have had one other relationship, but in truth will never move on. I now have another GS.

You expect your parents to die, they should, I certainly don't want to bury my children.

OP your baby is a new beginning for you, I am hopefully going to become a Nan in December.

You Mum doesn't want another Romantic Partnership, by the sounds of it, there will be no moving on from that life.

My DH's ashes will always be with one of my children, whilst they want him and if not with me.

I can manage my own life, I am the support system in my family.

That's what your frustration is about, not the ashes.

You think that her holding on to the ashes is symbolic of her not becoming independent and recovering, but getting rid of them may not help this.

Ave your baby, you will be stronger afterwards.

This may jolt your Mum into action, if not them set your boundaries.

Your baby may be old enough to be the one scattering the ashes, or as said, they can be poured down the toilet.

First pregnancy intensify any issues, especially around needed support, or having responsibilities.

You need to go with the flow for the next year and be honest with your Mum if she wants to much from you ( but not about the ashes).

Gosh pumpkin, I thought I was the only one having to deal with this scenario!

On another note, I am quite scared about living alone, my youngest DD has LD's, so this may not happen.

I am extremely confident and indeed pendant, in every other way.

I can then understand your Mum using the figs ashes, in her bedroom as a source of comfort.

In terms if the aggression, I would challenge that and, as said, set your boundaries.

You can expect to be treated well and with kindness by your Mum, even if it doesn't come naturally to her.

Get over her not speaking etc to you, your relationship should be positive.

Independent, not "indeed pedant", but some would argue with that, who know me!