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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cant spoil a child with 'opportunities'?

46 replies

SteadyEddie · 07/05/2014 14:16

This is from MIL (and not a MIL bashing thread, I quite like her and we get on well).

DD came home with a school trip letter last night, I wrote a cheque and sent it back. Made a comment that my cheque book only seems to be used for school trips, club fees and camps. MIL piped up 'You let them have so many opportunities, it really will spoil them. You don't always have to say yes you know.'

Now my DC's are not spoilt, but if there is a trip/camp etc going and they want to go I always say yes because I think its good for them to be able to do these things (I wasn't able to as a child, so maybe I am over compensating).

AIBU.

OP posts:

ThatBloodyWoman · 07/05/2014 14:19

YANBU.
Far better that children have experiences than 'things' imo.

It helps you find out who you are to do stuff, be independent, broaden your horizons, and have new experiences.

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 14:21

Yanbu. I agree with you. I am the same, if we can sensibly afford it, if Dd wants to go and we think it's a good opportunity we let her go. If not we don't. Dd has a friend from an extremely wealthy family, she goes on alot of expensive trips with her family and the school and does amazing things. She is not spoilt at all. She is a lovely kid, as happy browsing with my Dd spending their pocket money in Primark as going skiing.

PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 07/05/2014 14:23

Well, I suppose there's the chance that they may not understand the money involved in these things if the cheque book comes out every time without fail, but there are other ways of teaching the value of money than saying no to something that is a good opportunity, just for the sake of saying no!

Even using the word opportunities in that negative way seems odd.

Molotov · 07/05/2014 14:23

YANBU As long as there is no pressure on the children (fron what you wrote, there isn't) then its wonderful to support them with what they want to do.

WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 14:26

YANBU.

As far as positive experiences go I don't think anyone can ever have too many.

UnderIce · 07/05/2014 14:27

My Mum was a bit like that (she's long dead). Didn't "see the point" in just about anything. She once berated me for having "too many friends". It just made me want my DCs to get every opportunity available so long as I could afford it.

I'd rather have an experience than a material thing and my DCs are the same.

Don't think YABU for a second, you're doing the right thing.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2014 14:27

How old are your dcs? I think at Primary level YANBU but as they get older and you get the Spanish exchange (£400), rugby tour to the south of France (£300), the cultural trip to California (£1500), ski trip (£450) and geography trip to Morocco to look at something also found in the UK (£500) then your MiL has a point!

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2014 14:28

Not to mention the trip to South Africa to " help" on some environmental project £1800)

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 14:29

Agree, Post, I don't think it is a bad thing to make children aware of how much things cost no matter how well off you are ifyswim. Dd does martial arts, when she started in her new class she needed quite alot of different equipment. I bought some of it (you don't need it all imediatly) and told her she could wait a couple of months for the rest because I couldn't afford it. Actually, I probably could have done but I just think it's a good idea for them to hear that...."I will get that next month, when I've saved up or been paid" or whatever.

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 14:30

Oh no Barbarian!!! I'm dreading that! That is serious money!

Original poster

SteadyEddie · 07/05/2014 14:40

My DC's are 13, 7 and 5.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2014 15:29

yabu a tiny bit I dont/didnt let my children go everywhere do every school thing and they have not missed out , I cant justify hundreds of pounds for a ski holiday the same year as a history trip ,or whatever but yanbu to want them to experience things but sometimes they can get to much imo, My dds did go on some school things but not all, one year when i had 2 at secondary the school offered 8 trips holidays they could go on 8!!

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2014 15:32

changed my Mind yanbu to want them to have opportunities yabu if you think them going on all camps and trips is what they need,

manicinsomniac · 07/05/2014 15:34

YANBU

My daughters can do anything they want to, if I can afford it.

They can have very little (because I can't afford anything after they've done all the things they want to)

PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 15:38

If they're respectful and well behaved, and it isn't putting you on a shoestring budget, I don't see the problem.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/05/2014 15:38

YANBU. DD has been on quite a few trips on the principle that "when your life flashes in front of your eyes, make sure it's worth looking at".

Probably spent about 5-6K over her schooling, but she's enjoyed herself and had her mind broadened.

JonesRipley · 07/05/2014 15:44

I think that every now and again they need to be made aware that these things cost money, and that possibly they are lucky that you can afford these things and others are not so lucky, but YANBU.

Chippednailvarnish · 07/05/2014 15:44

I had very few opportunities when I was younger. As an adult I now work with people who are far more accomplished than me because of the opportunities they had when they were younger.

YANBU.

hippo123 · 07/05/2014 15:51

I don't it's a bad thing to get children to contribute towards a school trip they really want to go on. Nothing wrong in getting them to wash cars, mow lawns, weed the garden, clean the bathroom, put birthday / Christmas money aside etc to earn a bit of money to put towards it, no matter how much money is in the household.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 07/05/2014 16:16

YANBU but I too draw the line before ski trips. Also have had instrument lessons, various sports clubs, scouts (and camps) and other opportunities to try new things out of school hours that DH and I cannot do on our own.

As they've got older, we've trimmed the list down a bit so that they can concentrate on just 2 or 3 things each and be able to help and join in with the wider community/associated activities.

It has been a life saver for DD as when she was ill, the connections with the sports club she went to continued and they were like an extended family of contacts for her, and just the right encouragement she needed. Priceless.

An ipad or laptop wouldn't have given her that!

sassysally · 07/05/2014 16:24

Our school do these World challenge trips coming in at £4,000 !! It is a state school and yet about 50% of the kids go!

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 07/05/2014 16:59

We have got pickier with activities but its taken a while to work out what DC really enjoy. We don't do all activities offered as a result

JockTamsonsBairns · 07/05/2014 17:26

Yanbu. These 'opportunities' are a fantastic way for kids to broaden their horizons, and see a bit of the world - and I don't see how it necessarily spoils them. We're reasonably comfortably off, although certainly not rolling in it!, and I want my Dc's to know that we have to make choices about what we spend money on, and that there's not some bottomless pit that just keeps on giving. Last year, for example, we didn't go on a family holiday so we had some other treats instead - a few day trips here and there etc. This year, we're going camping in France - so they will need to know that we are saving up for that, and therefore the day trips will be cheaper types of things - a bike ride with a picnic etc. I want them to understand that they are lucky to get the things that they do, without pining for more.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2014 17:28

Only you know your kids and whether or not they truly appreciate the cost of it all.

HavannaSlife · 07/05/2014 17:31

If we can afford it they can go.

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