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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cant spoil a child with 'opportunities'?

46 replies

SteadyEddie · 07/05/2014 14:16

This is from MIL (and not a MIL bashing thread, I quite like her and we get on well).

DD came home with a school trip letter last night, I wrote a cheque and sent it back. Made a comment that my cheque book only seems to be used for school trips, club fees and camps. MIL piped up 'You let them have so many opportunities, it really will spoil them. You don't always have to say yes you know.'

Now my DC's are not spoilt, but if there is a trip/camp etc going and they want to go I always say yes because I think its good for them to be able to do these things (I wasn't able to as a child, so maybe I am over compensating).

AIBU.

OP posts:

HoVis2001 · 07/05/2014 18:05

sassysally

A huge part of World Challenge trips is that kids are supposed to fundraise for them independently - if a school is encouraging parents to even pay towards it they are doing something wrong!

I did WC at high school and it was a wonderful experience that I'm so glad I had.

Peacesword · 07/05/2014 18:08

I've let dd have a wide range of hobbies and trips away with those hobbies, the school and I sent her to PGL in the school holidays. As an only child it's been really good for her, and spending a week away from me with no-one that she previously knew helped her confidence no end.

I don't think it's spoilt her at all, I think it has been really beneficial to her. And when she goes to senior school in a new area, not knowing anyone, I don't think it will be nearly as nerve-wracking for her if she hadn't gone and done all the residential trips and activities.

I've worked on the basis of her having lots of opportunities so that I can see where her real interest and aptitudes lie, and then encouraging her in those if she wants to take them further. There's balance too as she doesn't want to do everything on offer - but if she does then I'm all for giving her the opportunities.

WashingWashingWashing · 07/05/2014 18:39

Yanbu my DC have always been allowed on trips as it is a great experience to travel.
Mind you, even I baulked a bit when one came home with 3 separate letters for trips totalling 5K!!! His Father was happy to pay but I did have misgivings about the cost involved.
Luckily the two expensive ones clashed with the dates so he did one costing 2.5K and a cheaper one costing 400.

parentalunit · 07/05/2014 19:17

Ask your child about the past "experiences" to see what your child is learning from them. That should answer the question for you.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2014 19:37

Asking your child what they enjoyed/can remember can be very enlightening actually.

Last year we went on a 'once in a lifetime' trip to California for a family wedding. Ds2's (6) favourite parts of this amazing travel opportunity were:

Playing w his cousins (which he can do at home)
Helping to walk and feed his auntie's dog
Yoyo's frozen yogurt

Very glad that the whale watching/trip to San Diego zoo/road trip up the coast made such an impression ungrateful little brute

KnittedJimmyChoos · 07/05/2014 19:53

I think its a good balance to let them be free and carefree and not have worries that adults have, ie not have their noses rubbed in how poor their parents are.....to also having a healthy appreciation that things do cost money and it comes from work, and commitment.

ie, put DD in gym class, she wants to stop half way, not allowed, daddy has to go to work when he doesn't want too, to pay for those gym lessons, you have to finish them..

I was made very aware of our money worries and I really took it to heart and cried nearly every time we had to buy something I thought we would loose everything...looking back, yes we had a very bad patch but we were not on the poverty line i did not have to worry and be so afraid as I was.

anyway - no, experiences cant spoil them,

22honey · 07/05/2014 20:10

YANBU, I always went on every school trip because they are good for your development and its great for kids to experience new things. I always remember 2 boys in my class that never got to go on any of the trips (and were always in old, holey, scruffy non fitting clothes :(). I always felt really sorry for them and so lucky I got to go.

I do think some people (my MIL sounds like yours!) like to believe and tell themselves that kids don't need this and that or they'll be 'spoilt' so said parent can save the money/spend it on themselves. I intend never to be like that, but I don't agree with actually spoiling kids like buying them toys and sweets whenever they ask etc. School trips etc are different, I believe they are educational and as I said great for development.

PaulinesPen · 07/05/2014 20:24

I agree, although I know we wont be able to stretch to everything but dc understand that. It could be a generational thing perhaps? How old is mil? My parents were completely oblivious to the possibility of me doing anything. Unlike your mil they seem quite accepting about such things when they seen their grandchildren doing stuff.

Horsemad · 07/05/2014 20:52

Asking the children about their memories of trips made me smile; years ago, we took our DC to see an England game at Old Trafford and also round the Liverpool FC Museum the next day. The trip involved staying overnight in a Travelodge and when asked about the best bit of the trip it was staying in the Travelodge according to them!!

I could have taken them 10 miles up the road to our local Travelodge if I'd known!

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2014 21:10

I asked dd2 what she enjoyed about orlando Mummy it was funny when you dropped your sandwich oh ok dear doesnt matter that we were running to catch the Beauty and the beast show then tbf she was only 5 but memories are not always what we think they should be imo

GreenEyedGoblin · 07/05/2014 21:16

Ds2's favourite part of a 5 day trip to Disneyland Paris was being allowed to take the laptop and watch DVD's in the car on the drive there

Horsemad · 07/05/2014 21:23

Another fave memory of my DC was in Lapland - best bit was putting out the lovely little tealights in glass jars that lit the path to Santa's cottage by putting snow on them.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/05/2014 21:29

They learn some funny things on these trips: DD's cousin came back from Rome with the Italian for please, thank you and f**k yourself shithead.

Bottom pinchers in Santa Maria della Rotonda apparently.

WilsonFrickett · 07/05/2014 22:43

DS is only in primary school so the expensive school trips haven't started yet. I never got to go away with school (poverty and the teachers' strikes meant there weren't that many trips to go on) but I will be expecting him to put some effort towards big trips.

I think cubs and activities are down to us (although also agree that if a term has been paid for then a term will be attended, even if you don't like karate after all DS!).

Friends of ours recently described ski-ing as 'such an important life skill for children' the other week. Erm, no, it's not and if DS wants to go on ski trips costing £££ then I will expect an age-appropriate contribution from him.

KatieKaye · 07/05/2014 23:00

We've had a fair few good value trips with the school - French battlefields, Spanish exchange and week in London. Drew the line at 5 days in NY, as it was hugely expensive, didn't seem to offer anything in the way of educational opportunities and seemed a waste of money. I did wonder at the school even offering something so expensive, as surely rather divisive?
I'd love to have an endless supply of money, but in RL we all have to make choices according to our budgets. I just wish schools would be a little more aware of this and cut back on the more extravagant ones. Who really wants to dash the hopes of a 16 year old with stars in her eyes about the thought of NY with her pals?
Her favourite trips were to Lourdes with her church youth group- all the way there and back by bus and boat, helping with those in wheelchairs etc. She loved the whole experience so much she went back a second time and is going to Rome this summer with the same group. And the costs were very reasonable.

shebird · 07/05/2014 23:02

YANBU As long as they understand and appreciate the effort it takes to earn the money to pay for trips. With older kids I would expect some extra help with chores as contribution towards the trip. Also maybe having to make choices between the very expensive trainers or phone and the expensive school trip just so they learn they cannot have it all.

We took DDs to Orlando last year on a trip of a lifetime. When I asked what their best memory of the trip was it wasn't Disney or roller coasters it was swimming and playing in the pool

DomesticSlobbess · 07/05/2014 23:35

YANBU.

Without school trips I would never have been abroad as a child! And without school trips I never would have experienced things like kayaking, war museums, some theme parks...

My parents had an annoying rule though that if my older DB hadn't done it (even if he hadn't wanted to) then I wasn't allowed to go when my turn came around (even though I wanted to) so I missed a few trips that my friends went on.

When DS starts school trips I definitely won't me limiting what he can go on as long as we can afford it.

UnacceptableWidge · 07/05/2014 23:53

horsemad my DC were the same. We had a night in Premier Inn en route to a holiday that cost a fortune. Best bit apparently and still 2 years later they ask when we can go again.
Maybe next year we should just book a week in nearby PI, will save a fair few bob!

Horsemad · 08/05/2014 15:17

Haha Unacceptable It's funny what they class as the best bit isn't it?!

HolidayCriminal · 08/05/2014 15:42

I gave DC the "opportunity" of a trip to Disneyland yesterday, which was more or less a quite horrendous outing. I now believe that's the type of opportunity parents really should pass up on.

School trips fine, though. Hope he enjoys it. :)

HolidayCriminal · 08/05/2014 15:42

oops, she enjoys it.

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