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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel anxious at the mere thought of making small talk!

28 replies

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 06/05/2014 14:25

I have to go to a dinner dance on Saturday, my husband is a member of a men's organisation (rather not say which one, but I don't particularly like the principle of it, but that's another thread!)

I hardly know anyone, and although he has invited a couple of people, I really struggle with one of the women as I find her very intimidating, and I don't really have anything in common with her, and feel she looks down her nose at me.

Anyway, to get to the point! I am basically going into a room full of strangers, and as a shy person who is also an introvert, I find the thought of making small talk terrifying!

My husband is the opposite, plus he knows most people going. He usually goes off and talks to people he knows, leaving me to it (yes I have told him I am rubbish at small talk!) instead of introducing me to people.

AIBU to feel anxious, or do I need to get over myself?

I know you lot will tell me straight :o

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 06/05/2014 14:30

I remember long ago going to one of these such events with my DH. I also didn't know anyone but he really stuck by my side till I felt comfortable. He eventually introduced me to a female colleague who was quite friendly and made me feel more at ease and then only did he start mingling with everyone.
Does your DH have anyone at the event who he thinks you could get on with to introduce you?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 06/05/2014 14:30

I'd be quite anxious if my dh buggered off and left me on my own and I'm quite outgoing

You need to explain how you feel and get him to promise to introduce you to people. Sorry about the woman you don't have much in common with - avoid her and try and find others more on your wave length

I8toys · 06/05/2014 14:31

YANBU - I hate it too but don't do what I did and drink too much.

DH was captain of local hockey team - we had an exchange team come over from Holland with their partners. Had a dinner dance one night - I drank too much as when I've had a few I am the chattiest person ever - yeah right. But I drank too much and blacked out.

Next morning apparently I learnt I had snogged (in front of my husband) once of the dutch players. He was really ugly but that's by the by. His wife then tried to hit on my DH. This was all at the house of a friend who started hyperventilating and had to breathe in a brown paper bag.

I heard about it all the next day as I couldn't remember a thing - luckily they were travelling back to Holland the next day.

Worse thing is they were hosting us the year after................I was on my best behaviour.

grovel · 06/05/2014 14:33

Just give the people you meet funny handshakes and you'll be fine.

eurochick · 06/05/2014 14:38

Alcohol is the answer (just enough for Dutch courage, not dancing on the table).

aermingers · 06/05/2014 14:41

I used to be like that. Ask people about themselves, make like the Queen, general questions, nothing too personal. Ask where they've travelled from, say something nice about where they come from. If it's an industry do ask what company they're with and ask what their role is.

aermingers · 06/05/2014 14:41

I used to be like that. Ask people about themselves, make like the Queen, general questions, nothing too personal. Ask where they've travelled from, say something nice about where they come from. If it's an industry do ask what company they're with and ask what their role is.

Nancy66 · 06/05/2014 14:43

I8toys - Grin

aquashiv · 06/05/2014 14:46

You have something to say too though. The most interesting people are usually deep thinkers rather than boorish yah yah types.

If all else fails grab a bottle of champagne and get drunk.

Jollyphonics · 06/05/2014 14:51

Most people like to talk about themselves, their views and opinions and so on. So ask them about themselves. And laugh laugh laugh at jokes. It's impossible to dislike someone who thinks you're amusing. And smile a lot. I had a boyfriend once who was very shy and antisocial, but he used to smile a lot, nod a lot, and laugh at people's jokes. We would get to the end of an evening and I'd realise he'd barely uttered a single word, but everyone loved him!

Jollyphonics · 06/05/2014 14:54

Also, admit you're nervous. If your DH actually leaves you standing on your own, see if you can shuffle towards someone else standing on their own, and comment on how awkward these events can be. You'll probably find you can strike up a conversation about stilted social events, and discovere that you're not the only one who feels like this.

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 06/05/2014 14:59

Wink grovel I couldn't possibly comment :o

I8 thanks for making me laugh!

I have tried explaining but he just doesn't get it :(

I can't even just get drunk, as I have to be up before 7am for work on Sunday! I wouldn't get really drunk anyway, will have a few drinks, but not the same!

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 06/05/2014 15:02

just remember your just as good as anyone else,

head up, smile

no arms crossed sour faces, and be friendly i love meeting new people is someone gives attitude i try and kill them with kindness,and be overly nice.

oh and don't get too drunk it will make yo look like a fool.

beanid · 06/05/2014 15:48

He usually goes off and talks to people he knows, leaving me to it (yes I have told him I am rubbish at small talk!) instead of introducing me to people.

This is not OK! Can you get out of going? Sorry but your husband sounds like a nob.

My ex used to do this - leave me with all the other wives at social events whilst he disappeared with all his pals. I wouldn't say I am an introvert and I get on ok in these situations but, actually, it's just RUDE to do that to your guest, even if the guest is your wife.

The problem is not with you. Lots of people don't like small talk or enjoy formal occasions like this.

Hope you have an ok time if you end up having to go. Can you have a treat ready for yourself when you get home so you have something to look forward to?

JonesRipley · 06/05/2014 15:57

I would make my going contingent on him being a good host - which is sort of what he is in this instance.

JonesRipley · 06/05/2014 15:59

I hate this sort of event BTW. I do a good impression of an extrovert but I actually hate parties and small talk. Dh understands this and helps me out by always introducing me to people.

Is this some sort of male-dominated organisation with inherently sexist undertones?

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 06/05/2014 16:17

Jones I do see the organisation like that yes, I wouldn't stop him going as he is an adult and its his choice, but when I have to go to an event that they so kindly allow women to go to, I find it hard anyway.

He claims I will be fine, and he won't wander off, but he does. He would really sulk if I refused to go, and people would see me as the bad guy for not going, I can't be bothered with the hassle of it.

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 07/05/2014 13:15

Wander after him and join in the conversation he is having.

greenfolder · 07/05/2014 13:21

second the best advice i ever had was to ask people about themselves- what do you do? how long have you known x? are you local? People love to talk about themselves. Honestly, this really helps!

5Foot5 · 07/05/2014 13:33

Alcohol is the answer (just enough for Dutch courage, not dancing on the table).

Ha-ha I think I8Toys had "Dutch" courage alright!

LittleMiss I understand your predicament as I used to be rather like this myself, though fortunately DH was more thoughtful than yours DH sounds and he never left me to it.

As I have got older and got more used to going in to new situations and meeting new people then I have found it a little easier. Sometimes in this situation if I see a person or a couple who look like they don't know many people then I will introduce my self to them and try to find some opening question or comment to draw them in to conversation. It is easier I find to approach a small group like this then a large group as it could be that they are not very used to mixing wither so they will be grateful to someone for breaking the ice and then are usually more than happy to enter into conversation.

oldgrandmama · 07/05/2014 13:45

I8toys ^^ - RESPECT! I love stories like yours! Being sort of Dutch extraction myself, I agree that our men are eminently snoggable!

Anyway, I suggest OP takes up great advice to ask people about themselves. Most people just love spouting about their kids, house, job, garden, partner, etc. etc. etc. and they'll come away thinking what a lovely, understanding person you (having asked you sod all about yourself!)

As for the snooty one, just say 'hello, how are you, lovely to see you' etc., smile and move one. And yes, definitely tell your DH that you expect him to introduce you to people - it's bad mannered if he doesn't.

LondonForTheWeekend · 07/05/2014 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 07/05/2014 15:00

I haven't ignored them, I have taken everyone's comments on board and am very grateful for them, apologies if I haven't made that clear.

I have tried to be friends with this person as I know my husband likes her, but when you are ignored its very hard to keep on trying, I will be polite but I do feel very awkward.

OP posts:
DorisAllTheDay · 07/05/2014 15:15

YANBU to feel anxious. In your place I would be giving OH an ultimatum - either introduce me to people or I don't go. For me it wouldn't necessarily be the small talk that would be the problem (I've learnt to do what others upthread have suggested re asking other people about themselves and their views) but starting up a conversation or butting into joining in with existing conversations would be a killer for me. Can you explain to OH that you don't need him glued to your side all evening, but if he could just make sure at the start that you've been introduced to a few folk, and then keep an eye out for you every now and then, it would make the evening much easier for you? He'd be exceptionally mean to refuse to do that.

ThatBloodyWoman · 07/05/2014 15:17

Tell him you're not going particularly since you disagree with the Freemasons organisation.