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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to discipline friend's child in my house?

46 replies

mindthegap79 · 06/05/2014 10:18

A good friend of mine lives round the corner and we regularly meet up. She has 2 DCs - one in school and one 3 year old. The 3 year old is wild. Whenever they come round she runs riot through my house, chucking and spilling stuff all over the place. Instead of playing constructively with toys she throws them in the air, against the walls, often breaking them and marking the paper. These toys belong to my dc but friend never says anything.

She is rough with my baby and I don't feel I can put her down for a nap or leave her for a second as she will be woken up, grabbed, shouted at etc.

I'm at my wit's end. We've known them for years and have the kind of friendship where we pop in and out of each other's houses. But she never disciplines her dd and I just don't want her causimg havoc in my home anymore. I know my baby is safe with me but want to feel like we can both relax and be safe anywhere in our own home.

WIBU to really tell friend's dd off next time she ignores my request that she doesn't grab the baby's arms because it will hurt her/doesn't turn on all the taps and leave them on because we don't waste water/doesn't go through my bedside drawers (or indeed enter my bedroom)... as friend sits on completely oblivious?

Also, how can I broach this with my friend? Subtlety hasn't worked. Has anyome else had this problem and wwyd?

OP posts:
TheScience · 06/05/2014 10:20

I think you need to tackle your friend about it! I wouldn't shout at someone else's child, but I would firmly but nicely say "no, we don't x/y/z sweetie". If her mother doesn't step in at that point it's difficult though.

Shenanagins · 06/05/2014 10:23

I think it is perfectly reasonable to discipline a child in your house if they are wrecking the place and the parent does nothing.

slartybartfast · 06/05/2014 10:27

can you distract your friends child,

ForeskinHyena · 06/05/2014 10:32

I would definitely do all of those things. I wouldn't tell off someone else's child for example if they were moaning or being rude to their mum or damaging their own stuff.

However, if the impact of the bad behaviour is on YOUR baby, your furniture and your DCs' stuff then absolutely tell her off.

Hopefully if the mum minds she will realise that you are doing it because she isn't and keep her little terror in check. If she gets offended and decides not to be friends any more will you be really upset? I'd have to conclude that we weren't great friends to start with if she had such little respect for my baby and my home, but I'm a bit zero-tolerance with friends!

slartybartfast · 06/05/2014 10:38

sounds like she is bored, does she have toys to play with.?

DomesticSlobbess · 06/05/2014 10:43

Your friend's DD has already ignored your requests not to do things. Next time she does them, say to your friend, "Can you tell your DD not to do such-and-such?" as it's happening.

I was at a friend's house once with a mutual friend. Mutual friend's DS slapped my friend's DD. Mutual friend just sat there and said, "No" but just stayed sitting. Friend told the boy to say sorry but he wouldn't, while at the same time trying to comfort her crying DD. Mutual friend's DS slapped the girl again, my friend looked over at mutual friend who just stayed sitting. Friend looked really uncomfortable and unsure about telling off this boy, and said to mutual friend, "I don't really like telling off someone else's child". Mutual friend was all, "Oh, no it's fine, tell him not to do it". By that time I had to say something and said, "Why don't YOU tell your DS off so he stops slapping friend's DD?"

She mumbled something about friend having it under control. Sometimes people think that being in someone else's house means they are suddenly relieved of their parenting duties and they can just back with a cup of tea while houseowner becomes babysitter.

rocketjam · 06/05/2014 10:50

I set up expectations as soon as they get through the door.

  • no throwing toys
  • no jumping on furniture
  • toys that you play with have to be put away
  • the only place you eat/drink is at the table

Then if you do all this, you get a (cake, ice cream, biscuit, whatever) before leaving.

Your house, your rules.

slartybartfast · 06/05/2014 10:54

if her child really is a terror, perhaps suggest you meet at her house Wink her toys to be thrown around etc.,

Original poster
mindthegap79 · 06/05/2014 10:57

Thanks for the replies, it's such a difficult one. I don't really want to let the friendship fizzle out but I can see that happening if friend doesn't get a grip. The other day I tried distraction - 'Instead of doing that (blowing raspberries with mouth full, let's go into the garden.' Unfortunately that turned into 'let's NOT fill the bbq with compost.' Little bugger.

Friend wandered outside too...eventually...

OP posts:
Stinkle · 06/05/2014 11:04

I tell them off if they're laying waste to my house and their parent is leaving them to get on with it.

I'd never jump in if a parent is dealing with it, but if they're just going to sit there while said child is drawing on the walls/jumping on the couch/throwing stuff around then I'll tell them off. I'm not going to stand by and let their child destroy my house/hurt my kids/whatever in case I hurt there sensibilities.

If they don't like it they have 2 choices - a) deal with their little darlings themselves or b) go home

Luckily within my group of friends we're all happy for each other to tell our kids off if it's needed

TheScience · 06/05/2014 11:06

I'd put it back on your friend - "X, can you stop DD spitting", "X, can you stop DD filling the bbq with compost"

slartybartfast · 06/05/2014 11:06

she sounds ineffectual,

EverythingCounts · 06/05/2014 11:07

Sounds like friend sees coming round to you as a handy break where all this is your problem. Tell child firmly 'No, stop it!' when she misbehaves. If she persists, say 'I have told you already, so we will have to stop playing if you can't behave'. If still no better, say, 'Baby needs peace and quiet and I have jobs to do so that's enough playing for today' turn to friend 'I have to get on, I'll come to the door to see you out'.

WilsonFrickett · 06/05/2014 11:07

I think a lot of the running round and being a bit wild is just being 3.But I do tell other DCs off, usually saying 'in this house we xyz'.

wrt to the baby, I would be firm but also encourage the behaviour you want to see. 'No DD, we don't grab the baby, we are gentle... see? See how much she likes that?'

It is hard when the other parent does nothing...

Stinkle · 06/05/2014 11:12

Argh, just noticed I lost the end of my post (and used there instead of their Blush )

Luckily within my group of friends we're all happy for each other to tell our kids off if it's needed so we don't have all the awkwardness of should I/shouldn't I?

But, it's my house, my rules, we don't allow jumping on the sofa/throwing toys around - especially if I'm then the one paying to repair/replace the stuff that gets broken.

If a friend gets offended because I've asked their child to stop throwing things then that's their problem

Summerbreezing · 06/05/2014 11:16

I would say to the child 'you won't be able to come around here anymore if you keep doing naughty things' , very loudly in front of the mother. She sounds incredibly rude and inconsiderate, tbh.

CountessVronsky · 06/05/2014 11:23

If the mother has been given more than even most unreasonable person would consider ample opportunity to discipline her daughter and has not, I would address her directly (kindly and firmly) myself.

Has your friend actually observed her daughter being rough with your baby and done nothing? Because I'd cut someone off over that.

Nummer · 06/05/2014 11:30

Absolutely you tell the child! I do that whenever I have to. It is a difficult balance to get right though, but generally if the behaviour is affecting you, your dcs or your belongings (rather than just annoying stuff) and the child's parent is not dealing with it then I step in right away.

I told a child I didn't even know to stop screeching in a restaurant the other day. There was a stage area for a band and the kid was dancing around (fine) but then started shrieking (not fine). I suppose I should have told the staff....ah well. I went up to the kid and said "stop making that noise, you're disturbing everyone". And did my scary lady face.

If parents are going to let their kids behave like wild animals, they had better get used to other people telling their kids off sometimes. I am however amazed at how many kids are evidently never told off though - I teach a dance class and have had little 8 year old darlings in tears over not getting their own way. At first. They get used to me quickly. Good grief.

Xenadog · 06/05/2014 11:37

OP I had exactly the same thing happen on two separate occasions when my DD was born. Two of my friends and their DD visited and then later on DP had two friends and their child visit. Both times the child was repeatedly jumping up and down as if on a trampoline on the (new and v expensive) arm chair and neither set of parents said anything. One child was 5 and the other about 7.

I was recovering from a C-section and DP was worn out and just flabbergasted that these educated, intelligent and "frightfully naice and middle class" parents allowed their children to behave in such a way.

We didn't say anything but neither set of parents with their child will ever be invited to our house again.

If this isn't an option for you then the next time they visit I would simply tell the child "No child X we don't do that in this house" when they misbehave. If the mother doesn't step in and support you and the child continues to misbehave then you are being taken for a ride and need to show them the door.

If you allow people to disregard you, your family and your home they will continue to do it. Say something and don't allow this to fester.

HaveYouTriedARewardChart · 06/05/2014 11:46

I'm afraid I would just stop having them over. Or invite the older one over to play only. But then I've no tolerance! And the lack of insight on behalf of your friend would really annoy me and suggest a lack of empathy for others. More tolerant and understanding people than me would try to make your friend understand though Smile

We have faced this sort of problem with a friend and unfortunately it never really dawned that their and their child's behaviour was unacceptable. As a result we have drifted apart.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/05/2014 11:50

Yanbu to give another child a stern talking to. I've done it many times and have never had anyone get upset with me. The child's behaviour you describe is horrible, if her parents can't discipline her then I would definitely say something. I wouldn't allow someone to push and hurt my child, and keep quiet to not offend someone else.

Thumbwitch · 06/05/2014 12:10

Definitely tell the child off, and if your friend doesn't like it, then too bad. If she's not going to tell her off, someone has to!

oldgrandmama · 06/05/2014 12:17

I'd say something pretty forthright to your friend and then, if she still let her child behave in that way, not invite her to your home again. When my children were tiny (back in early 1970s), a neighbour with a daughter a year older than my two year old daughter used to visit. Her daughter was a scratcher. I put up with the first scratch on my daughter's arm when neighbour said, weakly, 'oh, don't do that, not nice', but then the brat scratched my daugher's cheek, and enough was enough. No more visits, not welcome.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 06/05/2014 12:27

"Uh oh, if you dont behave mummy's going to take you home. Isnt that right mummy?"

"Um. Er...yes that's right i will"

Point made and consequence given. Friend will have to act as you have shamed her into it.

PrincessBabyCat · 06/05/2014 12:34

If she's a close friend, there's no reason you can't discipline her child. My friend's parents lectured me right in front of my parents and then I got a second lecture from them. All kids have the same rules in your house. If you wouldn't let your DD get away with it, don't let her DD.

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