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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to discipline friend's child in my house?

46 replies

mindthegap79 · 06/05/2014 10:18

A good friend of mine lives round the corner and we regularly meet up. She has 2 DCs - one in school and one 3 year old. The 3 year old is wild. Whenever they come round she runs riot through my house, chucking and spilling stuff all over the place. Instead of playing constructively with toys she throws them in the air, against the walls, often breaking them and marking the paper. These toys belong to my dc but friend never says anything.

She is rough with my baby and I don't feel I can put her down for a nap or leave her for a second as she will be woken up, grabbed, shouted at etc.

I'm at my wit's end. We've known them for years and have the kind of friendship where we pop in and out of each other's houses. But she never disciplines her dd and I just don't want her causimg havoc in my home anymore. I know my baby is safe with me but want to feel like we can both relax and be safe anywhere in our own home.

WIBU to really tell friend's dd off next time she ignores my request that she doesn't grab the baby's arms because it will hurt her/doesn't turn on all the taps and leave them on because we don't waste water/doesn't go through my bedside drawers (or indeed enter my bedroom)... as friend sits on completely oblivious?

Also, how can I broach this with my friend? Subtlety hasn't worked. Has anyome else had this problem and wwyd?

OP posts:

MuddlingMackem · 06/05/2014 12:38

And if she doesn't actually get up to go as per YoureBeingASillyBilly's suggestion, be ready to have their coats, hats, bags, etc in your hand to give to them. Don't let your friend wriggle out of it.

Even if she's just sat down with a cuppa - she'll have to just do without and wait until she gets home.

RiverTam · 06/05/2014 12:45

she doesn't sound like much of a friend if she's happy to allow her DD to trash your house and hurt your baby.

The baby's safety is the most important thing here. I would discipline the child but I would also, every time, throw it back at the mother - 'can you stop your DD from hurting the baby', 'can you stop her from damaging our toys' and if she doesn't, well, she's no longer welcome.

Summerbreezing · 06/05/2014 12:51

You could also say to the mother 'oh dear, this doesn't look like it's going to end well. Maybe you should just take her home' in other words 'take your badly behaved child out of my house and away from my baby'.

DandelionGilver · 06/05/2014 15:08

I quite often have a small group of small children round. There are 4 x 3 year old girls and 2 x 18 month old girls. I have a fairly laid back approach to them playing but there are a few rules:

No throwing gravel.
Shoes must be worn on the decking.
Eating and drinking at the table or in the garden only.
No shrieking as DP works from home and is often on the phone.
Any arguing over toys means or it gets put away.
No jumping on the furniture.

They generally all play in the garden and we keep an eye on them as we are all either in the garden or in the kitchen with the doors open.

We all generally apply discipline to each others children, depending on who sees it first. The mum who had a problem with this, is now no longer invited to come round (and surprise, surprise her DD was the worst behaved).

JonesRipley · 06/05/2014 16:08

I like what rocket jam said

Really nicely, tell the children what the rules are, first, in hearing of the mum.

Then ask her to intervene if necessary. But if she's doing something to the baby, absolutely tell the DD to stop.

You will know where you stand after this.

It may be that you can't meet at home - maybe park would be better because at home they are bored or a jealousy issue is arising.

Or you may need to see the mum without the children

JonesRipley · 06/05/2014 16:11

Some children this age don't play with toys and need to run around. She may also be the sort who can't bear to have her mum talk to another adult and is acting up to get attention. Hence my park suggestion

Original poster

mindthegap79 · 06/05/2014 22:33

Thanks for all the replies. I think meeting in the park and generally reducing the open invitation to my house is the way to go. I do thibk friend sees me as a bit of a babysitter - if it's not her house and stuff then she's not responsible. Grrrr.

Anyway, even if it carries on I feel so much better for my rant and reassured to have mneters agree I'm not being totally unreasonable

OP posts:

Nummer · 07/05/2014 03:14

Ugh, I can't bear those dcs who "won't" let their parents talk to other adults! I have a few friends like that and I honestly wonder why I bother to go and see them as the whole time I'm there the kids are the centre of attention.

I know with little ones that there will be some interruptions and half-finished conversations but really, they can be told that Mummy is talking to her friend now and you have to go and play/watch tv/eat your snack.

From a young age mine were told this. They tend to go off and play then will come back when they're hungry or need to show us the show/dance/song they've come up with. I also remember my (then childless) friend coming to visit and my dd (then 3) trying to get our attention, only to be told by my friend "I am actually here to talk to your mum, not to play with you." Ha!

MrsGeorgeMichael · 07/05/2014 04:05

what does the child do in his own house?

Original poster

mindthegap79 · 07/05/2014 06:25

Anyway, even if it carries on I feel so much better for my rant and reassured to have mneters agree I'm not being totally unreasonable

OP posts:

BlueGoddess · 07/05/2014 06:29

Is she the same in her own home?

Original poster

mindthegap79 · 07/05/2014 06:31

Ooops, thought it hadn't posted. In her own house she's better but she's more contained due to the layout if that makes sense. She can't go off running from the kitchen because there's a gate. Whereas in my house I only have a gate on the staurs as my own dc don't need physically preventing from wrecking the place, they just don't do it! She is still fairly destructive at home though. I think it could well be an attention thing, as some posters have suggested.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/05/2014 06:41

Is the other child well behaved?

Just it sounds quite unusual excessive behaviour..of course protect your baby and yes discipline the child in your house but if the mums other child has no behavioural issues i would not rush in to blaming her parenting or thr child being attention seeking, I would preparr to be there for her a little bit as she is probably struggling with the girls behaviour.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/05/2014 06:47

I mean if she has parented the other child well she us maybe struggling with how to manage this one for some reason.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/05/2014 06:51

Like I am struggling to type today.

erin99 · 07/05/2014 07:18

Definitely tell the child off. Nicely! If she's hurting one of your DC then they need you to step up and 'defend' them if they're not old enough to do it themselves. It's important that they know someone cares that they don't get hurt. You don't have to shout at them. And yes absolutely tell her to turn the taps off, declare your bedroom out of bounds and enforce it. I'm surprised you weren't already, and tbh if you've been letting them do all this without asking them not to (albeit because you expected your friend to), your friend might think you are happy with taps being turned on and DC in your room. Wherever possible I speak to all the children with that kind of thing rather than picking one out, because you never quite know who did what!

No matter what the rules at home, DC cope pretty well with other rules at other people's houses but you need to communicate them yourself. Eg no throwing indoors, bottoms on sofas or feet on floor (ie no jumping or climbing on sofas), your bedroom is out of bounds.

DogCalledRudis · 07/05/2014 07:28

It is not unreasonable to say NO!

jeanlucpicard · 14/05/2014 23:59

YANBU

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 15/05/2014 00:32

I fell out with a friend after her ds twatted my slightly older dd in the face with a big toy car which left her with a split lip. What does my friend do? Gets out a bag of crisps to "distract" him. She didn't want to discipline him and upset him so close to his bedtime routine. I fucked her off.

mimishimmi · 15/05/2014 01:11

Where is your friend when all of this is happening? I'd be mortified if my child was behaving like this at my house, let alone someone else's. Or she one of those friends who just pops in with her 3 year old for ten minutes, has a bit of a chat and then sweetly asks if she can pop out for 15 minutes alone as she has a couple of errands to run .....and comes back 2.5 hours later? Be careful of that sort, they'll take advantage to the hilt and stone you out completely when they find another sucker who hasn't wised up to their tricks.

SpamTroll · 15/05/2014 01:31

Next time your kids friend misbehaves simply ask her mum to deal with it. Don't be 'subtle' just tell her. You can be polite and nice. Your friend is being lazy because she doesn't know that it bothers you.

You should also get your friend to help clear up if her DD is trashing your house.

You have to stop being such a wuss

If your friend takes it badly or still ignores you then you have your answer..... Don't invite her over, she is not a good friend.

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