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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DS to see ex's mum on her birthday

46 replies

HeyBungalowBill · 05/05/2014 22:24

In a weeks time it'll be my ex's mums birthday and I've been asked by my ex and his younger sister if I'll be taking DS to see their mum (ex won't be able to because of work, it's down to me as nobody else would take him) and I've said no.

My reason being is that not a single family member of my ex has bothered to come see DS in the 10 months of his life. They only live a 20 minute drive or 40 minute bus ride away.
They only came to meet him when he was born (ex's dad couldn't even be arsed to do that) but have never been since.
(Fortunately DS has an amazing family on my side)

When he was first born I'd drive through every single week to see ex's mum and enjoyed it if I'm honest. But when DS was 4 months old I stopped as I was getting tired and run down as DS was ill and I was desperate to focus on DS and myself for a while until DS was well again.

By the time DS was better it had been just under a month where they hadn't seen him so I offered again and told them they are welcome to come for tea just tell me when. None of them have even asked how DS is in all of this time either.

I've always made a big effort with ex's family even helping his brother move house using my car and I've always told them they're more than welcome to come see me and DS both before and after me and my ex split too so that isn't a reason why they haven't been. It's not like they don't know me!
(Ex now lives with his parents but sees DS at my house and is happy to do so, we are good friends and it works well for us)

I have spoke to my ex about it and he says he thinks it's nobody's fault but they feel unwelcome to come see DS even though I've given them an open invite to come whenever they like.
They have never invited me to theirs but I would text and ask if they'd like me to bring DS through to them, so I don't understand why they are unable to suggest coming here like I used to suggest to go there?

AIBU to not take him to see people who do not bother to see him?
I feel like even though I feel a bit bad it's her birthday it's actually no different to all the other days they have not bothered to come see their grandson so I shouldn't have to cancel my plans to take him. They'll only continue to not see him whether I take him or not Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyBungalowBill · 05/05/2014 22:25

Please don't bite my head off if I am BU I'm a bit stressed out Shock

OP posts:
Helpys · 05/05/2014 22:33

Yanbu at all to not go.
But you said you used to enjoy seeing her. Why don't you go and take the opportunity to say that you'd like them to visit. They are perhaps reticent about imposing on you- go, be very clear that you'd like them to visit and if they still won't-
Fuck'em!

attheendoftheday · 05/05/2014 22:45

I can absolutely understand how you feel, so yanbu.

But, if you would actually like your ds to have regular contact with that side of the family this could be an opportunity to restart this. They give enough of a shit to want to see him, and while that doesn't excuse them not having made more of an effort, it might be worth preserving the relationship that is offered, imperfect as it is, rather than having nothing.

LadySybilLikesCake · 05/05/2014 22:47

I don't think it should be down to you to make the effort all the time, it's give and take as with any other relationship. If your ex wants your child to see his family then he should make an effort too. Can you invite her over for supper? If she doesn't bother then at least you've tried.

Original poster
HeyBungalowBill · 05/05/2014 23:08

I definitely think all relationships have to be worked at on both sides, if a friend acted this way I wouldn't have had a second thought at not seeing them.

I don't think DS will particularly benefit from a relationship with ex's family if I'm honest. There are a few issues with his mum that would mean I wouldn't want her to have DS alone and particularly his paternal grandad could not care less about DS!
I have no contact with my dads side and I don't think I've missed out at all as I've a wonderful family on my mums side who I adore.

I'm fairly certain even if I did go see her next week they might come once to see DS but that'd be it.
If I'm honest I'm not sure they'd come at all Confused

It feels so wrong!
I want to encourage a relationship but I know it'll continue to be one sided for the rest of DS's life.

What's up with some people? I know for a fact they have at least 2 full days per week where they do nothing so it's not like they're stuck for time Sad

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 05/05/2014 23:13

Offer to cook them supper at your house. You can't do all of the running, you're a busy mother. It's give and take, and if they can't be bothered to put the effort in then it's very unfair of them to expect you to do all of the running. At least by inviting them to yours you are offering the branch. It's up to them if they grab it or not.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/05/2014 23:51

T is up to ex to promote tge relationship been ds and his parents, not you! You have already done enough. If he wants ds to go to his mums party he can rake time off work.

2rebecca · 06/05/2014 00:00

If your ex is working on his mum's birthday then why doesn't he take his son on the nearest day to her birthday? My parents live several hours away so have rarely seen my kids on their birthdays unless they've been up here. It's not that big a deal. If it was your son's birthday I could understand why that particular day was important but an adult should be able to wait a couple of days until it's convenient and just celebrate then.
As they've made no effort then I wouldn't bother. Your ex could have taken a days annual leave if this particular day was that important to him.

MexicanSpringtime · 06/05/2014 00:35

Everybody will have something different to say, but I think you should do everything you can to encourage this relationship between your DS and his grandparents. It sounds like you get on well together so at least it won't be all suffering on your part, and it will pay off in the long run.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2014 07:14

Why should op do that! It's her ex not current partner. Yes op should encourage her dd to have a relationship with her dad and maintain contact with him, if he is not violent of abusive, but it is noway op responsibility to am untainted contact with the grandparents. That us the dad's job, op has already tried but it's not reciprocated. If dad was desparate for his child to go he should have taken time off!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2014 07:18

Sorry ds. It's her ex job to maintain tge relationship between their ds and his wider family, not op. She is no longer with him.

Joysmum · 06/05/2014 09:06

It's up to BOTH parents to ensure they have good family ties on BOTH sides.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2014 10:10

Op has done her fair share, it's up to ex to make tge effort which he does not

Original poster
HeyBungalowBill · 06/05/2014 10:49

I asked my ex if he is bothered that they don't come and he said no because it's my fault I don't invite them! Apparently!
But I wonder if he is annoyed because he has never taken DS to see them either, he took DS to see his sister only once but never to his mum and dad! So either he cannot be bothered getting an extra bus or is annoyed by them not coming

OP posts:
IrrelevantSquirrel · 06/05/2014 10:56

YANBU. It sounds like you have tried your best with them and done a lot of running around after them. If they want to see DS then they should make an effort, otherwise it's up to your ex to sort it out during his contact time.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/05/2014 11:02

If you don't take your child to visit on this particular day, despite your previous efforts in inviting them to yours, you will appear to them to have burned bridges. Everything depends on whether you care enough about that or not.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/05/2014 11:04

YANBU to be cross, it's very hurtful when people don't want to be in your children's lives, especially their own family.

However on this one I think you're gonna have to be the bigger person and take your DS to see her, if you don't they'll have a field day with the 'well BungalowBill won't even let us see DS'. Plus it's his grandma and will be nice for him, if you refuse now it could be the start of something very messy which your child is caught in the middle of.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2014 11:44

If ex cannot be bothered with taking his ds to see his own family, why the hell should op! I might just this once for her birthday take ds for a few hours, but leave the rest up to his dad.

Original poster
HeyBungalowBill · 06/05/2014 12:08

I won't be able to take DS on her birthday as I have two appointments I can't cancel or they'll be delayed for months but I'll try and decide whether to go maybe a day before or after.

I think if they'd been only once to see him I'd have a different view but they haven't bothered to do that.

DS's christening will be around the time of his first birthday and they've already made excuses why they have to leave early Hmm

It makes me cringe to even see his paternal grandfather hold him as he only met him at 2 weeks when I took DS on a bus after a c section! Absolutely disgusting, I wish I hadn't bothered cause I'd love to know how old he'd have been until he bothered to come, if ever! Hmm

OP posts:
jeanmiguelfangio · 06/05/2014 12:28

I always invite my ils to me, I make the effort, we go to theirs one weekend in 5- my dh works 3 out of 5, and all the other time when im home alone (he also works shifts) with pnd and a 14m old I ask them to us. They never come, we live maybe 45 mins away. But they can never say I dont try or make the effort. I dont drive but I offer to meet them half way. The point is I can never be said that I dont make us available for them. If they want to be a part of his life then there has to be a bit of give and take

PurplePidjin · 06/05/2014 12:29

His parents, his problem. YANBU!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2014 12:36

Well then ds can't go then if you have appointments. I agree with purple, this is a two way street, why should op make the effort for ex family, when ex and the family don't bother. Ex family, ex problem.

fifi669 · 06/05/2014 12:51

I think in your case I'd send a card from you and DC. Put a note in it saying sorry you couldn't make it today but hopefully we can catch up soon. I'm free for lunch on x day if you'd like to visit DC. All the best OP.

Ex has nothing to do with DS, his mum died years previously, his dad and sister aren't interested. Both his brothers however like to see DS. It takes a nudge, normally around Easter, Christmas, birthdays etc but they always reply and want to meet up. I think if they never replied there'd be a limited amount of chances before I just stopped.

Original poster
HeyBungalowBill · 06/05/2014 13:08

I am pleased most people think I'm not BU. I was starting to doubt myself wondering if I was being harsh or over reacting!

But like others have said it's a two way street. His mum even responded to my open invite saying she will come once she is paid from work and will let me know, so the ball was left in her court IMO.

The fact they've already put their excuses in for leaving DS's christening early, and tbh I doubt ex's dad will even come, it just cements it in my mind they aren't particularly interested

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 06/05/2014 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.