To not take DS to see ex's mum on her birthday

[HeyBungalowBill]

In a weeks time it'll be my ex's mums birthday and I've been asked by my ex and his younger sister if I'll be taking DS to see their mum (ex won't be able to because of work, it's down to me as nobody else would take him) and I've said no.

My reason being is that not a single family member of my ex has bothered to come see DS in the 10 months of his life. They only live a 20 minute drive or 40 minute bus ride away.
They only came to meet him when he was born (ex's dad couldn't even be arsed to do that) but have never been since.
(Fortunately DS has an amazing family on my side)

When he was first born I'd drive through every single week to see ex's mum and enjoyed it if I'm honest. But when DS was 4 months old I stopped as I was getting tired and run down as DS was ill and I was desperate to focus on DS and myself for a while until DS was well again.

By the time DS was better it had been just under a month where they hadn't seen him so I offered again and told them they are welcome to come for tea just tell me when. None of them have even asked how DS is in all of this time either.

I've always made a big effort with ex's family even helping his brother move house using my car and I've always told them they're more than welcome to come see me and DS both before and after me and my ex split too so that isn't a reason why they haven't been. It's not like they don't know me!
(Ex now lives with his parents but sees DS at my house and is happy to do so, we are good friends and it works well for us)

I have spoke to my ex about it and he says he thinks it's nobody's fault but they feel unwelcome to come see DS even though I've given them an open invite to come whenever they like.
They have never invited me to theirs but I would text and ask if they'd like me to bring DS through to them, so I don't understand why they are unable to suggest coming here like I used to suggest to go there?

AIBU to not take him to see people who do not bother to see him?
I feel like even though I feel a bit bad it's her birthday it's actually no different to all the other days they have not bothered to come see their grandson so I shouldn't have to cancel my plans to take him. They'll only continue to not see him whether I take him or not

You do what you have to. It works two ways, op is putting in, giving them opportunities, they are nit responding or taking her up on them. If they want to see ds, I am sure they will. I would not bother for Luke warm relatives. Send her a card from ds. All op responsibility is to make ds available for contact with his father, the rest is up ds dad.

Drives me mad they will blame their lack on contact on me
I had a sly message from another family member about whether I'm going and you could tell it was a dig at me for never taking DS

You have 2 appointments and so can't go. YANBU.
I would send a card with a picture of your DS. And ask her to get in touch to arrange a date to meet up.

Yanbu youve made the effort, they haven't. I might text them to say I had appointments on that day and if they want they can come and see him the day before/after but I wouldnt be going out of my way for them

The grandparents are probably giving them a sob story. You're busy, you can't be in two places at once. You've invited them to yours, what more can you do?

I moved 15 miles away from ds's grandmother (grandfather and her are divorced, he's in a home somewhere but the other side of the family won't tell us where he is ). She used to come to our house, we'd meet up in the city centre, I'd invite her to school stuff etc. We moved 2 years ago and have heard nothing from her. We've made an effort to go and see her but it's never been reciprocated, despite the fact that she drives and I don't, and she has family 1 mile away. She sent ds a card for his birthday saying how much she missed him as she hasn't seen him for so long, so I sent her a text saying she's always welcome here. We've heard nothing from her. Some folk are never happy!

I'd ignore the comments.

Sounds as if you have done enough tbh.

If your ex lives with his parents, why doesn't he have at least some contact there so that they can see their GS as well?

Send a text inviting them to come over to visit and say you'll get a cake to celebrate. Then, when they don't come, you can have all the cake with a clear conscience

Some people really do (wrongly, IMO) believe that it is the responsibility of the younger relatives to do all the running.

I was once at a family party where my MIL was complaining to her sister that she rarely got to see my DC. My suggestion that she come and visit them was met with bewilderment.

Why should you take the kids to see them? Does their dad take the kids to see your relatives when he has them? Of course he doesn't.
If he wants to see the kids more to allow for more time visiting his rellies with him that's up to the 2 of you to discuss.
The attitude of him and his relatives would just piss me off.

Diddl- I'm not sure why he never takes DS there if I'm honest. We do get on very well and he seems to enjoy seeing DS here at my home and we sometimes have family days to take DS out nice places for walks etc.
I think half of it is because it's too much effort (for him) taking DS on the bus all the way there and back, and tbh I suspect he is mad at them for never seeing DS off their own back either so I think he likes to keep out of their way here.
I could be wrong though!

Goldmandra - I love your style

2rebecca- Icould tell you some right stories about things they have done/believe to be acceptable.
It's like there's no logic (if that's the right word) in their thinking.

It's like it doesn't matter how much they want or need something, if it's any effort on their part they won't bother. They bite their nose off to spit their face! It makes no sense

Ex isn't a brilliant dad but he does always make sure he sees DS to be fair to him. Not a terrible dad but not likely to win worlds best dad any time soon either!

Spite!

Why don't you send an invitation with a set date (by text or phone). Like Goldmandra said it could be directly related to the birthday (eg. "Baby DS has a gift to give you. We would love it if you could come here on x date to give you a present and we can celebrate your birthday with cake").
It is much harder to turn down a dated invitation and still claim the other person is making no effort. Open invitations are much easier to brush off.

Ignore that message, tell them that they are welcome to come on such and such a day, and leave it up to them. It's not your responsibility, you have already done more than most would. They sound very lukewarm.

Thetertium thats a good idea

Well if you do that OP, you're a better person than me because I don't think that they sound worth the effort!

You have appointments on the day?

So how about your ex takes his son to see his mum for her bday as close as he can to the day??

I don't get why the father can't invite them round to his house when he finishes work for cake and bring the kids back afterwards. Maybe its because I've always worked so have never seen women as people who sit at home twiddling their thumbs with loads of time for visiting and being visited.
If my ex wanted the kids to see his rellies for particular occasions we discussed it and he took the kids/ his relatives visited him. I wasn't expected to traipse over to see them or make cakes and hang around to be visited.
I'd feel differently if the OP had a good relationship with the MIL and wanted to see her on her birthday but it does sound as though she is being bullied just because her ex can't be arsed visiting his parents and she is seen as a woman twiddling her thumbs at home all day.

I can't get past the time that you took your DS to see them 2 weeks after having a C-section. You should have been resting as much possible and not lugging a child around on and off buses. Why didn't they come to see you then? They aren't going to get off their arses because it is easier to blame you and then look at their own behaviour.

I'd agree with other posters about asking them over at a specific time & date. They won't take you up on it but you will have the high ground.

Scrounger- I know it's disgusting I wish I hadn't have done it, but I was in a bit of a daydream for the first few weeks and never thought much of it!

I feel like I'm at the point where I don't feel they deserve to even see DS because they wouldn't do a thing for him. My parents would have got themselves to the hospital no matter what was stopping them, they could have been dying and they would have definitely been to see DS.

But his paternal grandfather made a SHIT excuse and waited for someone who had major surgery to take their grandson to them?! Bastard is the only word that springs to mind!

Says it all really. If you go to see them this time then there will be some other occasion where it is 'your' fault that they do not see their GS.

It seems as though everyone is blaming you, your exP, ex - ILs, random family members. I think that you should refute it when your exP blames you. It isn't your responsibility it is his. However you could give it one last go just for your own peace of mind. But equally if you don't you have tried in the past. You cannot make them do something that they don't want to do.