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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get pissed off that its always assumed i will drive

34 replies

elvenbread · 05/05/2014 13:14

I have a friend who does not drive. She lives half an hour drive from me. There are good bus and train links between our towns so it wouldn't take her too much longer to use public transport. I don't mind picking her up and dropping her back occasionally but obviously it takes an hour of my time (there and back).
I am so tired of it now. She never offers petrol money when we go somewhere further away e.g.last weekend we went for a weekend away and I drove 120 miles.
She's never on time for anything either so I will pick her up and she won't be ready.
I just wish she would realise that just because I drive and she doesn't, doesn't mean I enjoy going out of my direction to pick her up.

She even bashed my car door against another car when getting in last weekend. Luckily nothing was damaged but I was fuming as it could have been my insurance that would go up.

Aibu to be pissed off. Wwyd?

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 13:17

YANBU.

Can you suggest you meet in town and then get public transport yourself? Or tell her you can't drop her back as you have to be somewhere else at a certain time, but don't mention it until you're getting ready to go. Have a ready made list of excuses ready for if she asks for lifts, and make sure you don't offer.

She is taking the puss if she never offers petrol money or to pay for parking or whatever, so you have no need to feel guilty about stopping the favours.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 05/05/2014 13:18

YANBU, that would really piss me off. I can't drive (was learning but then DD came along), so I always offer petrol money unless it's DP driving me somewhere (and that's because I own the car, which I pay half insurance on and petrol money comes from joint account anyway). And to not be on time is just plain rude.

dyslexicdespot · 05/05/2014 13:20

Tell her that you are not able to drive her around anymore. If you value her friendship you really need to put your foot down. The resentment you feel will only grow and tarnish your feelings for her.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 13:25

Is she really a good friend, though? Her lack of consideration for you and your irritation at her don't suggest that solid a relationship to me - so I think I might be reassessing it in general.

YANBU by the way.

ThePowerOfMe · 05/05/2014 13:27

Is her friendship and company worth it? Are you just being a grump about it?

I'm asking because I have a friend who does drive but she's a really nervous driver and only really drives to visit family or to go to the supermarket. Just the couple of places that she's used to driving to.

It is always assumed that I'm doing the driving whenever we go out. Often I have to go and pick her up and drive back past my area to get to where we're going.
Sometimes it really annoys me and I just think 'get a grip with your driving and get on with it' but I realise its not her fault and she's fab company and a lovely friend so I just accept it now.

listsandbudgets · 05/05/2014 13:32

YANBU I dont drive. We're fortunate enough to live in an area well served by public transport and I HATE asking friends for lifts and always offer petrol money. If they don't accept I try to buy their lunch or their entrance tickets when we arrive. Id be so embarrassed and upset if I thought I was taking you an hour out of your way all the time.

she's being lazy and inconsiderate and not being ready when you come to pick her up is just bad manners.

Next time you're going somewhere ask her outright for petrol money. Say something along the lines of "its really great you're coming petrol's so expensive now so it will really help to share the cost your share is a tenner I think"

ThatsAStupidUsername · 05/05/2014 13:35

YANBU - I would stop giving her lifts. Does she pay for things for you when you are out and about? If she pays for parking and coffees then maybe she feels she pays in kind I suspect she doesn't though and that she's just grabby

My DC don't drive and are at Uni with friends who do. They give petrol money every single time they go in a friends car. Even for short journeys. They don't even ask, they just drop a few quid or whatever in the change tray.

My DS has to travel about on placements and, if he gets lifts, gives every penny of his travel allowance to whoever gives him a lift - to the point where they 'profit' from giving him lifts. It works out brilliantly for him because he always gets offered lifts.

Owning a car is really expensive so it's only right that other people should at least offer to pay petrol money.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 13:38

I'd be interested to know what would happen if the OP said they coudn't drive - eg whether the 'joint excursions' would just dry up completely. Maybe that's the (unstated) deal?

Original poster

elvenbread · 05/05/2014 13:42

She is a good friend, although I've only known her for about a year. She is lovely but going an hour out of my way every time we go somewhere does annoy me. She lives south of me and pretty much everywhere worth going from our towns is north. It leads to a lot of driving. I wouldn't mind so much if we could set off early to go places but she's not an early bird and neither is friend B who usually comes with us. Friend B does sometimes drive us but it's usually me as she shares a car with her husband.

OP posts:

nannynoss · 05/05/2014 13:44

I have a friend like this. Well, my best friend actually. She always expects me to drive.
It started off because she had anxiety issues and, knowing what that feels like, I tried to make outings easier for her by driving her places. I'd rather her go out and me drive, than her not go at all because her anxiety was too much to go out AND face public transport.
But I think it's not actually helped at all. Because she's never had to challenge that anxiety iyswim. I've had anxiety before and it is at bay because I worked through it.
Now I don't offer to drive her places. I'll drive to visit her but that's it really unless I'm literally going past her house to get to destination.
Although she would occasionally pay for dinner and say it was because I always spent loads on petrol. But always driving still pissed me off.
So no, YANBU.

Original poster

elvenbread · 05/05/2014 13:45

No she doesn't pay for stuff while out and about. We tend to just split costs of things e.g. meals which sometimes leads to me paying more as I can't drink while driving. I end up with cheap soft drinks and they get wine. Then I drive her home. Friend B lives really near me and I don't mind driving her at all as she's always grateful and it's not going out my direction.

OP posts:

ThePowerOfMe · 05/05/2014 13:46

An hr out of my way would annoy me though. At least my friend is 15mins away so I don't mind that too much.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 13:48

I'd stop arrannging things/offering to drive for a period of time (a month or two, say) and just see what happens. Friend B is a complication, I admit.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/05/2014 13:50

I'm a non driver and used to rely on friends occasionally, I hated asking especially if one of the ds's were involved in something that required transport.

I always offered money for petrol and if that was refused I'd buy flowers or wine as a thank you.

Tell your friend you'd appreciate some petrol money, go on be brave!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/05/2014 14:16

Asking for petrol-money won't solve the problem. Friend could be quite happy to pay up and the OP will still be expected to act as the on-demand taxi service.

I'd be minded to pretend the car is out of commission for a few weeks so friend gets used to using public transport to meet up. If she can't be arsed your questions about the basis of this friendship will be answered.

Original poster

elvenbread · 05/05/2014 14:59

I suspect you are right Suspect.

OP posts:

Original poster

elvenbread · 05/05/2014 15:00

Bitter not suspect!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 05/05/2014 15:42

Dropping someone off half an hour away sounds mad to me. Can you not arrange to do stuff near her house half the time and your house half the time. if you're near your house she makes her own way to yours and back and vv. If you meet elsewhere you both make your own way there. She's saving money on not running a car so can spend it on public transport and taxis. I don't understand why not having a car means you need lifts.
If I worked out how much my car cost to run a year I'd have alot of money to spend on other transport.
She sounds very selfish as a friend.

quietbatperson · 05/05/2014 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

500smiles · 05/05/2014 16:18

Agree with others - take the car out of the equation and see if the friend is still keen to meet up.

I have a friend who will only drive in our town, but her DH usually takes her anywhere else.

Our DDs do the same activity and I have often taken the two of them if it is at a different location, but she always offers petrol / buys coffee / pays for parking etc etc.

sarahquilt · 05/05/2014 16:32

YANBU. I had this problem with a friend who didn't drive. I brought her to a nice shopping centre a few times and drove half a hour out of my way to drop her home on the way back. She started to just expect this. I didn't ask for petrol money but started to fib about when I was going to the shops and just go on my own.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 16:49

Summer's coming up - good walking weather.

Surely there's something around your neck of the woods that the three of you might enjoy, even if it's only lentil painting classes! (Friend B can walk with you chumming her.) Then phone up Friend A and tell her joyfully 'We've booked the three of us into Tea Tasting for Beginners at the local church hall - which is lucky because my car/leg/Top Hat/rabbit is out of action. Shall I email you a link for the bus timetables?

That should show you what she's made of - although maybe only after a couple of attempts and no shows.

MelonadeAgain · 05/05/2014 16:50

You have far more tolerance than me, doing it more than once! I once made friends with one of these entitled women. We decided on a day out to visit an event, so I collected and drove her there. I should have spotted the signs when she declined to meet me in a suggested easy to reach spot near her home and insisted on repeating exact directions to outside her flat. Anyway, we got to the venue fine and saw a couple of things and she then announced that she was "tired" and wanted to go to eat instead of seeing more things. So we queued in the long queue for hamburgers - I don't eat fast food so didn't bother. She bought two, stuffed herself with them and then wandered around listlessly for half an hour or before announcing that she was "really tired" and would like to go for an early dinner now (we had agreed to stop somewhere for food on the way back).

So we ate and then it was time for the drive home (about 45 miles). She slept the whole way and tutted and sighed when I tried to speak to her, so the silence endured until I reached her house and dropped her off, without a word of thanks never mind an offer to contribute to the petrol.

I noticed her being slightly frosty with me afterwards so perhaps I hadn't been quite as servient as she required, or perhaps I had filled my purpose. Anyway, no more days out were suggested (thankfully). I still have her on FB and its obvious that she has a very high opinion of herself.

Honestly OP I'm sure your friend has basic manners and knows what being a good friend and taking turns or offering petrol money is about. I'd quietly drop her - I bet as soon as you stop being a free taxi service, she will drop you as well.

Strangely, I've always thought the woman I described above, and some others like her, should find themselves a boyfriend who might (for a short time at least) be prepared to run about them more than another woman. But they always seem to be single!

500smiles · 05/05/2014 20:56

Melon - it is staggering how rude some people can be.

SanityClause · 05/05/2014 21:07

So, how would the conversation go? How do you get roped into driving?

What if you took public transport, so you "can have a glass of wine"?

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