AIBU to feel angry

[Donttakeheraway]

Have name changed for this as information is identifiable.

First some background: Last year, my DS, aged 22, was killed while walking home from work when he was hit by a car. The culprit was never caught and so we continue to live with the agony of his death and the need for justice.

His girlfriend of four years, and the mother of his child was there when the accident happened. And has never forgiven herself.

DS and his GF have a child together, my DGD who's now 18months old. We have tried to keep the GF as part of our family, as we know that DS was planning to propose on their 4yr anniversary.

Now the hard bit: this morning, GF came to us (DH and I) to say that she can no longer cope living in this town where my DS was killed, knowing that the driver of the car is likely to live locally. And so she's moving. She's starting off with one of her great aunts who lives 200miles away and then finding her own place from there. Of course she's taking my DGD with her.

I'm angry, that she's taking away my only connection to my son. I want her to stay, in the hope that one day the culprit of my sons death will be caught. Her own family, friends and connections are here. She was brought up here as were my own children. I just can't understand why she's going. Apparently she's moving as soon as next month. I just feel so hurt.

AIBU trying to stop her leaving? Or at least taking my DGD with her?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Son, I can't even begin to understand how devastated you must be.

Do you think it might be a temporary arrangement and she'll come back if she feels she's made a mistake.

I don't think you can stop her moving, I'm so so sorry.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

Yes, you would be unreasonable to do anything to try and stop her - she may be making the right decision for her and her son. I hope you can find it in your heart to support her and visit your grandson often.

Direct your anger where it's deserved, at the awful driver who killed your son. I really hope they are caught soon.

Of course you feel awful about this. But your DGD's mother has good valid reasons to want to make a fresh start elsewhere. It may be that she'll want to come back one day in the future, or she may settle elsewhere, however please don't be visibly angry with her or try to prevent her from going. 200 miles is a long way, but not impossibly far, and if you fall out with her, you definitely won't maintain contact.

YANBU to feel hurt and devastated, and I'm so sorry this has happened.

However you can't make her stay and you absolutely cannot stop her from taking your DHD with her. I can understand her feelings too, that there must be lots of painful memories for her.

Can you not visit and Skype regularly? We don't live near either sets of grandparents and that's what we do.

I'm so sorry :(

I don't think there's anything you can do and if you try it might damage your relationship for good.

You're stuck in hell and limbo but she probably doesn't want to be and it's time for her to move forward.

Concentrate on the time you have left and work out contact and keeping in touch instead. She may move back in time.

DGD, I mean.

I doubt you can stop her moving away.

Attempting to do so will destroy your relationship and make it harder to have one with the child.

You will only lose that connection if you do force this issue.

Best is to support what she needs to do for her and her DC and maintain a loving grandparent role.

It's obviously a big decision for her to move away from her friends and family so YABU to try and stop her. Isn't it better that she and your grandchild start a new life free from bitterness and anger?

YANBU to be angry and upset at the situation. Sorry you have lost your son.
However, YABU to think you could stop her leaving. It's up to her how she copes with the situation. Why would you try to stop her taking her own child with her?

The best thing you can do is be supportive. It is natural to be sad but if you try to make her feel guilty you risk losing her and your granddaughter.

You have no right to stop her and need to rely on her goodwill to maintain a relationship with your dgd.

It can't be easy and I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for all that you have been and still are going through.

Work with her, not against her. Lots of dc have to move away for work etc. and they make long distance grandparent involvement work.

Be supportive ask to still be involved, go for holidays nearby so you can see your DGD without invading her home etc. etc.

She is doing what she needs to in order to cope and survive, I understand that you need to do that too and it is sad that you aren't wanting the same things in order to do that.

Many grandparents live hundreds or thousands of miles away from their grandchildren, but still maintain a good relationship with them.

My DCs were born 6,000 miles from their grandparents; my DH died when they were little, and I moved back to our home country so am now geographically a little closer to my PiLs, but still more than 300 miles away. If they had tried to influence my decisions about my own life and how to bring up my children/their grandchildren, I would have cut contact to a minimum.

I think you have to grit your teeth, smile through your tears and do everything you can to keep in contact with your DGD as she grows up - and trying to control her mother's movements would be guaranteed to destroy any hope of that.

I can understand why she wants to go. It must be terribly hard just living in the town where her child's father died, perhaps walking past the very place, seeing the hospital, going to places she went to with him - let alone knowing that the person responsible may be someone she sees around the town.

And I agree that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop her going, or taking her child with her, so if you try all you will do is drive her away permanently.

Echoing others YANBU to feel anger at life in general what a horrible thing to happen to your DS.

YABU however to express any anger to your DGDs mother. She is making a fresh start and moving on as is her right. Don't you want emotional freedom and stability for your DGD? Do you want her to feel the pain you feel by seeing her mother stuck and embittered?

To keep your relationship you need to support her decision and as hard as it is while you wait for justice she may need not to be involved in that search.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact that no one has been caught for what they did. It must be a huge blow to think that you are now 'losing' your dgd too. I just wanted to post as I have experience of long distance gp relationships.

As a child I lived in a different country to my dgp's but saw them a few times a year. The quality of that time and the letters in between meant we were very close. I have fond memories of our time together.

Now I live 400 miles from my family but my dc's couldn't be closer to my dm. She comes to visit them, Skype's etc.

Please don't despair - you can still have a great relationship even with a large distance between you

YABU to want to stop her and YABVVU to try and stop ypur DGD going too.

YANBU for being angry about this situation.

I'm so sorry for all you have been though. It is so hard. I agree with every one else though. You cannot and must not try and stop her. Being supportive is the best way of maintaining your relationships.

I lived hundreds of miles away from my granny all my life (NE Scotland to SE England) yet I adore her and have a very good relationship with her. She adores having great grandchildren and my children love talking to her on the phone. (At 92 she's too old for skype!).

My own children have one grandparent close (12 miles away, my MIL), one mid distance (25 miles, FIL) and 1 further away (70 miles, my Dad) . They do more and see more of my Dad. They absolutely adore all of their grandparents and distance is not a factor.

Smile through the tears and she will appreciate all your support. Lots of unmumsnetty hugs as I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through ??

I really do think you should try to support your DS GF in her decision though. Of course it will be hard, but if she feels that this move will help her deal with her grief, then ultimately it will also benefit your DGD, to have a mother who is happier. 200 miles isn't too far nowadays, you can Skype, visit and still be involved GPs.

I'm sure she hasn't come to this decision lightly, and making her feel guilty will only drive her further away. Tell her that you will miss them hugely, but if it's what she wants then you will support her. And let her know that you want to be involved with DGD as much as possible, I'm sure she'll appreciate all the support she can get.

Oh gosh. You poor thing :( I am so very sorry for your loss. You know you can't stop her from going dobt you? Please do not let her see your anger -it will do no good. You are bound to be upset but many families move miles away from parents and inlaws . Please look at it like that. Keep your relationship a good one. Make it clear he can stay that you very much want to be part of thier lives. Your ds would not want her to be unhappy.

First I am very very sorry to hear about your darling son, I can see where you are coming from. But yabvvu to stop your ds girlfriend from moving and leading her own life because she had a child with your ds and you want him near. Wherever they move, you will come to see your dgs, when he is older he might even stay with you in tge holidays

And 200 miles is what? A three-four hour journey. So weekend visits still very much possible.

I'm very sorry all this has happened to your family. It's brutal.

One of the characteristics of traumatic grief is anger; enormous tsunami anger that goes in unpredictable directions.

I would suggest, as politely as possible, that you seek some counselling, or a suitable shoulder and ear outside the family, so that you can talk this over and rant and rage in safety without damaging precious relationships.

By all means express how sad you are that they are moving away, but try to find some part of you that can show happiness and support for her in making positive choices for your grandchild.

On a practical note, dd's only surviving grandparents and cousins live on the other side of the planet. We use FaceTime ever such a lot and it really is a fabulous tool for connecting properly with people at a distance. They help her with homework, play hide and seek and sing songs together etc etc.

Yanbu to be upset but would be very bad idea to do anything but support her. What you want is to maintain contact with your gd, and you should keep that as your focus!

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. It's tragic and you don't really have closure of his death as the driver who killed him has never been found.

His gf is going through the same loss and if it's too much then you have to support her decision to get away from where the memories are just too painful. You can keep in touch and I am sure she will allow your granddaughter to have some long weekends back at your home and you can visit her. Technology is a wonderful thing these days and skype/facetime and all these other types of video calls.

I am so very sorry for what you have been through.

Your sons GF is only trying to do the best for her and her dd. She is in immense pain too. Keep in touch with them, send letters, pictures, skype.